Heartsick - Chapter One

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Celine


You know that feeling when somebody is being entirely pessimistic and stubborn? Like when they refuse to go along with what you plan and turn it all upside down and wreck it? You know what I'm talking about-- it's a really annoying feeling that makes you get all worked up inside for almost absolutely no reason. It kind of tightens your chest and you feel like you're about to explode.

That's the feeling Ilona is giving me right now. She is being a complete pain-- whining about the plans I'm making. It's not like she has anything better to do either. She probably just wants to stay cooped up in her bedroom dissolving her eyes in some book. It's driving me crazy.

I told her she needs to get a life, and she insisted she has one. I could swear she doesn't. All she does all day is sit around reading, or running around outdoors as if she's trying to do some wildlife experiment. It's sickening, because she still wants to act like a child when she is almost fourteen.

"Ilona," I told her yesterday when I marched into her room. She was tucked under her cover at three o'clock in the afternoon reading something by Louisa May Alcott, "get out of your bed, it's three thirty."

She didn't say anything. She just replied with a "hmm?" Then I started to get frustrated a bit, and tore the covers from her. She can really be stubborn these days. The words must have had her hypnotized, because she didn't even take her eyes from the book for one second.

"Ilona!" I screeched at her, "get out of your bed! We have to go out-- now!"

She slowly closed her book, as if trying to read as much words as she could as the book closed it's pages on her.

"What?" she asked, finally looking at me for the first time.

"I said, we need to go!" I hissed at her. She had really annoyed me by not getting up, and she was still in her pajamas.

"Go where?" she asked stretching her arms over her head lazily.

"Out! They're waiting for us!"

"Who's waiting?" she asked, finally getting off the bed.

"The girls. Now hurry up and get dressed."

I walked over to her closet and flung the door open. I tore a dress off a hanger and threw it towards her. She threw it over my head, back into the closet. I turned around to face her, with my hand on my hip.

"Such attitude," she said, turning to her dresser, "when do you ever see me wear a dress?"

"Never," I shot back at her, taking another dress out of the closet, "but that's going to change today."

"I'm not wearing a dress," she said firmly and walked out of the room.

I'm pretty sure if things were left up to her we would always hang out in her bedroom over tiny cups of tea and cookies, probably discussing an ancient book.

"I'm ready," she announced from behind me much sooner than I expected her, "where are we going now?"

"Out," I said, "there's someone I want you to meet."





Ilona


After being dragged mercilessly from store to store and forced out of my perfectly comfortable tracksuit, into a suffocatingly tight pair of jeans and an overly fancy top, I was led by the arm through various back streets until we came to the park. Celine fumbled in her overpriced purse for a tiny mirror and checked her hair as I struggled to make the clothes cling slightly less.

"Chill Lo," she said, smearing chapstick over her lips, "I'm sure you're gonna like my surprise."

I sighed. "Cell, I don't like surprises, especially not yours. So, please let's just hurry and get the over with... please."

"You'll be thanking me later. You'll regret ever acting like this." I wasn't so sure. All I really wanted to do was spend the day doing something other than getting ready for surprises. She folded her mirror shut and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"Ready?"

"Yes," I lied impatiently.

"Let's go," she grabbed my arm and pulled me through the gates of the park. She constantly giggled as she led me down various paths. I could tell that she was dragging me to the hidden garden-- my favorite place in the park.

"Close your eyes," she said, placing her hands over my eyes, "no peeking." I couldn't peek even if I had wanted to. She grabbed my left hand with her free hand and took me a few steps forward.

"Is that all?" I asked sarcastically, "just a few steps?"

"Shush, open your eyes," she said. I don't know what I was expecting from Celine. Maybe some new type of plant growing there, because I'm geeky like that and take an interest in it. Maybe I was expecting her to have planned something a little bit better than what I was looking at.

A guy.

With a stupid grin on his face. I started to get annoyed, because I was hoping that Celine had more sense than to drag me all the way to the mall and to the hidden gardens for a guy. She should have known better than to do that; all I would do is complain to her later on about it. So there we stood, me probably looking like I had just seen a ghost and Celine grinning stupidly besides me.

