Halloween II

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Those of you who have read my first Halloween story will probably pick up on the connection. (Why, yes, it's a sicko serial killer that's hunting down the members of a family one by one)

XxxDo

The room is sharply lit by flickering neon lamps that throw ovals of white light onto the plain, cement floor. The walls in the distance are equally plain, on first sight. Touching a hand to his aching forehead, Benjamin’s fingers make contact with the warm, sticky texture of his own blood. He draws air into his lungs, trying to banish the sickly, spinning sensation from his head, then turns and props himself up on his knees. As he readies to get to his feet, his leg protests with a razor-sharp jolt of pain. He gasps out loud, then goes limp, lying flat on his back on the cold, grimy cement for what feels like an eternity, before he builds up the courage to examine his leg.

The fabric of his jeans is slashed at the thigh, leaving a gaping hole some fifteen centimeters in length. The skin beneath sports a relatively superficial cut, though unfortunately placed – his every move tugs harshly at the wound and leaves him grinding his teeth in pain. He breathes, a cloud of vapour billowing lazily before his face, lingering around him like a ghost of the past. He almost scoffs at this thought, finding the irony irrevocable. After all, the last thing he remembers doing is storming out of his house to go on a search for his missing sister, who is, frankly, well on her way to becoming exactly that.

Sitting up, ever so slowly, he regains his composure and feels the sense of lightheadedness fade from him with a relieving speed, then scans his surroundings - a solid layer of concern forming in the pit of his stomach. The room is vast, ice cold, and largely empty. The high ceiling, the neon lamps that hang from chains some ten meters above the floor, and the metal shelves – ten rows thick, by the looks of it - that line one wall seem to come together in the most ominous of ways. Saying that Benjamin is uncomfortable would be an understatement.

As his eyes drift from one cement wall to the identical one beside it, something dawns on him, and for a second he forgets to breathe as the true novelty of his situation comes to life before his eyes. Not only is he in a room he doesn’t recall entering, and waking up with wounds he doesn’t remember having inflicted, it turns out that there is no possible entrance or exit to the place. None of the walls have a door, nor any window... He might as well be lying inside a humongous, hollow brick.

Where the hell am I?

Metallic buzzing fills the vast space, followed by crackling static. Benjamin lifts his head, staring right into the dark lens of a CCTV camera that hangs from one side of the neon lamp. The other side holds an old-fashioned speakerphone. He gets up, grinding his teeth at the pain in his leg, keeping his gaze trained on the camera. Then he freezes in his tracks.

He could have sworn the speakers whispered his name.

“Hello?” He calls out, receiving only a hollowly reverberating echo in response. Swallowing heavily, he touches his hand back up to his forehead, then presses his sleeve against the bleeding wound. Clenching his jaw he limps towards the high shelves, praying for there to be an exit hidden behind the empty metal constructions. A sharp crack sounds, and he stops, lifting up his foot to examine the ground below. A tiny, plastic figure lies there, broken.

Narrowing his eyes he leans closer, then pulls back. It’s a Halloween pumpkin, one of them figures children get for free with their Kinder eggs. He would know; he saw the exact same figurine standing on Jimmy’s desk only hours ago. Furrowing his brow he glances at his wrist, then widens his eyes. Whoever brought him here, took the brand-new watch that he’d gotten it only days ago, for Christmas.

“Fuck.” He hisses, patting down his pockets. His wallet, house keys and mobile phone are missing all the same. Lifting his face to the camera, eyes like glowing coals, he raises a fist at whoever is watching. He is relatively certain that someone, at some point, will be viewing the tapes. Someone whose intentions may not be of good nature.

“Who are you?” He yells, pumping his fist in the air. It’s all he can do not to fall apart. However much he hates to admit it, he's terrified. “Who are you?”

“Who I am doesn’t matter, Benjamin Rowland… it’s who you are that matters.”

Spoken over the speaker system, the voice is oddly distorted, though Benjamin is positive that it belongs to a man. His hand drops uselessly to his side, his initial fighting spirit ebbing away with every nauseatingly rapid beat of his heart.

“I see you, but you don’t see me. You like games, Benjamin?”

Turning slowly, continuously moving on the spot, he keeps an eye on every side of the room – not fancying the idea of having his back turned for too long, out of fear for being attacked.

“No.” He hisses, then glances back up at the CCTV camera. “No.”

“How very unfortunate for you, my dear boy. Do you remember Madeline ?”

His breath catches in his throat at the mentioning of his missing sister’s name, and when he looks up at the camera his eyes are so filled with anger that he almost expects the lens to break. His throat goes dry with fear.

No… Not Maddy. Please, God, no.

“Your harrowed expression tells me ‘yes’, Ben.”

Taking shallow, staggering breaths, adrenaline joyriding through his veins, he tries his best to regain his composure – to no avail. His fear leaves him speechless for a minute, before words bubble through the screen of terror.

“Where is my sister? You motherfucking bastard! Where is she?” His words echo portentously through the empty room, bouncing back and forth between the distant walls as though to emphasize the intensity of his question. A metallically cackling laughter sounds though the speakers, and he flinches involuntarily at the cruel undertone of his captor’s entertainment. When the answer comes, he knows he would have been better off not knowing.

“She’s six feet under, Benny. She’s fraternizing with the maggots.”

God… No… Maddy…

Dropping to his knees, Benjamin feels all the blood drain abruptly from his face, the burning pain in his thigh trumped by the stinging of his soul. He killed her. He killed her, and now he’ll kill him, too.

“Where are you? You sick fuck! Show yourself, you fucking coward!” His voice breaks under the strain of stress, panic and fear, and he flings himself onto the ground, hammering the cement with his clenched fists until they go numb. Screaming, losing his mind to a hurricane of emotions beyond his ability to handle, Benjamin writhes on the ground, then finally falls still and stares into the distance.

Is this the last thing Maddy saw? This fucking room? Is his voice the last thing she heard?

“I’m truly sorry about your sister, Ben. It turns out that she wasn’t good enough at games to save herself. Hide and seek wasn’t quite her strong suit, regrettably. Now I wonder… are you any better?”

Benjamin doesn’t respond, lying on his side on the cold ground, hugging his bruised fists to his chest as he sobs. The faceless voice laughs again.

“Well, Ben, if only you’d played hide and seek with her more often when she was a little girl, huh? Then maybe I wouldn’t have found her so easily. I can't help but wonder, though.... did you do a better job with little Jimmy?”

“You bastard.”

"I saw you look down at that pumpkin figure earlier. It looked familiar, didn't it?"

"Fuck you!"

“Now, now, Benny-boy... You don’t mind if I call you that, do you? I think it's an endearing nickname."

"Leave me alone! You're sick!"

"Care for a game, Ben? I’m going to guess that Marco Polo is your type of game, seeing as you’re adequate at screaming. You should be quite able to reply.” The scorn-filled sarcasm that oozes from the speakers cuts through Benjamin like a blade, mocking him with contempt. He lifts his tear-streaked face to the camera, then crawls forward and lifts the tiny, orange figurine to eye level.

Jimmy...

"Where's Jimmy? I’ll fucking kill you, you bastard!” He bellows, straightening up, panting heavily as he watches his surroundings through tear-blurred eyes, the figure clutched in the palm of his hand.

“I’ll fucking kill you for what you did to my sister, you asshole. Where the hell is my brother? Where is he?” He adds, hissing, balling his hands into tight fists, the pumpkin figurine cutting into his skin. Pacing aimlessly through the vast hall, drawing nearer to one of the walls, he fights the overwhelming panic.

Rhythmic clanging echoes around him, and he focuses his gaze on the high, metal shelves that loom over him. They shake, slightly, and he takes a step backwards. "What the...?"

As they begin to fall, toppling over towards him, his muscles slacked for a split second. By the time the figure hits the ground Benjamin has spun around, dashing away. Running, he glances back over his shoulder, watching the shelves come closer far too quickly. A sharp tug at ankle height sends him reeling, smacking down hard on the cement, hands outstretched, a sickening crunch echoing from wall to wall.

The neon lights go out, and through the laughter that erupts over the speakers, and the piercing crash of heavy slabs of metal collapsing onto solid rock, a single, harrowing scream is heard - before it cuts short abruptly.

Marco, Benny-boy...” The voice mocks, then rumbles into another fit of laughter. “No answer, huh? Nah, I didn’t think so..."

Statics sound through the speakers one last time, and when the echoing noise dies down it leaves the hall to dwell in the eerie darkness of death; exactly as it has countless times before. It's the domain of a man who's got nothing to lose.




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Hey there, xxxDo!

I've not read the first Halloween, so apologies if I'm out of the loop a little ;)

The walls in the distance are equally plain, [s]on first sight.[/s]

The on first sight I guess implies that there's more there than expected, but you've got this creepy tension building up and it seems to throw it off a little in my opinion. I'd cut it.

He breathes, a cloud of vapour billowing lazily before his face, lingering around him like a ghost of the past.

