The City

Spoiler

[I wasn't going to post this for review, so I let someone I knew read it. He didn't like it, but he won't tell me specifically what's wrong with it. -_- So I decided to post it anyway so maybe someone with quality reviews could tell me what's wrong with it after all. That being said, this is only the introduction to what could be a new project. I've had the ideas floating around for a while, I've tried starting it a few times, but it just never seemed to materialize. There hasn't been much editing on it, and clearly it's quite short so far, but I don't want to continue if my writing is going somewhere readers don't like. :C Well, OK then. I'll shut up now. ]

The city was loud enough before the war. On its own, the city carried enough sounds, enough yelling and enough sirens. But with the war, even in the silence people still heard screaming.

It didn’t matter how many Legals paraded the streets or how many Legals paraded the streets with their guns in their hands. They could sit all the kids down in front of the government’s picture screens to make them stronger. They could tell the parents what they wanted to hear in order for them to believe they were free again. But not any of this mattered anymore. All that freedom was starting to wear off, and even with it, they could still hear the screaming. They could hear things getting worse.

As the city grew louder the people grew wearier. All the freedom they thought they felt was becoming more temporary, more fabricated.

I really liked your writing, I thought it flowed nicely and conveyed the emotion adequately. Their were a few things that were...different, and while I thought you pulled them off I could see why some people wouldn't like them.

It didn’t matter how many Legals paraded the streets or how many Legals paraded the streets with their guns in their hands. They could sit all the kids down in front of the government’s picture screens to make them stronger. They could tell the parents what they wanted to hear in order for them to believe they were free again. But not any of this mattered anymore. All that freedom was starting to wear off, and even with it, they could still hear the screaming. They could hear things getting worse.

As I go over it again I realized it's a little garbled, confusing. You've crammed a lot of ideas but not a lot of detail. Some of the sentences here were the ones I referred to as different, well this whole paragraph is kind of different.

This is another sentence that I liked, but is unusual formatting.

It didn’t matter how many Legals paraded the streets or how many Legals paraded the streets with their guns in their hands.

Also, I haven't heard a lot of the story yet, but what I have heard sounds a little cliche. But I don't think I've heard enough to give an adequate judgment, just thought I'd let you know that that's what it seamed like so far. I am banking on you giving your story some new, fresh life, though.

Sorry if this doesn't help you at all.

I thought this was really beautifully written, and for me it held a really strong meaning. Well done!

The flow worked. In fact it felt like I was reading poetry. More Images and feelings than a real narrative story, but there definitely a ton of ways you could this.

For such a short work it felt like a poetic expose' on modern life. While it was really portraying a fictional futuristic pre-apocalyptic corrupted world, it seemed as though it was really talking about how things are now (kind of like Farenheit 451 among other examples of satire). The war could represent all of the oppression that we see other people facing every day in nations with corrupt government or even with extreme idealists in the U.S. today. I am curious about these "Legals". Who are they?

The Legals sound like a police force that opresses the people more than it helps them. Or, better yet, they could be citizens like vigilantes that are trying to represent the government and take over the people of the land. Perhaps the Legals without guns are the people with political power (senators, representatives, mayors, congressmen, etc.) and the ones with guns are the ones that carry out the law (soldiers and cops). The picture screens the government inflicts upon children sounds like what television has been since it was invented. The government could control all of the news networks and stations, kind of like how news networks are biased by political parties today. The picture screens could be molding the kids' minds into what the government wants them to think.

In conclusion, the screaming and noises erupting from the streets could be the cries of those feeling the weight of government opression growing heavier on their shoulders every day. People are starting to lose their sense of freedom. So that's my say. Great job! I can't wait to read what comes out of this. Don't let anybody's bad comments prevent you from taking this to the next level. Keep up the good work!

Artemis covered it for the most part but here is my take.

spinelli wrote:[
The city was loud enough before the war.

Great opener. Eloquently sets the scene.

On its own, the city carried enough sounds, enough yelling and enough sirens. But with the war, even in the silence people still heard screaming.

This is really wordy considering how concise your opening line is. What you need to do is figure out what, if anything, needs to be said, and is said, here that is missing, or not implied in the first line. I think you will find it is all implied. Give the reader a little credit, we aren't all incapable of making a connection, we can use our imagination. We know it was a busy loud city and now its embattled, literally. So we know all the sounds and so on, that come with war. You don't need to stress it.

I wouldn't call this a story just yet. It is very short and stories can be this short but it doesn't seem to conclude. You just sort of set this dystopian theme. Your writing on the whole isn't too bad it is just a little too wordy. You need to be a little more concise and tighten it all up. You say the same thing in a few consecutive lines, when really one line would suffice. Other than that. It's not bad.

I would suggest re plotting it. Figure out exactly what you want to say it could be something complex or something bare like:

War is bad,

or

War's effects aren't always immediate

figure this out then plot the story around it.
Nice work with the writing other than that good luck

Thank you all! Baconator was right on a lot of points, which is pretty commendable considered my piece was such a short length. n_n And for the most part, I'm trying to leave out details without over-complicating it which is ultimately what I'm worried about- over-complicating it. I'm going to continue with the story, and thanks for the reviews so far!

Very nicely written. I could immediately understand the story from this few lines.

The starting paragraph was a great hook. It made me question what you meant when you said, "The city was loud enough before the war."

Then you wrote the Legals, which I assume to be some kind of army or police force, like the secret police or Worker's Parties. It was also very clear that they were in control of the people, but at the same time, it was clear that the people wanted their freedom back.

The ending was also very well written. A very nice cliffhanger. I could not really find much of an error here, perhaps I am not looking hard enough, but to me, it is a well written short story.

Awesomely written........tells a lot of things in a few words

Your story is very short for one thing, and very unclear. You describe the sound, which is good, but when I'm writing I think:
What can they smell?
What do they feel?
What can they see?
What can they hear?
Maybe they can even taste something?
Is it the reader feeling these things as if they were there?
Is it the public?
Or is it the main character?

Your first sentence isn't very intriguing which, in turn, will turn the reader away, but don't worry, the're only a few things you have to do to make this piece better.
I'll give an example on how you can make the second sentence (I like the first sentence the way it is):
"On its own, the city carried enough sounds, enough (desperate, angry, corruptive, ) yelling and enough (howling, crying, screeching, familiar, horrible, you get the idea) sirens."
Probably not the best example ^^ but I hope you get what I mean.
One more thing, who's they? I'm not sure if the reader is meant to know who they is or if it's supposed to be a mystery, but if they are supposed to know you should describe them and introduce them, I'm thinking 'they' is the general public, but