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StoweAway #5



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Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:36 pm
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BigBadBear says...



Well, I know that I just posted chapter 4 yesterday, but now I will be fully updated, for those that read it on the first post where I updated it... so... yeah.

Chapter five is going to be really long, so I will be posting the sections in THIS THREAD. When chapter five is over, I'll make a new thread for chapter 6.

Thanks all, who have been reading this!

To give you a brief summary of what chapter 4 was about:

Aly and Zek go to Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair to tell them of Lord Isaac's troops. They don't believe her of course, and Steven hits Aly, giving her a bruise. Soon enough, though, Lord Isaac's troops march into East Bristol, and Auntie Clair and Aly hide, while Uncle Steven goes out to fight. He never return for he had been taken captive. Three weeks later, Aly writes in her journal about the little news she had gotten about Uncle Steven, and tells us that Auntie Clair is pregaunt.


Journey

5

Aly entered the dining area to find Auntie Clair sitting in her old rocking chair. Zek was snoring beside her, on the rug. Her aunt was holding a handkerchief and dabbing her wrinkled face with it. The young girl froze. What happened? Why was she crying?

“Uh…” Aly muttered. Auntie Clair hesitantly glanced up from her gaze at the floor. Her eyes were red and swollen, tears slowly dripping out.

“Auntie… Auntie Clair? What’s the matter?” Aly cried and rushed to her aunt’s side. She threw her arms around her and squeezed. Although, somehow, Aly knew that her aunt was going to tell her some more new about Uncle Steven… was he dead? Had they found him?

“Aly, we need to talk, dearest…” her voice was a whisper, barely audible. Her usually beautiful, long brown hair was frayed and disarrayed. Her skin was pale and her eyes sagged.

“What’s wrong, Auntie Clair?” Aly asked. Suddenly Zek yawned, stretching her mouth wide open. This gave Auntie Clair a chance to look away from her niece for a moment. She needed to regain herself.

“It’s… it’s,” she couldn’t finish. Aly bit her bottom lip and looked at Zek. The beautiful animal seemed to understand what was going on. Zek purred softly, and Auntie Clair looked away again, sniffling and breathing heavily.

Aly reluctantly put her hand on Auntie Clair’s shoulder and she moaned. She withdrew her hand.

“We’re… we’re… we’re not going to be living here anymore, Aly. Mrs. – Mrs. Smith is going to join the group of journeymen the next time that they pass through here. And I’ve decided that we’re going to join her. I can’t stay here Aly.” Auntie Clair turned to face her shocked niece. “We are going to go to London and take a boat to America, dear.”

Aly’s mouth dropped and she stepped back. A cold chill crept up her spine. She shivered and thought, what? She suddenly decided that we were going to live in America?

Zek purred again, her eyes darting back and forth between Aly and Auntie Clair. The former could feel excitement pulsing off of her presence.

“Amer – Auntie Clair, you can’t be serious! America? Oh, goodness! That must be a thousand miles away!” Aly cried. Her eyes were wide in bewilderment.

“More than that, dearie…”

“But… but why? Why can’t we stay here in East Bristol? All of my friends are here! I don’t want to move!” Aly retorted, her face scrunching up. Zek growled at Aly’s remarks.

“Aly, we are moving because… because Steven isn’t coming home. I – I mean, he – I… Aly…” she was close to tears again.

“No! I’m not going to move! You can’t make me!” Aly shouted and Auntie Clair was startled. She jerked upright, moaned and instantly placed her hand on her stomach, where there was a slight bulge. She whimpered softly.

Aly suddenly realized what she had done. “Oh, Auntie Clair! I am so sorry!” She rushed over to her aunt who stopped her. Zek growled.

“No, Aly. Just… just go to your room. Don’t come out until supper!” she said sharply, breathing deeply with her eyes closed.

“But –”

“Aly!”

“But, Auntie Clair! Please! I need to talk to you about what’s going on!” Aly pouted, throwing her hands to her sides and her face scrunching up. Her brown hair was dangling behind her.

“Don’t use that voice with me, young lady! Now get to your room!”
“But – ” Aly retorted, but Zek interfered with another growl deep in her throat. The snow leopard sent menacing emotions to Aly and she sighed.

“We’ll talk over supper, Aly. Now get to your room.”

*

“It’s not fair!” Aly complained as she slammed the door shut. The noise reverberated down the hallway and Auntie Clair screamed at her, “Don’t slam the door!”

Zek ran to Aly’s bed and in one swift motion, she landed herself upon her blankets. She curled up and purred, trying to calm Aly down.

“It’s not fair, Zek. Nothing’s fair. She’s not my mother! She can’t tell me what to do!” Aly moaned. She buried her head into Zek’s fur. The animal licked her cheek.

Aly never really thought about her parentage. She didn’t remember who they were. It had always been Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair taking care of her. Maybe she didn’t even have parents. If she did, then they had left her. But who would do such a thing? What kind of a horrible person would leave their child in the arms of two inexperienced lovers?

My parents would… Aly thought.

She never talked about them either, to Uncle Steven, or Auntie Clair for that matter. It had never been brought up, or been important.

