*Topic removed*

I`ve removed this topic, as I realize this is not the correct category for this poem.

I loved it! One of my favourite poems! It was easy to keep hooked on, well wriiten and had good describing words. The only thing was that it didn't rhyme but not all poems have to I just find it more interesting if they do! 9.8/10

I loved it! One of my favourite poems! It was easy to keep hooked on, well wriiten and had good describing words. The only thing was that it didn't rhyme but not all poems have to I just find it more interesting if they do! 9.8/10

Hi GoaGreena,
I liked this. In poetry there is the concept and the delivery. The best poets combine both to create something deeply effective for the reader, but for most growing poets there is a lag in development in one or the other (or both) that holds them back. I am strongly inclined toward strong concepts, so I will take a poorly executed poem with a great idea over a well executed one with a bland idea any day. Your execution is by no means poor, but it doesn't quite live up to the fantastic concept you have here, so that will be the focus of my points.

You start with the image of sand slipping through fingers, which is the basis for the metaphor this poem is built upon. However, that image is incredibly common, which dulls the impact. This leaves you two choices:
1. Present the sand slipping through fingers in a way that is so unique and fresh that no one will care that it's an overused image.
Or
2. Alter the image to be unique. Right now it's not bad, it's just kind of bland, because I've seen the kid pouring sand through his hands and reflecting on life many times before.

Your second stanza is a pretty big jump in imagery from the other sections. It's ok to have wide-ranging imagery, but it will be more effective if you transition it in more smoothly and make it connect to everything else that is going on.

My other big comment is to keep your ideas rooted. Example:

pouring steadily into the water,
the abyss that I created
and the one I must destroy.

I can tell that you have something in your head, and you're making an attempt at communicating it to me, but there isn't quite enough to work with. Don't be afraid to offer your reader some more explanation of what is going on so that they can appreciate the full depth of what you're trying to communicate. What is the abyss? How did you create it? Why do you have to destroy it? You don't have to be blunt and state your intentions outright, but give the reader something concrete that they can work off of.

Overall, this was an intriguing poem, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do as you continue to refine your skills. Good work.

Cheers,
Shade

I read it. Here lies a spontaneous criticism of your "dramatic poem":

Through my fingers, Good opener
down and down. Flow contrivance- had you been in a dramatic sate, you wouldn't have cried "down and down." One "down" is enough, despite the way it would jack up the flow.
Slipping, falling, Descriptive, good. You won't compromise on flow, will you? It's that valuable?
every grain of sand,
every little life,
every heart calling,
screaming, Haha, sand "screaming." It gives me a cartoonish line of thought.
hoping
for salvation. Christian or agnostic? Religious folk will perk their ears at your play on salvation. Though, theologically, most would assert that God doesn't view human lives as "grains of sand." IDK
But I cannot save them. Ooh, playing God?

Into the depths of fire, Here we go!
past the raging waves. Waves of... Hell? Dude, I'm getting nothing here.
Wild animals
tearing limb(s) from limb (body) , When was the last time you saw a wild animal do this- tear an arm from an arm?
blood and gore,
pain and brutality.
They scream, Who screams? Again, with my cartoonish line of thought.
they cry,
they pray. The Christians pray or the wild animals?
I cannot help. Woah, woah, stop right there. God cannot help?

And they loose their faith,
turn their backs
as they slip from my fingers
into the cold abyss below.
I try to bring them back,
I try to make my love more clear,
but everyone must die. Awesome, awesome stanza. Best one yet!

To the ailing four month baby
of the formerly happy couple,
to the man falsely accused
taking his last breath in jail,
I am sorry
but what must be done,
must be done. Good again... you save the best for last.

And every golden grain of sand
slips away (omitt "away") from my grasp,
pouring steadily into the water, Personally, I would omitt "steadily" and "the", just to add some more flavor to this line.
the abyss that I created
and the one I must destroy.

I wish you all knew
how much I really care.
But everyone must die. Meh, the nihilistic flourish of your play on God gets a little repetitive near the end. I'd even say, "But everyone must end somewhere." Your choice, though.

Obviously, I made the assumption quite early that the teller was God. If I'm wrong, then- well, eyes of the beholder, you know?

Overall, it's pretty good! I liked the way you stuck to your flow. It's something I'd love to do but often lose in the moment. This poem is the ultimate antithesis of itself: organized and refreshing; straightforward and artistic.

Keep Writing!

Not the Christian God.
Not by any means.
This poem was about life and death. The tie between the two and the 'god' who must set each in motion.

I realize, though this was probably not the best site for reviews on this poem, it's a little... strange.