Young Writers Society

Since this doesn't really fit into any of the other categories, I'll post it here. This is the first draft of something I wrote from a Writer's Digest prompt. I hope it doesn't suck too badly, though I know it probably does. Have fun tearing it to shreds, and feel free to stop by my 'review for food' thread and ask for a review! topic42126.html

The Elves are Coming
By: Ralph Gallagher

"Hannah!" Mom yelled up the stairs. "Hurry up!"
"Why do I have to go?" I asked as I walked downstairs.
Mom sighed as she brushed her brown hair from her eyes. "Because she's your sister," Mom said. "And you should be the one to pick out her present, not me."
I sighed. "Fine. Whatever." I grabbed my coat from the rack on the wall. "Let's get this over with."
I walked out the door towards her car. My mom sighed again and locked the front door before joining me in the car.
Mom drove us into the city to the mall.
I looked around all the packed parking lot. The outside of the mall was even decorated for Christmas. "We couldn't have gone somewhere else?" I asked.
Mom didn't even answer me; instead she pulled into a spot and turned the car off. "Come on," she said to me, "Let's get this over with."
The two of us walked into the crowded mall where we began searching for presents for my elder sister.
“Where are they?” I asked Mom when we got inside.
“They’re on the other side of the mall,” Mom replied. “No where near where we’ll be shopping.”
I nodded and followed Mom to a music store. Mom wanted to Kira some CDs, but since parents are generally tone deaf, I picked them out. My sister and I listened to the same type of music so it was easy to choose what she’d like.
“Why don’t you get Kira some clothes,” Mom suggested. “Let’s check Macys.”
Mom set off towards Macys without waiting for a response.
“Mom, Kira isn’t going to like anything from Macys,” I told her when I caught up.
“Oh nonsense,” Mom said shushing me with a wave of her hand. “Kira will love some of the outfits they have here.
Mom led me up and down the aisle as we looked at all the different outfits she thought were “cute”; a pink sweater, a baby blue shirt, light yellow pants. I knew Kira would never wear any of these things, she was a preppy, cheerleader type. She wouldn’t get caught dead wearing outfits from Macys.
We finally finished going up and down the aisle of the Macys clothing department and were about to head to American Eagle to look at clothes Kira would actually wear.
That's what I saw it. An elf. Standing right there in the store. It was looking right at me with its beady brown eyes and it's creepy pointed ears.
My breathing started to speed up. No, not here. It can't be here.
"Get it away!" I yelled out loud.
I lost control of my body and collapsed to the floor.
"Hannah!" I heard my mom shout. I could feel her by my side. "It's alright, Hannah. It's not real." She kept saying over and over.
I heard a store clerk run over to me. “Is she okay?” I heard him ask
I couldn’t hear Mom’s reply, the only thing I was able to hear was a steady thumping in my head.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
The clerk must’ve gave Mom a bottle of water. I felt her tip the bottle to my mouth. I managed to open my mouth and take a mouthful of cool water.
After a few more drinks, I was able to sit up again. The thumping had stopped and I was able to hear again. A group of people had gathered around us.
“Should we call 911?” a woman asked.
Mom shook her head. “No, she’ll be fine.”
I looked around the store. "Where is it?" I asked.
"It's alright Hannah," she said. "It was just a picture."

Overall I thought this was a great prologue. It made me really want to read more! I loved the concept and the way it lead to the problem. Only a few minor nitpicks;

"Hannah!" Mom yelled up the stairs, "Hurry up!"

Comma.

"Why do I have to go?" I asked as I walked downstairs.

If she's angry would she just walk down the stairs?

"Because she's your sister," Mom said,

Comma.

I walked out the door towards her car.

Would she just walk or would she sulkily trudge, or stomp?

I looked around all the packed parking lot. The outside of the mall was even decorated for Christmas. "We couldn't have gone somewhere else?" I asked.

Would she just ask, or would she desperately plead, or complain...etc?

Mom wanted to get (?) Kira some CDs,

Did you mean to add "get" or "buy"

“Mom, Kira isn’t going to like anything from Macy's,” I told her when I caught up.

Apostrophe. All the Macy's should have one.

