The Test

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My entire life had literally come down to this moment. I felt the examiners eyes follow my every movement. I was certain they could see the slight shaking of my hands. I turned to face them. The light of the setting sun illuminated their faces, their robes flapped weakly in the breeze.

Tension flared inside me briefly, but I shoved it out of my mind as I tried to relax. I bowed to the examiners.
"You may begin when you are ready," the lead examiner said. I turned to face the edge of the cliff. A series of narrow wooden planks led to a small column several meters away from the cliff. Two other columns seperated the cliff from the far column.

I glanced off to the side. A large group of people had come to watch the trials. I tried to look for my parents, but the group was too large and too far to distinguish any face. I turned back to the planks. Did they suddenly become longer and narrower? I felt fearful, but I knew not why. I took my first step.

Wind blasted into me from below, as the air flew up the cliff in a fury. I felt my robes flying everywhere, making it hard to stay balanced. I felt the board vibrate terribly, my eyes went wide as I felt it give a little. I took another step and then another.

I felt the wood starting to give more. I didn't even think, I just ran. The board split in half just as I jumped for the first column. I landed on my belly. Below me, the wood splintered against the rocks. A shiver radiated through my loins as I felt myself despairing. That board was my only chance at getting back. I turned back to glance at the examiners to see if they were getting a replacement board. They hadn't moved, they just stared at me. I felt panic stirring inside of me. I was all alone and no one was going to help me.

It hit me very suddenly. "They want you to finish the test," a voice said inside me. I turned to look at the second column. It was about 10 meters away. I took a step onto the plank. The wind rushed up to meet me again. This time though, I was prepared. I stood and walked. One step, two, four steps. Then I came to a stop. A large gap seperated two of the boards. It was at least 66 centimeters across. I looked down at the waves and I froze. It was a small gap, less than a stride, but I would have to stretch my leg an awful long time.

I looked at the sun. It was slowly descending. I didn't have much time. I looked at the gap, then the board. It might kill me, but it would be doing something.
"Screw it all," I declared, I stretched my leg out over the other board, and leaned forward. I crossed the gap with surprising ease. I turned to make sure I had crossed the gap. It was still there, looking like nothing. I also looked back at the examiners, but a fresh breeze hammered me. I walked the rest of the way to the second column.

The skys had darkened since I had started the test. I had barely started walking towards the final column when the full force of a storm hit me. Sheets of rain hit me at gale force speeds. I got down to my hands and knees and crawled. My over-robe flew off, leaving me exposed to the rain. The wind shrieked past my ears as the sea crashed louder and louder against the final column.

I crawled the entire way to the third column, it was significantly wider and taller that the others. A granite rock face ascended up 10 meters. Rain poured down it. I looked up towards the top. I had come this far and I couldn't turn back now. I moved my hand against the rock and felt a handhold. I grabbed it and pulled myself up. My legs flailed about, until they found a foothold. I examined the rock now. It was fairly flat, but there were bulges I could take advantage of. I began to climb up, slowly.

Rain made the rock slippery, while wind conspired to keep me off balance, as I got closer to the top. I was about halfway up when a handhold gave way. I slipped and began to fall. I slid down the rock, scraping my right arm and legs badly. I whimpered in pain before looking at the rock in anger. I started up again, but slipped immediately. Blood trickled slowly down my arm. I calmed myself, one couldn't climb a rock like this quickly. I slowly and carefully began climbing.

I climbed past my first handhold, upward towards my nasty slip. I pushed up farther. The path got easier, footholds and handholds become more apparent. I crawled onto the top, weary from the ascent. I saw a small plaque to my right, but the rain prevented me from reading it. I walked closer and read it.
"Don't search for yourself in others, search for others in yourself," the inscription read. I remembered the quote, vaguely.
"Don't search for yourself in others, search for others in yourself," I repeated to myself. I suddenly remembered the rest.
"Once you have found others in yourself, remove them from yourself, and then you will see yourself," I said triumphantly.

I stayed the night on the rock. I had thought of my life, analyzed it several times over, but I felt no change. I fell asleep, despite the storm. I dreamed a long dream that night. I saw many things, but I felt no change, until I felt another presence. It had come lightly, almost by accident, but in that one instant, everything changed. This presence was my true love, the presence was nothing short of holy. At that moment a light had emerged inside of me, one that nothing could stop. Love exploded into existance, filling a space that had been empty. It erupted inside me with the power of a thousand suns, pouring out of me like a cup being overfilled.

At that moment, all the lessons from my life unified into one single purpose.

When I woke up the next morning, it was calm and quiet. I climbed down the granite, walked back across the gap, and walked across a new plank. The examiners met me.
"Did you pass?" the Lead Examiner asked.
Last edited by Griffinkeeper on Thu Dec 22, 2005 6:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Griffinkeeper wrote:My entire life had literally come down to this moment. I felt the examiners eyes follow my every movement of my body.


That last sentence is a bit awkward,
how about 'I felt the examiners eyes follow my every movement'

I felt tension flaring up inside of me, but I shoved it aside as I tried to relax. I bowed to the examiners.
"You may begin when you are ready," the lead examiner said.


You've reptead the 'I felt' part again...
'I could feel the tension flaring up inside of me, but I dertermined to relax, so I pushed it aside' puts it more in context......?

I turned to face the edge of the cliff. A series of narrow wooden planks led to a small column several meters away from the cliff. Two other columns seperated the cliff from the far column.


