Kar.ki.nos

Kar.ki.nos
A poem in three voices

Spoiler

An experiment for a sciency contest. Feel free to shred, please.

Nestled between the folds of
darkness, until the time is right
the sleeping speck - it awakens with
pincers precariously poised to strike
releasing beauty so terrible
for immortality in its epitome
not a herculean task, it relapses from
the recesses - another malignancy.
*
Have you seen the kids swing?
Tell me, how they do it.
Show me their faces, their words
can I have but one visit?
I would like to hold
the hand of a friend
who leaves me when
I see the end.
*
Drug targets, signals and human trials.
It's one after another -
tears after hope
a fight like no other.
chemicals after genes,
a battle against the body
We fight,
in hope for victory.

Spoiler

Umm.. yes, it is about cancer. And I'd appreciate your comments.

Hi Licious!

I’m here as requested! I’ve read both spoilers and think that you’re on track for a fairly subtle (although not too subtle) look at cancer in the poem. You’re not overt, which is lovely but it’s also clear that you’re talking about a degenerative disease, I think, which is what you want to go for.

Your first stanza is definitely the strongest one, as it’s the most coherent with a good hold on the rhyme scheme you’re going for. I would suggest that in the second last line you move “from” to the next line, because it’s incredibly awkward to read out loud at the moment. Otherwise I think it’s rad.

Your second stanza becomes a little more sketch on the rhyme scheme, you’re relying on similar endings in a more clear way – it was in this stanza I even picked up you were doing a rhyme. Keep in mind that I am terrible at rhyming, I couldn’t keep it up if you paid me. I might be biased in my need for rhyme to be almost invisible. Otherwise this is a thin but usable stanza which doesn’t ask too much from the reader but starts to suggest a deep loss on the part of the speaker.

The final stanza loses your rhyme scheme at the end! I was way confused and thought that an accent thing might be making me miss it, but I think you’ve just stopped the rhyme. If you’re going to have a rhyme you absolutely have to keep it consistent or it becomes kitsch and a bit icky on all parts. This is the stanza which most clearly expounds the concept of cancer, or of an illness which is to be fought. I think considering your audience (A sciencey contest indeed!) this would probably be suitable. I’d fix up the rhyme and consider adding a little more content to fill up the edges, the second and final stanzas are thin against your first. This isn’t, and doesn’t have to be, a problem it’s just something to consider.

It’s a good poem on the whole, and I hope you do well in the contest. Feel free to hit me up if you change the poem or want anything explained further, I’m way happy to help.

I will get to this later, as promised, but for now I have to get to work! But I just wanted to let you know for now that I have indeed read it and will have some thoughts for you when I get off later.

~Blue