Why is she so frightened of this elf?

The clerk must have gave Mom a bottle of water.

Must've isn't a contraction.

Again, I thought this was an awesome prologue and that it really pulls the reader in. A bit more description could do it some good and maybe some reason why she didn't like elves. (you could out this somewhere in the first chapter too.) but otherwise it was a good. I can't wait to see what happens! Tell me...

Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Here again, RGallagher!

Mom wanted to Kira some

I think you meant, "Mom wanted to buy Kira some..."

“Mom, Kira isn’t going to like anything from Macys,” I told her when I caught up.

Macy's. You need an apostrophe. It's like the store belongs to Macy. Give all the Macy's apostrophes.

The clerk must’ve gave

Must've gave... that isn't right! Change to, "must have given."


Overall

You aren't a bad writer- even I could only find three nitpicks. The thing is, this isn't very good as a prologue. It's written well but it didn't really draw me in. Start with some more action. Characters shopping at the mall, browsing CD's? Eh. I could do that myself.

You also need a lot more description.
This prologue could actually become very interesting if you added some more descriptions.

For example, when the elf finally comes, all we get is this:

That's what I saw it. An elf. Standing right there in the store. It was looking right at me with its beady brown eyes and it's creepy pointed ears

Oh, and I just found another nit-pick ^-^. Change what to when.
But seriously, that's all the description I get?

Another place where description could be added:

"Hannah!" Mom yelled up the stairs. "Hurry up!"
"Why do I have to go?" I asked as I walked downstairs.
Mom sighed as she brushed her brown hair from her eyes. "Because she's your sister," Mom said. "And you should be the one to pick out her present, not me."
I sighed. "Fine. Whatever." I grabbed my coat from the rack on the wall. "Let's get this over with."
I walked out the door towards her car. My mom sighed again and locked the front door before joining me in the car.
Mom drove us into the city to the mall.

First of all, it's a boring beginning. If you want to keep this beginning, add some more description- this is a great place to show us how Hannah and her mother interact. What is the atmosphere like in the car? What tones do they use when they talk to each other?

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~

Ok, so first, I won’t post any grammatical nitpicks, since I only noticed a couple and other people pointed them out. I’m definitely interested in the story, the character of Hannah is believable, I liked the little comment about Macy’s being a store a preppy girl wouldn’t want to shop at….it sounded very genuine teenage girl. I think a little more descriptive detail would really add to the story, sensory stuff to help set the scene. Like maybe a line or two about how her bedroom looks, what color are the walls? Or a maybe memory of her and her sister as kids, to better illustrate their relationship. Maybe a little more inner monologue. Does she usually like shopping? Or is she just worried about being seen out in public with her mom? Stuff like that.

Also, I like how the elf just comes out of nowhere. Since it gives the character a 'it could happen to anyone' kind of feel....aka relateable.

I hope you post more of this.

Ok so i wont be nit picky liek the others have because that would just be redunant.

You need lots more action, attitude, and description! It was written well, but not good enough. This seems like a very interesting topic, and I would love to read more, but you have to know how to keep your readers hooked in.

Maybe give more description through hannah as to what the elf looked like. Give it evil descriptions maybe.

Make it so we can visulize the characters, and see a movie in our head. When you read this do you get some kind of picture because I don't?

Sorry to be some what brutal, but I think you can do way better than this

~Tiffany

I hate to be the person who just agrees with everyone else, but I think a lot of other people have already made the point that I want to: you've got a nice story idea right now, but it's just not especially engaging. The story just kind of flatlines the whole way through. Two characters arguing over whether or not they should buy a pink sweater versus a CD is not the most interesting thing to read. There's a moment of exaggerated drama at the end, and then it turns out to be nothing at all.

This feels kind of like a piece of flash fiction than a complete story. I'm going to repeat the same questions I asked of your other story: what are your intentions for this? How do you want the readers to feel throughout specific scenes? Are we supposed to be interested over the dilemma of presents? How are we supposed to feel in the end — amused? Surprised? It really helps to know how you want the readers to react because it helps you understand how you yourself want each scene feel. If you really are planning to edit this into a full-fledged story, I would suggest going through every scene and thinking about that, seriously.