"Ilona," she said cheerily, with an exaggerated toss of her hair, "this is Jason. Jason, this is Ilona."

"Nice to meet you Ilona," he said extending his hand. His voice probably would have melted any other girl's heart. Not me. It aggravated me. I could tell he was trying to make himself sound attractive.

"Nice to meet you too," I said, timidly shaking his hand. He tightened his grip and gave me a firm shake. I tried not to gag.

"So, uh, you live around here?" he asked looking at me from head to toe.

"Yeah, we do," Celine interrupted, "we live... over by the docks, you know?"

"Oh the docks," he sounded like he didn't really know what docks we were talking about, "I go there often... maybe you girls could come hangout with me sometime. That'd be cool."

I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to protest, but Celine quickly jabbed me in the side.

"Oh we'd love to," she said enthusiastically, "right Ilona, we can totally meet up with him sometime. We'd have a blast!"

"Uh... yeah," I said, trying to sound excited, "that would be great..."

"Oh great," Jason said, "I'll see you around then, okay?"

"Definitely. Give me a call if you want to meet up," Celine chirped.

"I will," he said winking at her, "see you around... bye Ilona."

As soon as I was sure he was far away enough to be out of earshot I turned to Celine.

"What was that about?"

"What part?"

"The whole thing. You dragging me out here to meet that," I said.

"That is a human, Lo," she said, "and you'll be thanking me for this later."

"Thanking you for what? You dragging me out here to meet some guy who's like... sixteen or something?"

"He's not just 'some guy', Lo, he's Jason, and for your brains he's seventeen."

"So you mean you dragged me out here to meet a seventeen year old guy? Cell, have you lost your mind?" I huffed and folded my arms like a little child, "Besides, what's with the winking and 'I'll see you around'? That's just pathetic--"

"He's not just a guy Ilona!" she nearly shouted at me, "Stop saying I dragged you out here. You walked yourself. Besides, he's not a total stranger. He's your sister's friend's brother," she sighed heavily, "thanks for ruining everything."

"I ruined it?" I laughed sarcastically, "Celine, I don't even get what it is with you... why are you so bent on wanting to go out with an older guy or something? Just let it go for all it's worth--"

"Lo..." she groaned, pulling at the roots of her hair, "you're missing my point."

"Maybe because you don't have one?" I shot back at her. Sure I was being rude, but I didn't care. Either she wasn't feeling well or she had gone crazy.

"Wow, you can really be self-centered sometimes. You're the only one who didn't know about this. Your sister knows, his sister knows. I know, he knows."

"You're not making sense Celine," I said slowly, "what is it that I don't know about this?"

"That this isn't all about me after all," she said through clenched teeth, "he wanted to meet up with... you."


I could have sworn that those were the worst words I had heard all year.
Last edited by Juniper on Wed Dec 24, 2008 8:08 am, edited 5 times in total.
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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I made s I can't believe I am this excited either!


.... What happened here? In syntax, I mean. It looks like two sentences slammed together, lol.

"I look stupid." She blurts.


There should be a comma after "stupid," not a period, and "She" needs to be lowercased.

I found some punctuation and grammar mistakes in the diary entries, but as you said - they have to be kept the same. I think it just helps to show that the character has her own flaws and such.

Keep up the great work =]




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Oh wow! Thanks for pointing that out! My computer scrambled everything up and I tried to fix most of it >.<
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Is there anything wrong with being ugly? I happen to like being ugly. Celine thinks that me thinking being ugly is weird, and I don't see why. If it's not too hard to accept the fact that you are ugly them why not accept it. I am ugly, no big deal, and I'm happy with it. At least at this point, I know that I won't have to worry about the drama that all of the teenage girls whine about that this oh-so-cute-guy broke up with them because the weren't pretty enough. That sounds airier than cotton candy to me... whatever that little thing means, but anyway.


