Young Writers Society

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1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?

Somewhat. I think she craves for attention, but doesn't want to her need for it too obvious. I'm not sure though. I'm not deep enough in the story to know.

2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?

Don't change it. It has just the right amount of description in my opinion.

3. How old do you think Skye is?

I'd put her at 14-16 years old.

Anyway, I noticed something. Insignificant really, but how could she not identify the song on her iPod? o0

That was a great start.
1. Skye's personality I think is slightly depressed and agnstful. I argee withte person above that she night wants attention.

2. I like the writng style it just doesn't tell me what the rest of the story is about.

3. I think Skye is probaly 14 or 15 it seems like she is still in Middle School.

This was great! You could use a tad bit more detail. I can't wait until the next installment.

1. Rebellious teen. Go careful; this is very cliched ground. >.<
2. Love the style and great description!
3. 16ish.


Cool beginning, but part of me is looking out for the cliches that I think are coming next. Here's hoping my search will be barren, sa? ^_~
No errors that I could see, and technically sound. (Mae carnen! It's so rare that that happens.)

Muchas gracias to all three of you!

Cool beginning, but part of me is looking out for the cliches that I think are coming next. Here's hoping my search will be barren, sa? ^_~

We can only hope. Actually, I might be PMing you about that. I love being a bother.

I'm glad you all found the writing style interesting. ^^ It's somewhat of a new style for me, what with writing in 1rst person, and I'm glad it worked.

Part Two is coming soon!

- Camille xox

PS. The List: a list of people who would like to be notified (via PM) when the next part of the story is out. Is anyone interested? If you are, mention that in your reviews, please, and I'll PM everyone who is on the list when I post the next part.

I'll be intersted to get a PM when the next installment comes out.

1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?

She seems kinda like an average girl, but is actually a bit more than that. Did that make sense? ^.^;

2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?

It's fine with me.

3. How old do you think Skye is?

Around fiveteen.

1. I think that Skye seems to be a fairly rebellious teenager, but I'd hazard a guess that she's also a little bit of a geek at heart - and if that's not the impression you want, don't mention homework. Also she seems to be desperate for attention - maybe she doesn't get much at home? I'd say that her favourite subject is probably English or Art or something else creative and that she can't be bothered with most of the others.
Am I reading too much into it? Sorry if that's the case.
2. I love the style - stick with it
3. I'd put Skye at around 15/16

not even bothering to look up as she resumed her work grading the assignments my class had handed in today

There needs to some sort of break between resumed her work and grading the assignments I suggest a comma but some other form of punctuation would do.

rows of steel-gey lockers

steel-grey

"I didn't have a detention, but I stayed behind to get the work I missed while I was sick a couple days ago."

If she's her best friend then Skye will know when she was sick - so there's no need say 'a couple of days ago'.

peppering the street with tiny silver explosions as each one fell and broke in its turn.

I love this - what a great metaphor!

and crept farther away

It should be further

Anway, I'd love to be on The List Keep writing,
Bkwrm

You're not really only twelve, are you?

Anyway, I found the description quite pleasing. It flowed in a pleasant sort of way.

Skye I found slightly intriguing but I think you could improve her character. At the beginning when she is in detention I feel that you could have made the dialogue a little less predictable. Have her responses to the teacher be less 'snarly' and more infuriating. Have her mock the teacher in a more laid-back way. For, she can probably guess that her reactions will only prove the teacher right, and she would likely have more fun making the teacher as angry as she is.

My next suggestion is to make the exchange between Tanya and Skye less predictable. You could still have there be a silence, but make the silence filled with Skye's thoughts on why there is a silence. Or even have the silence begin with something besides itself. I feel like their friendship needs to be a little more developed before Tanya leaves.

The end was a little bit too cliche. Add something to it that will make it more surprising. Something as common and annoying as the guy you like going out with someone you don't like just isn't going to be very grabbing. Your writing is too good to use a silly plot like that.

Hope this helps. And good luck with the story. ^_^

Wow, I'm getting a ton of reviews! Squee!

aestar101 > added to the list.
LolitaRose > yus! I'm so glad that you think she's "an average girl, but something more than that". I tried to give that impression by having her notice the rain and stuff like that, you know?
bkwrm > thanks for the nit-picks, and thanks even more for the tips on characterization! I really appreciate it.
ChernobyllyInclined > thank-you! I'm very grateful for your suggestions -- and yes, I am really 12 years old. ^^

I luf you all for giving me such awesome critiques! I will be taking all your suggestions into account as I edit (I post a revision after every five chapters; I find that if I try to get each chapter perfect before moving on, I never get anywhere).

