Young Writers Society

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First review! *happy dances* Here to critique again!


Grammar:

This month, however, I'd convinced him to try something new, so he'd moved one step down the rainbow, so to speak.

“You've known many, then?” said Cal, giving a few more futile tugs on the pink fleece.

“Rough and dirty,” I said, tossing the paper back into oblivion with [s]the[/s]a flick of my wrist and tilting my chin down to augment the husky voice I'd put on like cheap foundation.

Cal chuckled to himself when he saw my grimace, and I retorted by sticking my tongue out at him.

I knew he couldn't stand it and [s]so[/s] would give into even the faintest hint, just to get it to stop.

“So, you know Dean, from school?” he asked, warm, confident words contrasting my shaky ones.

Language Usage: The descriptions were nice. You slipped a few figurative language sayings in there; some were even a bit cutely quirky! Haha. I thought that it read well; it wasn't choppy. So, you get a "Good Job" in this area of critique!

Characters: We get to see Cal in this! *squeals* I'd been wanting to get to know the guy after your first post! I thought the characters' personalities were pretty apparent, and their relationship [even if it is questionable at the moment] was defined nicely, too.

Dialogue: I thought you did very well on this. You had awkward moments when there were supposed to be awkward moments and had joking, playful moments friends share, too.

Emotion & Imagery: I was able to see each scene play out in my head. You did very well with imagery. Again, we've been over that this is a "tell" story, but it bordered on becoming an "action" story. Showing more emotion would bring it more to the "action" side. I didn't get much emotion in this, but you were probably purposely lacking in that area to keep it on the "tell" side. Anyway, adding emotion is one way to go. If you'd like it to be more "tell", there will need to be a few more changes made.

Tips & Suggestions:
Hmm. Thinking if I have any... For this part, I'd try and add a bit more about her confusion for Cal in it. How she's in love with him and all. Wouldn't she get jealous when he brings up Dean? I know that's a bit awkward to portray, but the entire storyline is pretty awkward, actually. I've used awkward a lot in this crit. That's... awkward.
As I mentioned in the department before this, this post nearly broke into an "action" piece instead of "telling". Edit some to make the way you're going with this more defined.

One last thing: I'd just like to mention that I really loved the ending! Haha.

That's it! I'm really enjoying this! Please keep me updated! I'll be watching in case you don't. Haha.

Love,
Music

Hey =]

I'm back again!

I think I enjoyed this part more than the first. I love the relationship between Cal and Gwen. I can really imagine them having been friends for ages.

I thought the play fight was brilliantly worded and the dialouge was believable. I could really image the scene unfolding in front of my eyes - Great job!

I loved how you described Cal's smile. It confused me at first when you wrote 'orange' but then I understood. The last line was lovely too!

Again, I think you did a great job, but I think expressing emotions would improve the realisticness of Gwen, but if you prefer to leave it out and focus on descriptions then it's completely up to you...

Looking forward to the next part!

xDudettex

Hannah~

Hello, there. I wanted to say I read "One" and I have a question about it. Is the first part a prologue/preface?

You know of all the stories I have read here, I have never read one that had the first line in capitals. So that is unique.

One of the funniest things your characters said was: blanket-stealing pickle-eater. Now that was funny! I can totally picture that scenario.

Wow, Gwen must 1) really like Cal as a friend or 2) love him and find him attractive.
You used her emotions quite well and you gave just the right amount for the reader to understand her.

Any who, I can't think of anything else. Sorry if this wasn't helpful, all I had was questions and comments.

Wonderful job!

{Ellen}