“Zek… I don’t want to move. All of our friends are here. What about the Rats? We can’t just leave them! They’re our best friends!” Aly whispered fiercely. Zek looked over to her.

“They’re our only friends…” Aly wiped her eyes and screamed into her pillow. She refused any images or emotions that Zek sent to her.

“Just leave me alone…”

*

“Aly, dear… wake up. It’s supper time,” Auntie Clair whispered. Aly was asleep and snoring deeply. Her aunt rubbed her back and the girl stirred.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It wasn’t my place to talk. I should’ve known that it would have caused an argument. But dear, there is nothing to talk about anymore. There is nothing for us here… or anywhere else. We need to start over. We’ll be taking that boat to America and sailing to start a new life. Your uncle isn’t coming home, Aly… I’m having trouble accepting that fact too. But it is a fact.

“Aly, dearest, please talk to me. I need to know what I can do for your cooperation.”

Aly shook Auntie Clair’s hand off of her back. The old woman sighed and placed her other hand on her belly. The baby was stirring.

“I don’t want to move,” Aly snapped, her head in her pillow. “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to! I want to live here, with my friends!”
“You’ll find new friends in America, Aly.”

“No, I won’t! No one will like me there like the Rats do.” Suddenly, Aly grimaced. She hadn’t told Auntie Clair that she had made friends with the Rats… would she even know who they were?

She didn’t seem to notice. “Aly, a lot of people from East Bristol are coming to London. Mrs. Smith and Peter are coming. You know Peter? He’s such a nice boy. I’m sure he’d be your friend.”

“I hate Peter. He’s stupid,” Aly replied. She was growing very impatient.

“Aly! Don’t talk about other people like that. That is a bad word, you know.”

“No it’s not,” Aly said, and lifted herself off of her pillow. “Stupid isn’t a bad word.”

“It is in my vocabulary. Now stop saying it and get packing.” Auntie Clair rose from Aly’s bed and walked over to her closet. She took out a dark black case and laid it on the floor. Unlocking it, she said, “Pack as many clothes as you can in here. And don’t forget to pack extra shoes.”

“I’m not going. You can go, but I’m staying here,” Aly replied, scrunching her face up again. “I don’t want to walk all that way. From here to London is such a long distance! Auntie Clair, why can’t we just stay here? Maybe… maybe Uncle Steven will – ”

“Aly, please. Just do what I say,” Auntie Clair ordered softly and held her belly as she walked out of her room.

Aly mimicked Auntie Clair, “Just do what I say!” She sighed and screamed into her pillow. Zek growled and jumped off of her bed and landed next to the case. With her nose, she scooted the case against the wall and closed it. When the job was done, Zek seemed satisfied.

“Thanks,” Aly said faintly. Her eyes were swollen red and puffy. “She can put that bag in front of me all she wants. I’m not going to bloody London.” She dug her head into her pillow and fell asleep, dreaming of the night when Uncle Steven had been taken…

*

Thanks for all who took their time to read this! Comments are well appreciated!

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:11 pm
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Aedomir says...



Hiya!

Aly mimicked Auntie Clair, “Just do what I say!”


I think that dialogue shoild be itaclized.

I really liked that chapter! Nice and quick, fast-paced and kept me interested. I couldn't see any grammar issues from what I saw. It was really good and I think this is a great story!

Tell me when more comes out this is really good and I am enjoying it loads!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  





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Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:58 pm
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JabberHut says...



Hello, 3B! Sorry I didn't have this up yesterday. It was out of reach. :red:

But here it is! :D

Zek was snoring beside her, [no comma] on the rug.


Her eyes were red and swollen, tears slowly dripping out.


Out... of what? Maybe the tears were dripping down her face or something...(I obviously am not a fan of ending sentences with out. So it's up to you!)

Although, somehow, Aly knew that her aunt was going to tell her some more news about Uncle Steven… was [Maybe just a period and capitalize was here] he dead?


I can’t stay here, Aly.”


She shivered and thought, [s]what[/s] What? She suddenly decided that we were going to live in America?


I'd put that in italics, but you probably already have it like that in the original draft. :D

[s]she[/s] She was close to tears again.


She jerked upright, moaned, and instantly placed her hand on her stomach, where there was a slight bulge.


Aly pouted, throwing her hands to her sides and her face scrunching up


I love this phrase! However, you used it already? Seemed a bit repetitive to me.

Zek growled, [s]and[/s] jumped off of her bed, and landed next to the case.


I liked this chapter. :D I wish I had more to say, except to keep going with this. Auntie Clair moans a lot. How long into pregnancy is she again? That's kind of the only thing bugging me, so..

Keep writing!

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Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:57 pm
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zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Sorry for the late review-- things have been kind of crazy at school lately.

Frankly, I can't find much to criticize in this chapter. The whole thing was very well done.

“We’ll talk over supper, Aly. Now get to your room.”

*

“It’s not fair!” Aly complained as she slammed the door shut. The noise reverberated down the hallway and Auntie Clair screamed at her, “Don’t slam the door!”

I thought that maybe the asterisk divide between these two paragraphs was a little unnecessary, since all she's done is walk down the hall or whatever... but that's a nitpick to the extreme, so feel free to ignore.

I love this story so much, can't wait to read more! ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?
  








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