I also feel like the vast majority of the story is somewhat irrelevant to the action. The description of outfits at Macy's. What is that supposed to contribute to the story? I'm not asking a rhetorical question or trying to be flip; I really do want you to look at parts of the story and ask yourself what it's supposed to add.

Now. In terms of fixing things:

(1) Conflict: by this I don't mean blazing guns or ninjas, I just mean that there needs to be some more tension in the story. Maybe Hannah hates Christmas, or has a phobia of malls, or maybe she and her mother had a fight recently, or maybe she is mad at her sister and doesn't want to get her a nice present. These are all relatively bland examples, but hopefully you get the idea. You need something to bring your reader in. You need this story to be about something, which currently it's not really.

(2) The beginning: this is a fundamental part of your story because it is the part where you hook readers into what's going on and lure them to read the rest. Without a good beginning, you rarely have readers. Most people (those who love reading and those who do not) don't have the time or patience to slog through a dull beginning in the hopes that they will eventually reach some good stuff at some point. Most people don't read past the first paragraph of your story if they're not interested. (This often includes editors and publishers that you might be trying to court.) I don't know if you have any long-term plans for this piece, but whether or not you do, it's good practice to get in the habit of creating engaging beginnings. If for no other reason than to increase your readership.

I don't have especially specific suggestions in how you can start your story, but that's only because I think how you change your beginning is very dependent on your conflict. If that makes sense. If it does turn out that Hannah has a paralyzing fear of malls, maybe we'll find that out at the beginning. Or if she hates Christmas, maybe that's how you'll start out.

(3) Humour: I'm putting this one in partly because I think the end reveal (as in, that the elf was actually a picture) was probably supposed to be funny. And this was kind of jarring, not only because the ending is abrupt, but also because the rest of the piece isn't particularly humourous. I'm also suggesting this because humour is one of the simplest solutions to salvaging an otherwise flat piece. (I say "simplest", but humour isn't always the easiest thing to achieve.)

Anyway, I think that if you're looking for a way to improve this story, making it funny all the way through would be the easiest way to do so. Having your characters speak funny witty lines of dialogue is hard, but it goes a long way to making your story more palatable.

(4) The ending: after a whole lot of nothing happening, you suddenly have a burst of somewhat random action. There's no lead-up or development, it's just — bam! elf, crazy reaction, nope it wasn't real. The end. Why does she react so dramatically to the elf? You write It can't be here — does that mean she's seen it before, or is she just thinking, this can't possibly be real? It's hard to tell. This entire sequence, where she convulses and falls, is especially hard to believe because everything else in the story was so non-eventful and undramatic. Is she afraid of elves, or has she been hallucinating over them? And how on Earth can be a picture of a mythical being be so convincing that she thinks it's real, unless it was a life-sized cutout? (And would American Eagle really have something quite as tacky as a lifesize cutout of an elf?) It just doesn't fit.

If she does in fact have a giant secret fear of elves (maybe she used to have elf nightmares, maybe some kid dressed like an elf beat her up when she was a kid, maybe elves just give her the willies), it would make the story a little more plausible. But that would definitely need to be introduced earlier in the story, and reinforced a couple of times. Otherwise, you need some kind of way to justify her violent reaction, and some reason for the elf picture (painting?) to seem real. Also, wouldn't her natural conclusion be that it was just one of Santa's elves, the ones that are so prominent in malls everywhere?

* * *

A lot of people have mentioned that this is the prologue, or the beginning of something. I don't know if you told them that or if they're just assuming; is that true? If so, I'd be interested in what happens next, if only because you could probably condense this beginning bit and jump into the action.

I know I've talked about a lot of broad concepts in this critique, but I think it's mostly because the things that need to be adjusted in this story are overarching things and not just little specific details. If you want me to explain anything further, or if you have any questions about what I've said, just send me a PM and I'll do my best to help out.

Good luck! : )

Alright I gotta clear things up.
This is NOT a prologue. I don't know where you guys got that from, but it's not. I'm not planning on turning this into a 20,000 word story either, it's just supposed to be a short writing about a girl with an unusual phobia.

