First Chapter of 'Angel'

A/N: Rewrite of old slash story. Read and critique!

“You do realize that I want you to be appropriate. No sexual activities.”
I smiled for a second, “What if I wear a condom?”
My mom’s answer was a raised eyebrow.
“I’m joking. I’ll be nice. But what if he wants to have sex? I mean, after I tell him I’m gay and it turns out that—by some weird twist of fate—he’s gay also and wants to have sex with me, I’m probably gonna do anything he wants.”
My mom smiled, “Just remember where to draw the line, Sirius. And if he exhibits any hurtful behavior towards you—”
“I call you. Got it.”
She nodded, “Don’t even worry about canceling our vacation. Just call.”
I nodded, “I will. I-I promise.”
My mom gave me a tight hug and then she walked out of the bathroom. I stayed behind, listening to the mingle of voices drifting from the foyer. I turned the cold water on and splashed some on my face. But that did nothing to settle the knotting of my gut. With a deep breath, I walked out to where my aunt and uncle, plus my parents were lugging all the bags to the door.
“Have fun in here!” Aunt Rena waved a final good-bye before dragging her bags outside. Uncle Xavier nodded at me, smiling. Then my parents were the last to go. They showered me with good-byes and last warnings:
“Good-bye! Good-bye!”
“Don’t forget to be neat and clean. You’ll still have your chores in here.”
“Right. And have fun, Sirius. Nothing inappropriate.” Mom’s wink that followed her statement was the last thing I saw before my dad closed the door. I saw the lock turn, heard the click.
The nervousness boiling in my belly reached a fever pitch. My cousin, Seth, and I were the only occupiers of this beautiful mansion from today to August 3rd. And it was the most beautiful residence I’d ever seen. Bigger and more spacious than the high-rise condo building my parents and I lived in.
The light tinkle of my phone ringing interrupted the silence. I answered the call.
“Are they gone yet?” I recognized Sadie’s voice. She was my best friend, from when we met in sixth grade. She’d been up in the clouds about me being alone and had promised to call as soon as she got up.
“Yes,”
I heard Sadie’s squeal of excitement, “And have you told Seth yet? You know, how much you wanna fuck him and everything.”
“Um…no.”
“WHAT? Seriously. You need to tell him! Otherwise, how’s he gonna have you between the sheets?”
“Drunken sex?” I winced at the thought.
“That is not funny. Seriously. Go and tell him. Ooh, and call me with every detail. I wanna use you guys in a future story.” I could imagine Sadie’s grin as she said the last sentence. Sadie was an enthusiastic writer of gay stories. Or “slash”, as she claimed the nickname was. And she’d been the diligent, self-appointed chronicler of my love battle with my cousin.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” Sadie drew the last word out so much I could imagine the pout on her face.
“Well, first thing, he’s asleep! And second thing, I don’t wanna start off two months’ vacation with a Oscar-worthy devotion of my undying love to my cousin, Sade! Honestly!”
Sadie huffed, “Fine. Not now, but soon! And you realize it’s almost noon? He needs to get his butt out of bed and his big, pulsing—”
“SADIE! Ew! Please don’t entertain me with the latest episode of gay porn you watched.”
All Sadie did was giggle.
“Seriously, though,” she said when she’d stopped laughing. “You need to wake him up. Call me after he’s awake.”
Before I could reply, she hung up.

^_^ Hello, I'm Hannah! Hopefully I can give you some constructive comments to make this piece better.

After reading it through once, it seems intriguing and nice, because... well love between cousins isn't exactly kosher, right? Haha, hopefully that would be explained / expanded on in the rest of the story, because right now it might turn readers off and if you leave it unexplained for too long... yeah. ^_^

Anyways, here are a few specific comments!

My mom smiled, “Just remember where to draw the line, Sirius. And if he exhibits any hurtful behavior towards you—”

Would she really give in so easily? Or was she kind of joking about the rule in the first place? Try to clarify that, otherwise it seems kind of odd. ^_^

She nodded, “Don’t even worry about canceling our vacation. Just call.”

I nodded, “I will. I-I promise.”

Heuhh, did you mean 'interrupting' our vacation? I mean, they're already leaving, aren't they? Usually you'd say 'canceling' if they hadn't left yet, right? ^_^ Also, it's sort of weird to have both sentences begin with 'subject nodded'. >_< Try changing it up a bit. I mean, since the narrator is agreeing, I suppose that's obvious through the words and you don't even need that second dialogue tag.