Cheers,
Camille The Happy Writer xx

Hey Camille, I made it after all!!

First off, I really enjoyed this and I would very much like to be on the List. I liked the way you described things, especially the weather. My personal favourites were 'rain-pregnant sky' and 'tiny silver explosions'.

Beautiful and sad.

Fine as it is, but you could say 'beautiful yet sad'.

Not in the same room where I'd spent every after-school since the first day of junior high.

'every after-school' doesn't make much sense. Perhaps 'everyday after school'?

That perfect face, pale and streaked with rain. So beautiful...

I shook my head, disgusted by my reaction, and crept further away, desperate not to be seen. I tried not to dwell on the conversation I had just heard, tried not to remember.

Eeek! While I really did like this chapter this has worried me. You aren't goint to topple into the cliche box are you?

1) Yes, some sort of teen rebel, a hard nut. I think this was put across mostly by the fact that she was in a detention.
2) I like your style of writing a lot, it's very good. Try not to over-describe things. At the moment you are fine but just make sure that you don't start to over or under describe.
3) 14

The only thing that I can really suggest that you try to improve is Skye's friends and the interaction between them. At the moment it was that part that was the weakest.

A very good start! Keep writing,

Alainna
xxxx

*boogies* I quite like this for a first chapter--it's really engaging, and I don't think I could live without reading more. A lot of people have a problem with building up action in the first part to keep interest, but you didn't. It was really cool to see!

[Unrelated:

Well, I'm not paralyzed, but I seem to be struck by you...

What song is that from? I hear it on the radio all the time, but I don't know who it is.]

1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?

She feels like a very strong-willed, "tough" character who seems rough on the outside but has some definite weak spots on the inside. Though she's cool, you'll want to be careful to not fall into the complete Teenage Rebel clichè. She can be defiant towards authority she doesn't respect, but there's bound to be a thought process behind that and, at some point, an adult she looks up to.

2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?

It's really cool--it's very artistic for your subject matter, which is refreshing. However, there were times when your brain seemed "on" or "off":

Rain sheeted down from wolf-grey clouds, peppering the street with tiny silver explosions as each one fell and broke in its turn.

Here, you can tell that you were really focusing in on description, like, 'Oh, hey, it's time for description now!' Don't worry about specific details so much--instead, focus on making sure that your description is evenly dispersed throughout the piece and not just in little nuggets.

3. How old do you think Skye is?

Probably about fourteen.

__

I really like this! Poke me when there's more up. ^_^

*glomps Sam and Alainna*

Thank you both soooo much! Great crits. ^^ I'll keep in mind what you've suggested and fix the nit-picks right away.

What song is that from? I hear it on the radio all the time, but I don't know who it is.]

It's Paralyzer by Finger 11.

----

Thanks again,
Camille xx

PS. Part two is almost ready to be posted!

Part Two is up, 'yall!

... so, um, please review. ^^

I love part two I think the MSN thing is great - and their disscussion gives you a much better idea of their friendship. Plus I'm definately going with English as Skye's favourite subject now - only English lovers would expect capitalised 'I's. I really love your writing style it's so great - such wonderful metaphors!

familiar cool edges of my Ipod

I noticed this when I was reading part one through again - it should be iPod

The house rang with an eerie silence ---- Once again, the house rang with silence. The squeak of my socked feet on the stairs seemed eerily loud, almost unnatural.

Okay, I understand that you're trying to show us that the silence doesn't really go away - but you need to find a way of telling us the same thing in different words because you are basically repeating yourself here.

"You've gotta come in now. It's bedie-by time now."

Don't repeat now - use either "You've gotta come in now. It's bedie-by time ." or "You've gotta come in. It's bedie-by time now." Personally I prefer the latter.

A soft creak: the door opening.

I think you need a semi-colon, but you might want to get a second opinion on that.

Other than that, there's not really much that I can see that's wrong with it.
PM when you've done chapter two. Keep writing,
Bkwrm