Malady

Spoiler

I wrote this last night, while feeling a bit down. (What else is new?) Anyway, I hope you like it! Any critiques, comments, edits, suggestions, or anything else is appreciated. =) *except spam* The ending, at least in my opinion, is particularly horrible... >.<

She's crying on the riverbank,
Wondering where to go.
All her dreams just sank,
With nothing left to show.

Shaken to the bone,
Trying to find a place
She can call home;
While trying to win this race.

She needs a friend,
Just one day of relief-
But it looks like the end
Of that fresh new leaf.

She wanders the broken road
Of guilt and pain.
Beaten with a goad,
Left out in the rain,

She's learned something new:
Gut-wrenching is a true word.
Wailing in the dew,
A sound never heard.

She wants to be set free
From all she has to hide.
She prays on bended knee
To feel God by her side.

And then a gentle touch;
She never felt so safe.
For with love as such,
She's no longer a waif.

Spoiler

Oh, and, of course, taking five seconds to click that little star button is always fun! Plus it gets you brownie points from the writer (and I make GOOOD brownies!)

Soooooo beautiful! :O <3333

I liked it, really nice. Almost inspirational really. There were a few times the rythem changed, but nothing too major. I would also advise that you go back and add more puncuation. You started to a little at the end, but the rest needs it too. That can help with the flow.

She prays on bended knee
To feel God by her side

And then a gentle touch
She never felt so safe

I really loved those lines! Great job!

I really did like this poem it had a good flow to it though the rhyming at times was a little rough, I liked how you transitioned into the poem. And by that I just mean your story telling and the imagery that you had. The ending did seem to fall a bit shorter than the rest of the poem just because the ending of a poem usually seems to be the best part but your ending was far from horrible. I suggest though if you want to fix the ending you'll have to go through the poem and fix the rhyming scheme or pick another word before the last line so then you can rhyme it with something else. Because I know how hard it is to find a rhyming word for a word that has no rhyming words for what your trying to say. Overall good job, I really enjoyed this!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Hello ongoeslife,

Soooooo beautiful! :O <3333

GeeLyria summed it all up in two words for me! I definitely think this was beautiful, everything about this was just magical! I liked the whole thing and I cannot see what you thought was so bad about the ending, I though it was actually quite good, but I know we all spot different things, especially in our own writing! You said you wrote this when you were feeling down and I do find that we write better when we are feeling strong feelings, whether they are good or bad, some of the best writing I've done has been when I was feeling a bit blue! Now on with the critiquing, i hope you don't feel offended by the constructive criticism, thought this was amazing.

First of all, where is the punctuation? You have this beautiful poem but there is hardly any punctuation to help it flow... I think this would be complete with punctuation. I'm afraid poetic license doesn't bend this far and it just looks a bit messy to me without all the commas, full stops and other forms of punctuation to break it up and help it make sense. Try and stick the odd full stop in this here and there, after all I can't read it all in a couple of breaths!

I think you need to add a rhyming word in the ending stanza, you have used very efficient rhyming in most of the stanzas but the last one lacks in rhythm and you should try and make the rhyming something consistent that carry's out through the entire poem. You have used amazing rhyming and it is really effective, but for the full impact you need to have it in the last stanza, so that it is perfectly balanced and the last stanza doesn't look rushed at all. The rhyming itself was amazing.

She's learned something new;
Gut-wrenching is a true word

I just wanted to say that this was my favorite part. I don't think there was any particular reason, it just stood out to me for the imagery and powerful language and i don't know, it was the kind of thing that just shone to me!

Overall this was amazing and I loved the whole poem. It felt really special and I read it over and over again. it was that amazing. Honestly I just loved this so much and if you post any more poetry I would absolutely love to read it, please post the link on my wall or PM me or something and I will be casting beady eyes over your words ( I love the word beady eyes!) Anyway, off topic, Okay so this was amazing and I want to read more, so keep writing and writing and writing and writing!

From DreamingForever

Thanks so much, ya'll! ^_^

Well, I went back and fixed the punctuation. I wrote it that way originally, but it didn't transfer from pencil to keys
If you think I still need more, or a different one where one is (a , instead of a . for example...) let me know!

snickerdooly wrote:I really did like this poem it had a good flow to it though the rhyming at times was a little rough, I liked how you transitioned into the poem. . . I suggest though if you want to fix the ending you'll have to go through the poem and fix the rhyming scheme or pick another word before the last line so then you can rhyme it with something else. Because I know how hard it is to find a rhyming word for a word that has no rhyming words for what your trying to say. Overall good job, I really enjoyed this!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Would you mind pointing out where the rhyming is rough? I can't fix it unless I know WHAT to fix I'll consider that for the ending, though. Thanks for suggesting that! ^_^ And all the lovely stuff in between was very lovely

