A Starving Sensation

Hi there!

Okay, so it's been like, two weeks since I've last reviewed, so this may be a little -erm- raw, if you get what I mean.

Pointers:

Okay, so, at some places you haven't got any puntuations. Usually, they aren't needed after every line, espically if the next line flows well on its own without it. But you haven't got puntuations in places you need them. Red tells you where, and blue tells you where I think an extra word should be.

xhellysmx wrote:

I find it hard to breathe,
These thoughts that torture me by day;
And nightmares poison that me by night.
But I can’t seem to recall;
Am I still beside you?

As I watch the clouds turn to black, Personally, I don't think 'to' should be there.
I find myself stranded in darkness.
Then a tragic surprise halts my lungs,
I remember it so well then,
Your skin so cold beneath my touch.

My own thoughts draw blood, I find that part very usual. I may be wrong, but it doesn't seem to fit in.
Everywhere I can’t escape you.
I can’t shake the fear of your extinction,
‘Cause I could still smell your presence; 'Could'? I thought it was going in present tense. Can, perhaps?
Of your dripping blood and glowing skin.

It hurts to breathe,
I can’t forget even if I close my eyes.
I see your face and feel the pain
Across my head, it’s still bleeding
The moment you said, “We’re dead”.

I step into my senses now
To shatter all my darkness;
And to find some control,
Starve myself from your sensation
But you’re still whispering to me
So I’ll never forget.

So, yeah. There were parts - espically the beginning - where it went a little off, and some words didn't really fit in. If you're willing to make these changes, let me know, and I can take another look at what I missed.

This was really nice, actually. I liked your plot and where you were going with it. It was different, and really good. You should really write more poems!

I hope this helped!

-TwistedM.

Hey! That was a very helpful review. I will inform you if I make any changes, but I'll stick to this for a moment. I wanted to get more reviews/helps for this.

And yeah about the punctuation,I haven't really mastered it yet. It's been tough for me I don't know. haha. Do you have any good web site or anything I can learn from?

http://owl.english.purdue.edu

That's my favorite site for everything English grammar-related, and it also has information on how to cite sources and such.

That said, TwistedMuffins already covered the punctuation, so I'll just comment on the poem overall.

I felt that the language you used was a bit common and simplistic, to the point where it was vague and bland. The vagueness in particular wound up making the last two stanzas a bit of a muddle, and not in the good way. Honestly, this poem didn't interest me enough for me to even bother to try to figure out what is happening in the last two stanzas, and this lack of interest had a lot to do with the language.

Rather than rely on common adjectives, instead, try and use more precise, vivid vocabulary, but not so much that you send your reader running for a dictionary all the time. Playing around with how you phrase and describe things will add more uniqueness and memorability to your poetry (and writing in general).

One last thing: I'm wondering why you centered this poem. As far as I can see, it doesn't contribute anything to the poem itself, except make it look a little neater. I think, however, if the poem were normally aligned, the jaggedness of the lines would help reinforce the broken tone you seemed to be aiming for.