A Story of a Ship and its Sailor

On that event of gloom, when darkness set in,
A vicious gang of pirates came over and conquered her ship.

She could neither fight nor defend as they snatched and looted her ship,
And tied her in the corner and scared her with a whip.

She screamed and struggled but no one came to help,
Those big and burly pirates sneered at her as she wept.

She watched with tears as they took away all that she had.
She begged and pleaded but only to be laughed at.

Finally after robbing away all that they could,
The pirates took leave, and left her there to brood.

The piteous sight of her empty ship sent shivers down her spine.
But, she promised herself, as she got to her feet, never to weep and whine.

Though she was lone and desolate now, she knew it well-
That deep within her lies a rod which she won’t, ever, let bend.

True, she did feel she’s tired of being strong,
Yet, she sailed her ship and kept moving on.

Wow.
I mean... just wow.
That's a very powerful poem you've written there and I absolutely love it. It has an excellent message told in verse, although honestly I couldn't catch the pattern in the beginning. If you try to work on making the whole thing rhyme, that would be great
So.. that's all ,I guess. Write on! I can't wait to read another poem of yours
Cheers,
Alpha

I REALLY LIKED THE POEM. IT WAS VERY MEANINGFUL AND IT WAS JUST PRECISE. IT WAS NEITHER TOO SHORT OR TOO LONG AND I LIKED IT THAT YOU COULD EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS WITH SUCH SIMPLICITY. WELL, OVERALL EVERYTHING WAS OK I GUESS. KEEP WRITING. JA-NE!!

Wow!

Hi there Anwesha! You've done an amazing job with this poem. I love it. And it's funny that it could easily be like some sort of hidden message covered up with a tale. It was entertaining and it flows great and I simply loved it. Great, great job! I admire you.

Though, there's something in the second stanza, I'd change the 'scared' for another word. It seems kind of simple in this amazing poem, I'd use terrified or something like that... I don't know, look for its antonyms. But this is awesome!!

Keep writing!

~Solly<3

Heya!

The message in this was a good one. However, I think the poem itself could be, and should be, polished a bit more. First thing, your rhyme scheme. The first stanza didn't rhyme at all, the second one rhymed clearly, third one sort of, fourth one... nope. Either choose to rhyme them all, or drop it completely. Now it just seems half-assed and clunky. This brings the reader away from the message you're clearly trying to dish out with the poem, which most probably isn't what you have in mind.

I've got a few pointers concerning word choice and such.

On that event of gloom, when darkness set in,
A vicious gang of pirates came over and conquered her ship.

The second line is a bit too wordy, don't you think? It's too much of a mouthful, which is especially bad as it's in the beginning, where you should build up the rhythm. Here it's all over the place.

She could neither fight nor defend as they snatched and looted her ship,
And tied her in the corner and scared her with a whip.

Cut out the bolded 'and'. The repetition of 'and' here isn't working.

She watched with tears as they took away all that she had.
She begged and pleaded but only to be laughed at.

The second line here is awkward after the flow of the first one. I found myself stumbling all over everything after 'pleaded', because I had to re-configurate the whole flow in my head. Not really what you want to do in the middle of a poem.

The pirates took leave, and left her there to brood.

Using 'brood' here brings into mind a sulky ten year old whose parents had denied her the right to stay up until 12 o'clock. I get that you were trying to rhyme 'could', but forcing a rhyme is worse than not having a rhyme at all.
-----

Now that may all sound harsh and what-not, but the reason I'm pointing these things out is that I think you could make something better out of this. You've a good idea here, just expand upon it and relay it as it should be relayed.

If you've any questions or are in need of clarification, feel free to PM me.

Happy writings!
|Life|

Hi Anwesha!

I really like this poem. It's a story of strength and perseverance and moving on despite whatever hardship life may bring. A beautiful message interwoven in a fine tale. However, that being said, there could have been a few areas where you could juice it up a bit. Read through the entire piece again and again. Find the places where you think could sound smoother. Keep practicing and your poem will be better than it already is!
A great piece and with the incentive of a moral as well. Nice job.


Murtuza