The Ram

EDIT: Whoops. Image 13, by the way.

The wind caught in the park trees. It mingled and danced with the voices of the people relaxing on the grass behind me. These voices frolicked past my hearing as rabbits in spring were supposed to, if you believed the children’s stories. As far as I could tell rabbits were just like any other animal, eating and sleeping, having children and eating, eating and dying. The voices of the people behind me, however, danced and hopped as they discussed the next exciting phase of the lives, just like Disney would have you believe stated rabbits did. Good luck to them.
I looked down to the object seated nicely in my palms. Pages flicked across my vision, flashes of dark ink hinting at words and phrases whose meanings sat sly at the edge of understanding. Some of them stuck, working their way into the rusty cog works of my mind.
‘The Ram advanced…’
“Good book?”
I glanced up, surprised, squinting against the weight of time to study the young man now seated next to me on the park bench. I sighed and rubbed my chin, coarse grey hairs stroking calloused fingers. “It certainly gives me a lot to think about.”
“Oh? A philosophical book, then?” His tone was friendly, conversational and uninhibited, like a curious child. My mind turned back to the book, and the last phrase stuck in the gears. The ram indeed did advance, his stare withering these bones on their steady journey into senility. My unseeing gaze landed on the invisible scene playing in front of me, my memory, a rusted spring, stretched and threatened to snap.
Unfortunately the threat proved to be a bluff.
The scene swarmed in.

The air was still, a thick syrup pouring into my lungs. Sweet oxygen circulating through rivers of cherry red, dispersing into each muscle and gifting my whole body with an unnatural energy. My gaze caught in her eyes, pale green and as soft as the avocado moisturizer she used on her skin. It continued, sweeping down her small, rounded nose that reminded me so much of a small child’s, settling on her lips. Finely shaped and the witness to much laughter, they were now tense and shaking like a threatened kitten. The softness of her eyes was drowning in fear and pain, but my emotions stood as solid, cold pillars. Holding the weight of a devastating accusation, formed not by the trembling, pursed felines owned by my wife, but by my own treacherous mouth.
[i]“What do you mean, Richard?” Her voice was small, quavering. I wished with all of me that I could take my words back, catch them in my fist and hide them away for eternity. Instead they echoed unspoken between me and the woman I loved too much.
I wished I could open my mouth and apologize, to step back into her arms and feel the love I had possessed only moments before, but my jaw was clenched tight with anger. Like a jealous beast, fury stomped and snorted through me until my nerves reverberated with the ram’s pounding hoofbeats.
The ram could scent another’s musk on my wife. Eventually the tension demanded to be used, and my fist found release against her soft cheek. The look of shock in her eyes cut deep through the anger, slaying the beast. Regret washed over me, my mouth dropping open. It was too late for regrets. I had lost her.[/i]

“Excuse me, Sir, are you alright?”
I jolted out of the scene with a start, my breath catching in my throat. My heart was thundering in my ears, forgotten pain jolting my nervous system from its numb slumber. A concerned hand lent its weight to my shoulder and I turned and smiled at the young man, blinking hurriedly to dismiss the tears. “I’m fine. The book brought back memories, that’s all.”
“Oh? Good ones, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I do mind.” I shuffled in my seat to study his face a little more carefully. He was wearing a tracksuit of the most garish blue ever to assault my senses, and his open expression was covered slightly in a sheen of sweat . I wondered if he was somewhat simple in the head, his gaze was so interested and trusting. “Let me tell you this, son. If you have a good thing, don’t let yourself lose it through assuming bad must come with it.”
I watched his expression fold into polite puzzlement. “Sir?”
“Never mind, Son. Some things you have to learn for yourself.”

xD Well, I've just gotten on and seen your piece on the front page. I was going to PM you and comment, but I guess I'll look through it here so you have an actual critique.

You know how much I like this already, so I'll just get straight into the critique.

I looked down to the object seated nicely in my palms.

What does "nicely seated" mean? Can't it just be seated? You know my deep seated hatred of adverbs, though.

I'd like to see more description of the young man. It's hypocritical coming from me, but I have no idea what he looks like. The scenario is a bit hard to envision. Try to add a little bit more, even if it is vague.

“Oh? Good ones, if you don’t mind me asking?”

He doesn't sound very young. He's much too polite, I think. It could be something else. He doesn't give off an air of youth throughout, anyway.

He was wearing a tracksuit of the most garish blue ever to assault my senses, and his open expression was covered slightly in a sheen of sweat .

You have a random space before the end of the sentence. The wording in the first part of this sentence is kind of stilted. You might want to try rewording it.

“Let me tell you this, son."
“Never mind, Son."

Try to be consistent with your capitalisation here. Pick whether you're going to have a capital "S" or not.

Well, that's all I've got. You should feel proud.

It's an interesting piece, even though there's not much to it. For its length, you had quite a good main character. However, it's easy to tell that the younger guy is there to make the story move along. That doesn't detract from it so much, though, because I know that it's a short piece. You're really good at these sorts of things.

Sorry I couldn't been of more help.

-Mat

I like this piece, it puts so many images into my head. ^^

I almost feel sorry for the man, but it was his fault, but then again it was the wife's fault . . but then again.

*is lost in her own pondering*

And look what you have done to me now, I shall be thinking on this all night. ^^

0.0 those italics just won't work! Pretend they are there.... please? XD

It's really good. I think the man was being unreasonably aggresive. Must be the testosterone. But he paid the price, and now I pity him. Figures.
Your italics are fine, just a few weird, stray ""s. Like the following.

“What do you mean, Richard?”

I had lost her. [/i]

Oh yeah. And one more thing.

I shuffled in my seat to study his face a little more carefully. He was wearing a tracksuit of the most garish blue ever to assault my senses, and his open expression was covered slightly in a sheen of sweat .

If I were studying his face, I'd probably know more about how he looked like than that. If I could see the sweat, I'd also see if his countenance was placid or whatever. But that's just me - in love with details. Since this young man was jogging, or whatever that made him perspire, he probably wouldn't sit down and chat with some old guy holding a book.

Hope I helped!

Hello Chey.

The wind caught in the park trees.

I do not like this sentence for a number of reasons. Firstly, your preposition of "in" doesn't fit. Wind can't enter the insides of trees I'm afraid. They can go around or through them though. Secondly, I don't think the word "caught" fits here since wind itself can go through trees easily. Thirdly, it's not very original to start a piece off describing the sky, wind etc firsthand. I've seen quite a few people do that during the course of my reviewing so I suggest that you find another way to start. (though it seems to have some relevance with your piece. Maybe I'm being nit picky here).

The voices of the people behind me, however, danced and hopped as they discussed the next exciting phase of the lives, just like Disney would have you believe stated rabbits did. Good luck to them.

Hrmm. Why would you mention about the voices again?

Pages flicked across my vision, flashes of dark ink hinting at words and phrases whose meanings sat sly at the edge of understanding.

Would a person read a book as fast as that? It seems like so right here.

The air was still, a thick syrup pouring into my lungs.

If the air's still, then how can it pour into your lungs?

Overall impressions:

1. Narrator Vs Stranger

Judging from the narrator's tone and some of his diction, he seems to be quite a serious person and emotionally hardened by his experience. The stranger himself however is rather casual and outgoing. I would like to see more of a contrast between them. You see, the stranger himself hasn't experienced a loss of a loved one before whereas the narrator has. As a result, the stranger is effectively an image of himself if he hadn't lost her wife to that incident. You could had established more of a tension between them if you had shown more of the stranger's carefree nature (e.g: one of his children could run up to him and be asking him to come back to their picnic table). By doing that, you are showing to the audience of what the narrator is missing out in his life because of that loss, hence allowing us to sympathize with the narrator more.

2. The narrator's wife

Why does the narrator love her anyways? Obviously, there has to be something in that relationship that cannot be found elsewhere. Otherwise, the narrator wouldn't be labelling the people around him with the Disney rabbit allusion. I think you need to explore more as to how the narrator's wife caters for him. This will add more depth to the Disney rabbit allusion (as Disney cartoons actually ignores individual opinions and feelings, it only caters more on the positive views of life most of the time).

3. Characterize the narrator more

Is there any other aspects of your narrator that you can show besides his seriousness and isolating nature and that he lost his wife to a ram? What about his feelings and thoughts towards the ram? (Obviously, it's not going to be one of those Disney rabbits eh) Why did he failed to save his wife? Elaborate.

Overall though Chey, this is pretty interesting and decent overall. It's definitely one of your better works so well done "claps wildly". With some more tinkering with the themes of this piece, it will be a much more engaging and richer read.

I wish you all the best.

Andy.

I'd like it a little more if you told us what happened to the wife... All of a sudden, he still loves her, and she doesn't love him. Do they get a divorce? What happened to her that made her leave?

‘The Ram advanced…’

Why is 'ram' capitalized?

I shuffled in my seat to study his face

How can a person shuffle in their seat?



Great story though! 7/10

Hey! Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this! But I am finally here!

First off is this the first chapter of something or just a short piece? It does not really matter what it is as it works either way, but a little bit more information on the piece would be great

The wind caught in the park trees. It mingled and danced with the voices of the people relaxing on the grass behind me. These voices frolicked past my hearing as rabbits in spring were supposed to, if you believed the children’s stories. As far as I could tell rabbits were just like any other animal, eating and sleeping, having children and eating, eating and dying. The voices of the people behind me, however, danced and hopped as they discussed the next exciting phase of the lives, just like Disney would have you believe stated rabbits did. Good luck to them.

- To be honest with you I didn't really like this opening. The first line is a little cliche, and the talk about rabbits seemed a bit pointless. But it gave me a feel of your style of writing which I liked. Just not so sure about this at the moment.

If this is just a short piece it gives enough information to the reader, in short pieces you don't need to know all about the characters, and you did the piece justice all the same. I do however hope this is part of a longer novel as you can develop the characters, the narrator obviously has things in his past that disturb him, it would be a very interesting piece if you explored this more.

I do think he was a little aggressive at the end compared to how he was speaking at the beginning, but I will put it down to him being really into the book and it brining back past memories.

Everything else has already been covered so I won't ramble on pointlessly! Hope my little bit of input has helped ^_^.

If you ever want any more critiques I will be happy to help you out.

Meevs
x

Here's the review you asked for!

The wind got caught in the park trees, as it mingled and danced with the voices of the people relaxing on the grass behind me.

It sounds better that way.

These voices frolicked past my hearing, as rabbits in spring were supposed to, if you believed the children’s stories.

Comma

As far as I could tell, rabbits were just like any other animal, eating and sleeping, having children and eating, eating and dying.

Comma. I really like this sentence. I don't know why.

I looked down to the object that was seated nicely in my palms.

A someone has mentioned before, this sentence doesn't work that well. This is one way to change it.

“Good book?” asked a voice out of the blue.

Write something there.

Like a jealous beast, fury stomped and snorted through me until my nerves reverberated with the ram’s pounding hoofbeats.

Hoof beats? There's no such word.

Really descriptive. I liked this story. I think you should expand it, describe the wife and young man more, but that's all.