I hate this paragraph. I hate it and I want it to die, save the cotton candy simile, which I happened to like. This girl is saying that she doesn't mind being ugly, yet being ugly is an opinion. And the fact that saying somebody ugly is weird is incredibly strange. "You're ugly. That's weird." How does that make any sense? I would just omit this paragraph, because this is written in a way where it's clear to the reader that she obviously minds being "ugly," but is trying to convince herself that it is no big deal, and shes absolutely fine with it. Just... get rid of this. It doesn't do anything to for the story, but irritate the reader.

Today was good. Really, really good. Cell and I went with my older sister and her older sister to hang out with their friends. Now I totally understand why people say sixteen year olds are cool. I don't want to be sixteen, but gee, they sure are people with freedom! Only, I hate when they say thirteen year olds are babies. I'm so not a baby! I may look like one... an ugly, short one... I'm not that short either, but that doesn't matter too much. And I won't be thirteen much longer! Only a few weeks! Oh yeah!


What is with this mindless ramble crap? This is worse than the last paragraph. If I had to edit and rewrite this, I would just eliminate it. This has no point. She's saying that she went with her friends and sister to hang out, and that she's an ugly, short thirteen-year-old who thinks people who are sixteen are cool. First off, you say that "Today was good. Really, really good." How? How was it really good? You totally neglect to tell us! You hung out with older chicks, sure, but what happened? What did you guys do? And why is the narrator bashing herself so much? It's so annoying - it's driving me crazy!

Cellie is making things difficult. We are supposed to go out for ice cream, but she wants to go get cheap ice cream from an ice cream truck when we can go to Friendly's at least! Or go someplace else. Now that is exactly why I don't want a boyfriend. For one, it's too all love-dove-y and stuff and completely blocks out friends from your life and for another it interferes with plans. Major, major plans. This is going to bother me.


I hate these diary entries. "My friend wants to get ice cream from the truck, when we can go to a restaurant! That's why I don't want a boyfriend - because they're too lovey dovey, and they interfere with important plans." What? Does this even make sense? Because your friend wants to get ice cream somewhere else, you don't want a boyfriend? What?

Only twenty days until my birthday! I am going to be 14! Yay!

And I hate growing up and turning ages. Really. I'm dreading this. I actually cried on my seventh birthday... Lamely pathetic and stuff, but whatever.


Is this a joke? Did she actually write, "Yay!" after she reminds herself of her birthday, but then get totally just say, "But I hate my birthday." Is this girl stupid or something? Why is she constantly contradicting herself? Do you even read over your writing? Wow, I'm being mean. But seriously -- none of this makes freakin' sense. And you can't get rid of the diary entries, huh?

I haven't written a poem in ages! Bad, bad habit! Today is exciting! It's super sunny, so we are hitting the pool to cool off. I can finally swim all day like I want to.


She starts off with saying that she should be writing poems more, and then suddenly switches to the subject of weather... in the same paragraph, which is a total violation of proper grammar.

Celine is making things horrible. I made the mistake of saying, "Oh, no, I don't like guys, I only like girls." she took it the wrong way. Absolutely! I don't like girls like... like girls! But, I am trying to get my point across to her. All I meant is I don't care for a relationship. At all. I just want friends. Is that bad? "But you're a teenager" she said. So what. I don't care.


This Celine character is so transparent that I can barely believe that she exists. These diary entries just get worse and worse. This girl, she's so annoying. What she writes never makes any sense. First off, that "Absolutely!" you threw in there doesn't make sense with the surrounding context. Is this your way of saying that your character is a lesbian? Or that she's anti-relationship? What she writes makes me think that she's just spiteful because she can't get a relationship.

My birthday is creeping closer and closer. And good news is, it's a Friday! I don't know why that's a good thing... but it is! Because I can spend time with Dad! And we're supposed to be doing something special soon, too, so that makes me happy.

The kittens are getting big! I think I told you about them already. But they are getting big now and they know how to run and meow and hunt. They are so adorable.

Somebody keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. I don't want anything!! All I want is a nice day with Dad! A family day!


