Grey Angel Baby

Grey Angel Baby
by deadrose

ocher rivers pathe the way for
cascading tears
beauty raped of innocence
lies crumpled at my feet
welts of gold, bubble on the skin
and
carmine defects rest checkered on the tongue
these create my tortured masterpiece

he has been pillaged and abused
my once perfect muse

mostly by my own hand
alone in the grey spaciousness of
my imagination
he is all the creates color
I take again
splicing the white flesh
watching euphorically as
the blood flows
another gash
another burst of pain
resorts him to idioms
of mercy
scars blemish
showing of the knowledge
that he once
fought
back

he has been pillaged and abused
my once perfect muse

mostly by another’s hand
they gorge themselves on his
frailty
battered and numb is their
famed game
slander is the lust
that they exact upon him
he is whored,
placated,
and lied to
ripped out of any
comfortable shell
and I can not save him
no barriers
with wire
to
keep him safe

he has been pillaged and abused
my once perfect muse

no black or white purity
bathes
his fractured heart
shades of grey is all he sees

my pillaged and abused
once perfect muse

This is really good.... Really good. Great imagry. I loved it. Sorry, I suck at critiques. But this is awesome. A tad long though, and the formatting is strange. Long poems tend to turn me off but you make up for it. Awesome job.

This is gorgeous....I really, really liked it.
Like yoha I also am totally crap at critiques, but I daresay someone will do a very long critique for you at some point
The way it was worded and laid out - it was just brilliant. I had a few tiny nitpicks, such as I wasn't sure how well 'spaciousness' fitted in...part of me thinks a shorter word could have been better...
To be honest, the small criticisms I have to make seriously aren't worth it because of the overall quality, so I'll just shut up and settle for saying it was great! =D>

OK.

Firstly, I like it; it's very rich (like Christmas pudding!) and full of images, but... it's riddled with... oddities. That's not a bad thing in itself, but grammatical correctness can help now and then.

Oh yes - WHERE IS YOUR PUNCTUATION?! Words are good, yes, but you haven't used a single comma, full-stop, semi-colon, argh. ANY poem needs this; you've got to stick in breaks where people should be pausing. It's a slowish rhythm poem, so you really, really need to use them to make it look and sound right.

Now for in-depth nitpicks; comments in red.

ocher rivers pathe the way for shouldn't that be 'pave'?
cascading tears
beauty raped of innocence
lies crumpled at my feet
welts of gold, bubble on the skin
and I don't think the word 'and' needs its own line. It's not important enough. Maybe 'skin' could, say, but not this word.
carmine defects rest checkered on the tongue
these create my tortured masterpiece these two lines don't quite make sense; 'that creates' would, though - is that what you meant?

he has been pillaged and abused
my once perfect muse

mostly by my own hand
alone in the grey spaciousness of
my imagination
he is all the creates color 'all that creates color' ?
I take again
splicing the white flesh
watching euphorically as
the blood flows
another gash
another burst of pain
resorts him to idioms I don't think 'resorts' can be used in this way; 'reduces' could, I suppose.
of mercy
scars blemish
showing of the knowledge the 'of' is extra here; it confuses the sentance, and disjoints the grammar.
that he once
fought
back

he has been pillaged and abused
my once perfect muse

mostly by another’s hand
they gorge themselves on his
frailty
battered and numb is their
famed game these two lines are... dodgy - 'battered' and 'numb' don't really work well with 'is their famed game' - it's just not how you should set out a sentance.
slander is the lust
that they exact upon him
he is whored,
placated,
and lied to
ripped out of any
comfortable shell
and I can not save him
no barriers
with wire
to why the word 'to' on its own? Any other word would be better, really.
keep him safe

he has been pillaged and abused
my once perfect muse

no black or white purity
bathes
his fractured heart
shades of grey is all he sees

my pillaged and abused
once perfect muse

From this, you might get the feeling that I don't like it. Wrong! I do, quite a lot, and that's why it's well worth the effort to polish it up. I hope this helps a little; I'm some sort of grammar person, so if you want some help, drop me a PM.

Keep writing!

bgb

Told you that some thoughtful person would do this for you..... Go bob!

really awesome and powerful... one of those great poems that just leaves you speechless, takes your breath away. i love "he has been pillaged and abused, my once perfect muse," and how you repeated it throughout the poem is really well-done. like yoha ahoy said, the imagery rocks. this poem feels really genuine and like youre not holding anything back.