I stayed behind, listening to the mingle of voices drifting from the foyer.

"–verb (used without object)
1. to become mixed, blended, or united.
2. to associate or mix in company: She refuses to mingle with bigots.
3. to associate or take part with others; participate.
–verb (used with object)
4. to mix or combine; put together in a mixture; blend.
5. to unite, join, or conjoin.
6. to associate in company: a hostess who mingles diplomats with executives.
7. to form by mixing; compound; concoct.
–noun
8. mingles, two or more single, unrelated adults who live together."

From Dictionary.com. Which means... that you used 'mingle' incorrectly. Try instead to say 'I stayed behind, listening to the voices mingle as they drifted upstairs from the foyer.' or something like that. ^_^

I turned the cold water on and splashed some on my face. But that did nothing to settle the knotting of my gut.

Connect these sentences with a comma rather than a period. ^_^

With a deep breath, I walked out to where my aunt and uncle, plus my parents were lugging all the bags to the door.

The word 'plus' kind of detracts from the tone of the piece. It's okay to break up the phrase 'aunt and uncle' and make the list: 'aunt, uncle, and parents'. Since you use 'my' when referring to 'aunt and uncle', it's also kind of implied that the parents are also the narrator's. ^_^

“Have fun in here!” Aunt Rena waved a final good-bye before dragging her bags outside. Uncle Xavier nodded at me, smiling. Then my parents were the last to go. They showered me with good-byes and last warnings:

“Good-bye! Good-bye!”

“Don’t forget to be neat and clean. You’ll still have your chores in here.”

Alright, so I know the setting is important/new to your character, but I don't know that it's such a big deal that the aunt/uncle/parents would refer to it so prominently in their good-byes, drawing attention to it by saying 'in here'. I mean, it seems like they're leaving the narrator in a box or something if they say 'in here', when it's really a mansion. I'd strike those things. xP

Also, I'd recommend taking 'then' out of 'then my parents were the last to go', because it doesn't really serve a purpose. If they're last, then they're after the aunt and uncle, so you don't need to signify they come after the aunt and uncle with a 'then'. ^_^ I also think that last sentence about 'neat and clean' is kind of... awkward. >_< I guess I'd assume the narrator would still shower, right, so if they're referring to keeping the house clean, they should say that! ^_^

She was my best friend, from when we met in sixth grade. She’d been up in the clouds about me being alone and had promised to call as soon as she got up.

The first sentence is awkwardly constructed. xD Maybe say 'ever since we met in sixth grade'? I don't know, that's kind of awkward too. xD The phrase 'up in the clouds' seems sort of weird too. And 'me being alone'? >_< I dunno. xD I don't know how to explain it, but it just seems like they're making a HUGE deal out of this. Maybe it will be explained in later chapters? ^_^

I could imagine Sadie’s grin as she said the last sentence. Sadie was an enthusiastic writer of gay stories. Or “slash”, as she claimed the nickname was. And she’d been the diligent, self-appointed chronicler of my love battle with my cousin.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Sadie drew the last word out so much I could imagine the pout on her face.

Firstly, as you can see from this passage, it starts and ends with nearly the same sentence. >_< Try to avoid that kind of repetition. Secondly, the construction of that first paragraph is really off! You start two sentences with conjunctions which can be used to add to style, but here it just seems odd. You could connect 'stories' to 'or' with a comma, and then take out the 'and' from the next sentence. Also, hopefully you'll explain the 'love battle' and why it is a battle later, because right now it sounds a little weird! Yep! xD

And second thing, I don’t wanna start off two months’ vacation with a Oscar-worthy devotion of my undying love to my cousin, Sade! Honestly!”

Sadie huffed, “Fine. Not now, but soon! And you realize it’s almost noon? He needs to get his butt out of bed and his big, pulsing—”

“SADIE! Ew! Please don’t entertain me with the latest episode of gay porn you watched.”

Did you mean 'declaration' rather than 'devotion'? I think that word would make more sense. ^_^ Also, I can't see where Sadie is going with the last part of her sentence, and I think the effect that we get from the near-reference to inappropriate things is good, but you might want to work it into her dialogue better so it doesn't seem to just come out of no where! ^_^ Lastly, if the narrator thinks the 'gay porn' is gross {since he said 'ew'}, why would he say 'entertain'? Perhaps you could find a word that gets your point across better.

Overall, this is a good start, but you should start answering at least some of these questions soon! =D
Thanks for sharing this great piece. C:

-Hannah-