Didn't she just write before that she was dreading her fourteenth birthday? Why is she getting so excited? And she's so vague about everything. "Oh, I want to do something with my dad, and the kittens are getting bigger! Yay!" It has no point. Cool, she has kittens. Nice, she loves her dad. How about something relevant?

Celine and her stupid, stupid ways. I can never argue with her. All I want is some little pinch of information out of her and she will tell me as long as I go through with a dare. A horrible, horrible idea for a dare. It's not even funny, and I don't see what she finds interesting about it. Big deal. I have to talk to my older sisters friend's older brother. There shouldn't be anything bad about that. We've known their family for almost centuries. Okay, fine, years, whatever, but still. I will only be talking to him... it's not a big deal.


Every time this girl, what's her name? Does she have a name? Anyway, every time your protagonist talks about her bestie Celine, she ends the entry with, "Oh, it's no big deal. It doesn't matter." Obviously it does, because obviously she likes this boy, and obviously she's stupid. Ugh. Let's keep reading.

Talking to Jase was a big mistake. The dude is seventeen years old and wants to meet up tomorrow night. With a thirteen year old. It's a shame how people lose their minds these days... I'm sure this all has to do with Celine's evil, evil schemes. Revenge sounds sweet soon.

(Remember: plot revenge on Celine)

Celine thinks my diary entries are boring. That sounds reasonable; they are boring. I have a journal, and that's where I keep all of my memories and issues. No one can read that, ever.


I agree with Celine about the boring diary entries. And she shouldn't even classify herself as thirteen if her birthday is in five days. But this is sort of getting interesting, sort of. So some older guy likes her, great. But she doesn't want to meet up with him? Then why didn't she say no? Oh yeah, because your protagonist is STUPID. =]

I'm excited! I just got back from hanging out with Jase, and he's not that bad actually! He is really nice, and for once someone doesn't treat me like a giant baby! I'm not that small, I don't think. Maybe I am like short or something, but I'm not little. And my sister and her friend tagged along (as if I were still a baby) so it wasn't actually bad or anything. I am so tired! It's late! I'll write soon!


Um, great? Awesome? Why don't you tell us what happened? Isn't that the point of a diary? Why was it so great? And how tall are you, anyway? And you're not a baby - fourteen isn't that young. Is she ever going to get that through her head?


I'm trying to desperately soak up the last few moments of being thirteen! Maria and I made a list of things I have to do before fourteen and some of them I just can't do. Like, jumping off the Eiffel tower would never work.


Who is this Maria person? And why is turning fourteen so special? Does she ever tell the reader anything?

Two days! I'm going to be fourteen! It seems weird. I can remember turning thirteen; it feels like yesterday. I never like turning ages. It's just not fun.


Can she be more stupid? Or is she just bipolar? This is the second time she's like, "Ooooh, I can't wait until I turn fourteen! But I don't want to. I hate this. I don't like birthdays."


Tomorrow is my birthday, but I have no idea what it will turn out. I am excited, but I don't know what it will be like.

I had the choice of a car to rent for the weekend, which in this case is a three day weekend, and I chose a brand new dodge charger. It's teal and never driven before, so for a few hundred dollars, we're cruising in a brand new super charged beauty! I'm not sure what else I'll be doing... I won't have my usual birthday swim, since I know I won't be home. But anything suits, as long as I am with family.


Do you mean, "How it will turn out?" And I don't understand the paragraph about the car. Her family is going to rent one for her birthday? And since when does renting one cost a couple hundred dollars? She's getting jipped!

At last. I finally circled the Twenty nine on my calendar, and tonight I will draw a line through my circle. I am fourteen. Wow. I am old. Well, not yet! I was born in the afternoon, Mom says, so not just yet. I'll savor the flavor of the moment. But for now, I have to dress and check out the car!


Oh boy. Fun.

