Young Writers Society

I don't know if this is poetry so I put it in 'other' because it is...dubious.
AND even if it IS rubbish, I broke up from school today so I am so happy that I will be able to take critiques happily. So, if it IS indeed crap, just, y'know, scribble me a note and leave it underneath this lovely little 'poem'.

tcha.
xxxx



I stare at the stars
And I try and count them
But run out of fingers.
I try to stretch and wrap my mind around those
stars, those million, billion stars
But I get stuck half way around Saturn
And brainpower costs more than a pound a litre
So I give up.

Light travels really fast
But the stars are so distant-
Lightyears and aeons away
we see light from millennia ago.
Before our countries had split up
Before animals had crawled from the sea
Before fish were oil and coal was diamonds and before
we were.

Stars get older and
Colder and smaller
Until- gone. Ppfft. Dead.
As if God pinched them between his fingers
Leaving black holes in their stead
Which pull everything into nothing
Spinning and sucking and devouring
Supersized intergalactic vacuum cleaners.

One day our sun will die
then the earth will die
then the whole of our solar system
the asteroids and planets and meteors
Will die.
Well, great.
Good going, there, sun.
You great lump of undependable and incredibly hot gas.

Ahaha, I super love this little poem! ^_^

I love it because of the juxtaposition of the age-old topic of stars and the solar system, and how everyone wonders at them with reverence and your nonchalant way of dealing with them in this poem.

One of the best lines is how you speak of how fish were oil, coal was diamonds, and we were. Because of expecting the parallel structure to continue with the last item, but being surprised to see that there is no word to finish the phrase, it brings our attention directly to that place. Or mine, anyways.

I also like the mention of brain power and its cost; thought that was particularly brilliant, though the phrase before that, with the 'million, billion stars' is a bit rough, perhaps because of punctuation. Maybe just refine that section a smidge and you'll have a beautiful, STELLAR {if you don't mind my pun} work. ^_^ Good work.

This is simply INCREDIBLE!
I love its simplicity and yet unique stylishness
i was listening to 'On my own' from les miserables..don't know if you know it...?
but it really added to the whole atmosphere of the style of the piece; especially its belittling factors
I don't know why but it really connects with me, as though it has summed up what i think when looking up at the stars.
Eximinous ... really looking forward to more of your work x