I love you too

So, I've never tried anything like this before, and honestly I didn't even spend 20 minutes trying to throw this together (I haven't the attention span). I've never even attempted this style of writing before, but I'm a big fan of Ellen Hopkins and I was curious as to if I could write like that or not.
The poem is meant to be read two different ways, first, all together. Second, just the left side, and then lastly, just the right side. It doesn't really matter, since this one isn't too in depth, but it is possible. I had to put the underscores because YWS removes the spaces if you put a bunch of them, and I didn't know any other way to do it.
Again, this is my first attempt, so be nice please .
Also, if anyone has any ideas on how to punctuate this piece, I'd be greatly appreciative....I played with it for a while, but couldn't get it to work for both sides. Any ideas anyone?



He came one night

____________________________________He wanted to play

He took me up in his arms

____________________________________In complete darkness

And I didn’t know what to say

____________________________________I couldn’t say no

When he moved my head to look into

____________________________________To those eyes

His sharp, comforting eyes

____________________________________But eyes are liars

So soft and gorgeous, so welcoming

____________________________________I saw what I wanted to see.

As he drew me towards him

____________________________________I was so briefly happy....

And I gave him my most precious secrets

____________________________________I feel as though he stole from me....

And once he was through,

____________________________________Then they turned dark

He looked at me

____________________________________And I know he lied.

“I love you” mumbled softly

____________________________________That boy, he lied to me.

Then, a sweet caress

____________________________________I can’t tell him that I know,

I tell him I love him back

____________________________________Because I am afraid

And then, I don’t know what to say.

____________________________________I feel broken,

He leaves, promising to be back

____________________________________I feel used,

He tells me he loves me one last time,

____________________________________And I never saw him again.

____________My whisper fades away “I love you too....”___________

The format sort of confused my eyes, but that's just me. It's not bad for a first attempt at this type of poem. I'm not really one for love poems, so I'm not sure how to review them, but this one is sweet.
Practice makes perfect. The format is interesting and certainly different. I feel like there should be more of a space between lines though.

Keep writing!
-Greena

I thought this was a really cool way to write a poem. It's fun to read, too! I don't think it needs punctuation, since you can read it so many ways. One thing that bugged me was you transitioned very quickly from when he came that night into when he left. These are the things I noticed:

He came one night

____________________________________He wanted to play

He took me up in his arms

____________________________________In complete darkness

And I didn’t know what to say

____________________________________I couldn’t say no

When he moved my head to look into

____________________________________To those eyes

His warm, big brown eyes This sentence feels out of place. Sort of childish. Try to use better distcriptive words.

____________________________________But eyes are liars

So soft and gorgeous, so welcoming

____________________________________I saw what I wanted to see.

And once he was through, (See what I mean about rushing this part. I wanted at least one more sentence.)

____________________________________Then they turned dark

He looked at me

____________________________________And I know he lied. (Your tenses are mixed up. Did you want if to be 'And I know he had lied" ?)

“I love you” mumbled softly

____________________________________That boy, he lies to me. I think it should be 'lied'.

Then, a sweet caress

____________________________________I can’t tell him that I know,

I tell him I love him back

____________________________________Because I am afraid

And then, I don’t know what to say.

____________________________________I feel broken,

He leaves, promising to be back

____________________________________I feel used,

He tells me he loves me one last time,

____________________________________And then I never see him again. (Again, I think it should be 'saw'.)

My whisper fades away “I love you too…..”

I like that you ended it that way. A couple things to consider: Could you expand on why you never saw him again? Did he just disappear? I really enjoyed this poem. Thanks for sharing!

I really liked this. I thought it was fun to read, even if it did take a moment to get used to. I really like how the left side could be taken as though everything that's happening is a good thing, but the right side makes it seem awful, and when you read them together it seems like the person is torn, if that makes any sense.
I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already. Great job!
Keep going and good luck!