Wow, how eventful life is! I am now a fourteen year old, and I can't say I feel much different. Nor can I say I feel much the same. Anyway! My birthday was good! Dad had to work, but we hung out at his workplace for much of the day, and then we hung out with my little sister's friends. Did I mention Celine is moving to New Jersey? It's not as sudden as it seems but I forgot to write about it. Because I didn't want to. Also, the dodge was a beauty. She was plastic on the outside, plush on the inner, a bit hard to drive because the frontal window was low to see out of, and the windows are so small. But the trunk was incredible! It's large and has a door handle inside, so it's made for someone to ride in there. Probably for smugglers. The day right after my birthday, we went to Jersey and hung out with friends. Good, good times. We stayed in a hotel too, but we were back home early next morning. To complete the awesome weekend, my friend visited from Chicago. Can't get more awesome than that.


Plastic on the outside? Are you talking about a car? And although I know your from New York, nobody else does. So Chicago could seem two seconds away for some people, or a 36-hour plane ride to Jersey. And you really don't describe the car that well at all. And "probably for smugglers?" Are you serious with that line? And who was the friend from Chicago? And how many sisters does this girl have? And notice, I am not correcting the grammar in the diary entries, because they are diary entries, and they are written by people who may not know proper grammar, like your stupid protagonist. I'm mean, and I don't care =] Yay. You said I could be harsh.

I've abandoned my writing again! Even my diary! This will not work. I keep a journal and haven't actually abandoned that, but still... this won't work.

I may not write in here for a while... but I think...

Jase and I are going out?


When did this happen? How? You never give us details, EVER. Why do you keep leaving us in the dark?

Her short, red summer dress dances around her legs like flowers in the wind as she runs into the bedroom. She perches on the stool in front of the bureau mirror and tucks her hair behind her ears.


That's a wannabe simile. You mixed it with a metaphor, first of all, by saying it "dances," and then you compare the dancing to flowers in the wind. You don't even tell us how the flowers in the wind are dancing. Are they swaying side to side? Are they flowing and entwining with one another? And just say "mirror," because the bureau in front of it makes the sentence just sound more awkward.

"Okay, Celine," she says, studying her face in the mirror, "come 'doll me' up."

"Lona, you crazy girl..." Celine says, rising from the bed and crossing to the vanity, "how do you expect me to 'doll you up'?"


Is Celine stupid? What does she think "to doll up," means? And second, you put the apostrophe's around two different sets of words, 'doll me,' and 'doll you up.' Just put quotations around "doll" and be done with it. And the verbs you use for Celine sound strange. She rose from the bed? What is she, a ghost? And she crosses to the vanity... crossing across the room, you mean? Do you expect us to fill this all in ourselves?

"Work your ways Cellie, you always make me look slightly presentable."

"Loli, you are presentable as you are, girl. Look at yourself. You're pretty."

"I'm looking," she says, "and I see an ugly girl with an ugly nose and ugly hair."


Ilona, looking at her diary entries, is making me skeptical. In the very beginning she says, "I'm ugly and I don't care! Yay!" and she even says that Celine said that thinking being ugly is weird. You don't really clarify for us there what either of them meant.

And in the second piece of dialogue, when Celine speaks, there should be a comma between "look at yourself," and "you're pretty." If you really think they are two separate thoughts, then put a semi-colon.

"Oh nothing," Celine says with a wave of her hand, "Anyway, you don't like makeup, what's the point in wearing it?"


"Anyway, you don't like makeup, SO what's the point in wearing it?" And there should be a comma after "Oh" in the beginning. Also, when this little scene first starts, Ilona says that Celine always makes her look slightly presentable, implying that she has put makeup on her before. Why is she bringing this, "Oh, you don't like it, so why should I do it?" thing now? And replace that second comma with a period.

"Look at me," Celine demands,[b] holding a tiny brush to Ilona's face. She dusts her cheeks in powder and lightly coats her eyes in a light mahogany shade. The smell reminds her of leather[b], and the fine particles make Ilona want to sneeze.


I put the necessary commas in bold.

The rapid click of heeled shoes against the white marbled floor causes Celine to turn away from the mirror and look towards the door. Ilona walks in, clad in a satin blue dress.


When did Ilona leave in the first place? Did she simply dissapear off the stool to another room, and change into the dress in less than two seconds?

"No I don't. This dress is suffocatingly tight, Cell, I'm beginning to think this is a bad idea."


Replace one of those commas with a period.

"What?" Celine asks, twisting her own brown hair around her finger.


Because "brown" is such an interesting color. This is your chance to tell the reader what hair color Celine has, so don't say "brown." Say "mahogany," or "espresso," or "chocolate" or something like that. If you do say espresso or chocolate or something, put '-colored' after that, because "twisting her chocolate hair around her fingers" sounds strange. But it's better than "brown."

"Lo, you are being ridiculous," Celine says, only halfway paying attention to her. She was in a hurry to meet up Hurry up, you're running late."


I think there's a typo here, with the italicized portion. Re-read that.

~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~

CHARACTERS

ILONA

Strange name... And, personally, I hate Ilona. She's shallow and she's stupid and she never knows what she's thinking, or what she means. Her diary entries tell this to us straight-out. Apparently she's good looking, you make that very clear in the last scene, but she's always telling us she's ugly. She knows she's pretty, and obviously wants people to tell her otherwise. And she's just, well, an idiot. Or bipolar; this is with the "Oh my gosh! My birthday! I can't wait! But no, I hate birthdays, I don't want to turn fourteen." You don't even tell us why she would even think the latter. The "oh my gosh-ness" is expected from a teenage girl, but is there any reason for her to dread her birthday? She's just... I'm sorry, but I really don't like your protagonist. You're not making me really care for her, or what happens to her. If that Jase guy kills her, I'd be like, "Aw, that's sad. But I mean, she's fictional, so it doesn't really matter." If you're like, "Well, everybody in books is fictional," of course that's true! But the characters are usually so well developed that we would break down crying if they were to die. That's happened to me.

CELINE

I don't know Celine that well - she's a typical, cliche teenage character. "Oh, get a boyfriend, because you have to even though I have no reason at all." How many times have I read about a character like this? There is always a friend who wants the protagonist to get a boyfriend, who doesn't want one, but gets one anyway because they're so freakin' awesome.

DIARY ENTRIES

Oh God. I hate the entries more than I hate Ilona herself. She's so vague in them - she doesn't tell anyone what's happening in her life, or why it happened, or when it happened. She writes things like, "Today was incredibly awesome, but I'm not telling you why!" And she totally just switches to things out of the blue, or begins an entry with something totally unexpected. For example, the "I'm going out with Jase thing." Where did that come from? How did that happen? Why does she never tell us anything?

DIALOGUE

The dialogue is stifled. It doesn't make the characters sound real. It's so cliched it's disgusting. "I hate how I look!" "Oh, you look fine." "I'm so ugly!" "I'm jealous of you, because your really pretty." Sure, that happens in real life, but why do we want to read something that we've heard so many times? Try to write things new and exciting, rather than the boring, typical conversations. Why don't they talk about how Jase asked her out, or what happened that night when she hung out with him? Or how about Celine's past boyfriends?

OVERALL

This it an "ehhhhhhh," kind of story. I mean, most of your grammar was fine, it wasn't atrocious or anything. It wasn't flawless, but it rarely is. Celine and Ilona aren't that well developed, but at least we know what's going on in the story - it's just a little cliche. What isn't cliche are the diary entries, which you used to explain what was happening. I did hate them, but they were a clever literary device. You use metaphors and similes and such very well, but you just don't have a good surrounding background. Your foundation for this story isn't concrete - like I said, we don't really know what's happening.

You should work on this. A LOT. I suggest you read a lot more stories on this site to get an idea of what good writing is like. There are many talented people on YWS, and you should get to reading their work more.

Keep writing! Hope I wasn't too mean!
~*Sara*~
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Wow, this was a wonderful piece, springrain2693 ! I really liked the ironic twist with her not considering herself a baby yet not willing to act like an adult. The dialogue struggled a bit, it needed some more clarify because I was left uninterested because of Ilona's complaining. Overall, I'm pretty excited for chapter two, so PM me! ;D

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