And yes. she has a phobia of elves. All a person with a phobia needs to do is see a picture and they can have a panic attack. Some people are so paranoid that any time they walk into a room they make an escape plan in case they encounter their phobia.

So, here is your review - I'm sorry it took so long. I also haven't read the other reviews so I apologise in advance if I repeat anything... On with the review!!

RGallagher wrote: "Hannah!" Mom yelled up the stairs. "Hurry up!"
"Why do I have to go?" I asked as I walked downstairs.
Mom sighed as she brushed her brown hair from her eyes. "Because she's your sister," Mom said. "And you should be the one to pick out her present, not me."
I sighed. "Fine. Whatever." I grabbed my coat from the rack on the wall. "Let's get this over with."
I walked out the door towards her car. My mom sighed again and locked the front door before joining me in the car.
[Delete NP>>]Mom drove us into the city to the mall.
I looked around all the packed parking lot. The outside of the mall was even decorated for Christmas. "We couldn't have gone somewhere else?" I asked.
Mom didn't even answer me; instead she pulled into a spot and turned the car off. "Come on," she said to me, "Let's get this over with."
The two of us walked into the crowded mall where we began searching for presents for my elder sister. [Elaborate - what are they thinking of getting; what shops will they go in...?]
“Where are they?” I asked Mom when we got inside.
“They’re on the other side of the mall,” Mom replied. “No[delete gap]where near where we’ll be shopping.”
I nodded and followed Mom to a music store. Mom wanted to Kira some [ this deosn't make sense - try and rephrase]CDs, but since parents are generally tone deaf, I picked them out. My sister and I listened to the same type of music so it was easy to choose what she’d like.
“Why don’t you get Kira some clothes,” Mom suggested. “Let’s check Macy's.”
Mom set off towards Macy's without waiting for a response.
“Mom, Kira isn’t going to like anything from Macy's,” I told her when I caught up.
“Oh nonsense,” Mom said shushing me with a wave of her hand. “Kira will love some of the outfits they have here.[Speech marks end]
Mom led me up and down the aisle as we looked at all the different outfits she thought were “cute”; a pink sweater, a baby blue shirt, light yellow pants. I knew Kira would never wear any of these things,[replace with colon] she was a preppy, cheerleader type. She wouldn’t get caught dead wearing outfits from Macy's.
We finally finished going up and down the aisle of the Macy's clothing department and were about to head to American Eagle to look at clothes Kira would actually wear.
That's what I saw it. An elf. Standing right there in the store. It was looking right at me with its beady brown eyes and [s]it's[/s] its creepy pointed ears.
My breathing started to speed up. No, not here. It can't be here.
"Get it away!" I yelled out loud.
I lost control of my body and collapsed to the floor.
"Hannah!" I heard my mom shout. I could feel her by my side. "It's all right, Hannah. It's not real.[replace with comma]" she kept saying over and over.
I heard a store clerk run over to me. “Is she okay?” I heard him ask
I couldn’t hear Mom’s reply, the only thing I was able to hear was a steady thumping in my head.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
The clerk must’ve gave Mom a bottle of water. I felt her tip the bottle to my mouth. I managed to open my mouth and take a mouthful of cool water.
After a few more drinks, I was able to sit up again. The thumping had stopped and I was able to hear again. A group of people had gathered around us.
“Should we call 911?” a woman asked.
Mom shook her head. “No, she’ll be fine.”
I looked around the store. "Where is it?" I asked.
"It's alright Hannah," she said. "It was just a picture." [that ending made me smile - nice way to end it (: ]

Overall Thoughts
As this is such a short piece there wasn't much for me to pick out, or really to suggest. I found out that she has a phobia of elves by what you posted, but if I didn't know, I wouldn't really understand what had happened. You need to add in somewhere that she has a phobia of elves, to make your story extra clear - maybe have her mum say to someone that she's has a phobia of elves, or something... it's up to you!!
That's really all I can suggest, this was a nice small piece. I'm sorry this review's not much help, is it? PM me if you have any questions, and click the link below if you want another critique - and I promise to be more helpful hehe .

Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx