Silver Bells

Hey everyone! Dogs here with my newest poem. Yeah yeah i know it's a little dark for taking some lines from a christmas song... but i like it! Anyways this one of two poems where i don't focus on painting an image in the readers head and try to base it off of a noise instead. Well do enjoy! I know this piece still has a lot of room for improvement, thanks everyone!

Ding... Dong,
Ding... Dong.

Hear all these bells,
those sweet silver bells,
that all sound the same.
We've found someone to blame.

Ding, Dong, and Dong,
Dong is their song.
Hear it everywhere,
filling the air.

On, on they bring,
on the bells ring.
He once was a king,
on we all sing.

To the platform he steps,
taking his long trek
to his definite death.
Staring at his cold breath.

Now we fasten the noose,
he begs us "set me him loose".
Hear this sad song,
Ding, Dong and Dong.

"Oh how the pound,
raising their sound.
Over hill and dale,
telling their tale."

A short drop,
and a sudden stop.
Watch his body swing,
oh once he was a king.

Hear the bells ring,
forever they will sing.
"on, on the send,
on without end,"

their deathly tone,
to every home.
Ding... Dong,
Ding... Dong.



TuckEr EllsworTh

Oooh.... I really liked this! Just a few things.

Ding... Dong,
Ding... Dong.

Hear all these bells,
those sweet silver bells,
that all sound the same.
We've found someone to blame.

I just LOVE that opening! I can hear those bells chiming in my head and sense a slight foreboding in their tone.

Ding, Dong, and Dong,
Dong is their song.
Hear it everywhere,
filling the air.

It reads almost like a song, but something about this verse doesn't flow right. I feel like it needs more syllables near the end, but that might just be me. Or maybe it's the rhyme scheme. I think continuing with the 'ong' rhyme would flow better.

On, on they bring,
on the bells ring.
He once was a king,
on we all sing.

I like this one. Flows nicely.

Up to the platform he steps,
taking his long trek
to his definite death.
Staring at his cold breath.

Now we fasten the noose,
he begs us to set him loose.
Hear this sad song,
Ding, Dong and Dong.

I love that. It's so dark and forboding and chilling. Love it. One thing though, "he begs us to set him loose" doesn't fit right. There should be less syllables. Maybe if you added a little dialogue 'he begs us, "set me loose!"'

"Oh how they pound,
raising their sound.
Over hill and dale,
telling their tale."

A short drop,
and a sudden stop.
Watch his body swing,
oh once he was a king.

Now, these verses were very well done! They flows perfectly and leaves the reader with a nice creepy feeling.

Hear the bells ring,
forever they will sing.
"on, on the send,
on without end,"

Not sure what you mean. Did you mean "On, on they send"?

their deathly tone,
to every home.
Ding... Dong,
Ding... Dong.

Great ending! Nothing I would change here.

Overall, I liked it quite a bit. A few small breaks in the flow, but overall, really, really well done! Reminded me almost of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Bells" which happens to be my favourite poem.

Keep writing!
-Greena

Okay, ummm, WOW! Lol, this is amazing, it's so eerie and just totally fascinating. I particularly loved the juxtaposition of these two lines:
"Watch his body swing,
oh once he was a king."

Also,
"Hear all these bells,
those sweet silver bells,
that all sound the same.
We've found someone to blame."
This stanza felt so honest and sad.

I simply loved it. I read it once then re-read out loud because it just felt like it should be read out loud. Really, one of the best poems I've read on YWS.

P.S. Sorry for the lack of constuctive critiscism, I just have nothing bad to say

Haha thanks everyone! I took your word Greena for that one line and you're right, it flows a lot better. Thanks so much for the great comments everyone!!!!!