DreamingForever wrote:Hello ongoeslife,

First of all, where is the punctuation? You have this beautiful poem but there is hardly any punctuation to help it flow... I think this would be complete with punctuation. I'm afraid poetic license doesn't bend this far and it just looks a bit messy to me without all the commas, full stops and other forms of punctuation to break it up and help it make sense. Try and stick the odd full stop in this here and there, after all I can't read it all in a couple of breaths! Fixed that now =)

I think you need to add a rhyming word in the ending stanza, I thought I did have rhyme there....? o_O

And then a gentle touch,
She never felt so safe.
With love as such,
She's no longer a wretched waif.

Touch, Such; Safe, Waif? you have used very efficient rhyming in most of the stanzas but the last one lacks in rhythm and you should try and make the rhyming something consistent that carry's out through the entire poem. You have used amazing rhyming and it is really effective, but for the full impact you need to have it in the last stanza, so that it is perfectly balanced and the last stanza doesn't look rushed at all. The rhyming itself was amazing.

She's learned something new;
Gut-wrenching is a true word

I just wanted to say that this was my favorite part. I don't think there was any particular reason, it just stood out to me for the imagery and powerful language and i don't know, it was the kind of thing that just shone to me!

Overall this was amazing and I loved the whole poem. It felt really special and I read it over and over again. it was that amazing. Honestly I just loved this so much and if you post any more poetry I would absolutely love to read it, please post the link on my wall or PM me or something and I will be casting beady eyes over your words ( I love the word beady eyes!) Anyway, off topic, Okay so this was amazing and I want to read more, so keep writing and writing and writing and writing!

From DreamingForever

Thank you, too, for the lovely stuff! ^_^

~The Scratt

Hey hon! Just a warning: I'll probably end up making this review... long. I didn't read what your previous reviewers wrote, so I run the risk of repeating what they've said, but here goes!

First stanza - Ooh. This beginning doesn't really... pull me in. You know? Maybe if you even added a pronoun, like - "She's crying on the riverbank" it would create a better flow. What I noticed first of all is that the rhythm seems a bit blocky: Between the first and second lines, you seem to be struggling to meet the rhythmic quantity, and it rolls around in the reader's mouth, unstable. Perhaps change the full stop after "go" to a colon, remove the comma after "sank", and maybe add something else into the third line like "She's shaking," (comma included) or the like? I don't know, that's just my first fix for the instability in my mind.

Second stanza - My nitpicks might be that after "home", you could turn that semicolon into a comma and add a "She's" onto the last line to even things out. Other than that, it seems pretty awesome to me. <3

Third stanza - oh no. This stanza violates my one big rule, which is: Never start a sentence with a conjunction unless you can really handle it. That one "but" just created an explosion in the poem for me. D= What I'd say is just edit the full stop after "relief" to a comma and run the sentence on for the sake of correctness and me being a stickler. It would also make the stanza flow better, instead of grinding it to a halt in the middle.

Fourth stanza - what I'd say is end this stanza with a semicolon or a comma to create a solidified feeling but still lead on to the next stanza. That is all. xD This one was actually pretty awesome and may end up my favourite stanza of the lot.

Fifth stanza - Semicolon semicolon semicolon. Can that change to a colon? It would make the relationship between the ideas clearer, and instead of making the readers wait for it, you can give it to them on a silver platter because readers deserve to be pampered. *cough* Or, you know, they need ease to read between the lines. Maybe end the stanza with "It's a sound never heard" instead, end with a full stop? That way you wouldn't leave your readers hanging on to your every single word of the next stanza for the rest of that eternity that the break between stanzas can be.

Sixth stanza - no comma after "knee", but that's about it. Maybe (maybe) edit the full stop to a semicolon to fit the stanza together better, again, just for the sake of flow. It's a little disconcerting to stop reading in the middle of a four-line stanza.

Seventh stanza - I actually like how you started this with a conjunction. (It's rare for that.) Maybe end the first line with a colon or a semicolon, since the first line is an implied independent clause that the readers can get on their own (hopefully). Again, you stop in the middle of the stanza, and in the last two lines your rhythm gets blocky again. Maybe "With love as such this is,/She's no longer a waif" or the like to even out the lines?

Well, that's all I have in the way of nitpicks. Overall, the poem was nice. A little weak structure- and word-choice-wise, but it has potential to grow stronger, and so do you, hon. I'd rate it "good". Not "beautiful", but good nonetheless.

How's that? *Sorry it took so long to get back to you! D=*