Now that, does not give me any real idea of what it looks like. Sure, it says there are columns, but what about the valley below, or a bit more graphic description might be nice...or it just sounds like a walk in the park

I glanced off to the side. A large group of people had come to watch the trials. I tried to look for my parents, but the group was too large and too far to distinguish any face. I turned back to the planks. Did they suddenly become longer and narrower? I felt fearful, but I knew not why. I took my first step.


Here you mention the goup of people, but in the rest of the story, they are not mentioned...maybe you could hear them talking amongst themselves, etc during your walk

'I tried to look for my parents, but the group was too large and too far away to distinguish any faces'

Wind blasted into me from below, as the air flew up the cliff in a fury. I felt my robes flying everywhere, making it hard to stay balanced. I felt the board vibrate terribly, my eyes went wide as I felt it give a little. I took another step and then another.


'Wind blasted at me from below, as the air flowed up the cliff in a fury of sound and turbulence'
Thats just a suggestion of how you could structure that sentance a bit more

'My eyes were wide'

I landed on my belly. Below me, the wood splintered against the rocks. A shiver radiated through my loins as I felt myself despairing. That board was my only chance at getting back.


Landing on your belly would knock the breath out of you...so how about mentioning

'I gasped for breath, as below me the wood splintered against the rocks.'

I turned back to glance at the examiners to see if they were getting a replacement board. They hadn't moved, they just stared at me. I felt panic stirring inside of me. I was all alone and no one was going to help me.


'I looked back' is a better description
'They just stared unmovingly at me' sort of brings it together more

It hit me very suddenly. "They want you to finish the test," a voice said inside me. I turned to look at the second column. It was about 10 meters away. I took a step onto the plank. The wind rushed up to meet me again. This time though, I was prepared.


So the wind died down, and now its coming back? ok....

I stood and walked. One step, two, four steps. Then I came to a stop. A large gap seperated two of the boards. It was at least 66 centimeters across. I looked down at the waves and I froze. It was a small gap, less than a stride, but I would have to stretch my leg an awful long time.


Why 66 centimeters?
'It was a small gap, less than a stride, but I would have to stretch my leg for what would seem like an awfully long time'

The skys had darkened since I had started the test. I had barely started walking towards the final column when the full force of a storm hit me. Sheets of rain hit me at gale force speeds. I got down to my hands and knees and crawled. My over-robe flew off, leaving me exposed to the rain. The wind shrieked past my ears as the sea crashed louder and louder against the final column.


The sea? I never noticed anything saying it was over the sea!? It gives a better picture though

Rain made the rock slippery, while wind conspired to keep me off balance, as I got closer to the top. I was about halfway up when a handhold gave way. I slipped and began to fall. I slid down the rock, scraping my right arm and legs badly. I whimpered in pain before looking at the rock in anger. I started up again, but slipped immediately. Blood trickled slowly down my arm. I calmed myself, one couldn't climb a rock like this quickly. I slowly and carefully began climbing.


What does he fall on to? A ledge, or the board?

I stayed the night on the rock. I had thought of my life, analyzed it several times over, but I felt no change. I fell asleep, despite the storm. I dreamed a long dream that night. I saw many things, but I felt no change, until I felt another presence. It had come lightly, almost by accident, but in that one instant, everything changed. This presence was my true love, the presence was nothing short of holy. At that moment a light had emerged inside of me, one that nothing could stop. Love exploded into existance, filling a space that had been empty. It erupted inside me with the power of a thousand suns, pouring out of me like a cup being overfilled.


'I thought of my life' not 'had thought' as it sounds like he's speaking in past tense....

At that moment, all the lessons from my life unified into one single purpose.

When I woke up the next morning, it was calm and quiet. I climbed down the granite, walked back across the gap, and walked across a new plank. The examiners met me.
"Did you pass?" the Lead Examiner asked.



Well, this was an interesting story, but nothing in it really gripped me. Apart from the storm, the descriptions were rather bland, and there isn't any idea of what this test is for, etc, and I'm trying to work out if its some fantasy thing...
I don't like the constant '1 metre, '10 meters', etc, it gets annoying, as you wouldn't be thinking in measurement really, in a life-or-death situation...? You're not really meant to use numbers either...(as someone else will probably say)

Is this going to be continued? I hope my critique helped, but you don't have to agree with it. I liked the idea of the plaque at the top of the climb...that was about the only interesting bit...

Anyway, keep trying :wink:




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hmmm. For the most part i agree with Boni_bee except for her critique of:
I turned back to glance at the examiners to see if they were getting a replacement board. They hadn't moved, they just stared at me. I felt panic stirring inside of me. I was all alone and no one was going to help me.


this i think captures the moment perfectly. Dont change it its good.
As to the story itself...it was okay i guess, however it would be better if u clarified for us all why the test needed to be passed and more importantly the purpose of it.[/code]
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Boni Bee, thanks for the helpful grammar/word choice. If it didn't turn out good, it was because I was writing between 10:00PM and 1:00 AM local time.

As for why the test needed to be passed and the purpose of the test, I claim artistic privilage. If you know what the test is, then, I claim, you will know it's significance and why it needs to be passed. When I go through it, I will try to make it more apparent, but spelling it out would just make the story worse.

I have no plans for continuation because this is a short story. Everything you need is there.
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Very interesting Griffin, I especially liked the quote and the narrators answer to it. I think Boni_Bee and Jigsaw got all the grammatical errors. I have to agree with Jigsaw though on the part about 'no one helping'. I think this is a great launching pad, for something even better. Looking forward to a second edit.

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You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.

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