I love that description ^^

He almost scoffs at this thought, finding the irony irrevocable.

ir ir twists up my tongue. If you can think of something suitable to replace irrevocable then I'd change it, if not it's not too detrimental. But seriously tripped me up XD

Sitting up, ever so slowly, he regains his composure and feels the sense of lightheadedness fade from him with a relieving speed, then scans his surroundings - a solid layer of concern forming in the pit of his stomach.

I would ditch the first comma seeming as it doesn't really need to be there. Also, rephrasing then scans his surroundings with a before scanning his surroundings, or something of the like. Then just never seems to sound right.

None of the walls have a door, nor any window...

Just use a plain ol' full stop instead of an ellipsis, you've got enough tension without it ^^

He could have sworn the speakers whispered his name.

Should it be the singular, speaker? I don't know what a speakerphone looks like so I could be wrong there.

It’s a Halloween pumpkin, one of them figures children get for free with their Kinder eggs.

Them should be those. Also, Kinder eggs = <3.

Whoever brought him here, took the brand-new watch that he’d gotten it only days ago, for Christmas.

The title is Halloween, which alone makes me think that it's set at that time, reinforced by that kinder egg pumpkin. The fact he got it for Christmas doesn't seem to contribute anything.

“Who I am doesn’t matter, Benjamin Rowland… it’s who you are that matters.”

Again, replace the ellipsis.

“I see you, but you don’t see me. You like games, Benjamin?”

I'm not sure if it was what you were after, but they whole piece seems somewhat Saw-esque, this line especially.

His breath catches in his throat at the mentioning of his [s]missing[/s] sister’s name

We already know she's missing; we don't need to be told again ^^.

“Your harrowed expression tells me ‘yes’, Ben.”

Harrowed doesn't seem like particularly natural speech, take it out and the sentance still has the same impact.

“She’s six feet under, Benny. She’s fraternizing with the maggots.”

Nice, sharp, snappy.

He killed her. He killed her, and now he’ll kill him, too.

I think you meant that him to be a me? ;)

Statics sound through the speakers one last time, and when the echoing noise dies down it leaves the hall to dwell in the eerie darkness of death; exactly as it has countless times before. It's the domain of a man who's got nothing to lose.

I'm really not too sure about this last line. Personally I think it would end on a creepier tone if you were to cut the last part out, but then that's just me.


Okay! So, nitpicking over.

One thing about this was that it used words I didn't understand. Now, I know I dont have a spectacular vocabulary, but sometimes simpler is better. Whenever I came to something I didn't know the meaning of, it would make me stop and I'd lose place of where I was to wonder about this word. One which really caught me out was portentously, because I couldn't even begin to understand what that meant. So, as nice as long words can be, try not to use too many at one ^^

Benjamin is an interesting character, but at the same time he's a tad confusing. When I started reading I thought he was young, and then later when Jimmy is mentioned I thought he was an office friend or something, and that he was older. By the end of it I wasn't sure exactly who this Benjamin really was, so a little more detail about him would be useful for clarification I think.

I'm a bit iffy with his moods too. He starts of terrified because of where he finds himself, but then when he finds out about his siblings he snaps instantly into anger, and the transition doesn't really gel very well.

All in all this was a good read, with its creepy undertones. I read it with the assumption that Benjamin was going to die right at the end, so while that wasn't a surprise it was interesting in a sort of knowing-more-than-the character sort of way. You had some pretty ace descriptions too.


If you have any questions, or want me to look at anything else, then feel free to drop me a PM :)
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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Very creepy story. I loved reading this. After reading your original Halloween, the ending was kind of obvious. And yeah, I agree with little tin fish on the vocabulary point. I had to stop to look up some of the meanings. In this type of fiction, I think simpler words are better.

having inflicted


I think that maybe 'having been inflicted' sounds better. Or that could be just me.

“Fuck.” He hisses,


Unless you're saying he hissed after speaking, then you should replace the period with a comma and de-capitalize the 'H'.

All in all, I loved it. This is the type of horror that I like, not the blood and guts one. Honestly, I'm sorry but I liked your first Halloween better. The ending to this piece was kind of spoiled by the original. Sorry.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.




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Thanks for the reviews ^^

Tin Fish:

I'll get editing asap. Thanks for all the nitpicks, they're very helpful! I appreciate it. =]

Vyper:

You know what, dear? I like my first Halloween story better, as well ! ^^ and plus, there's no need to say Sorry, it's your opinion so you're welcome to express it :wink: It's simply difficult to make the sequel of a story better, sometimes, but I figured that with the advice of fellow YWS'ers I could give it a shot. Thanks for your comment!

XxxDo



You're a hairy, wizard!
— EllieMae