The Complications of Living

Spoiler

This is pretty much all stuff with references to my life. I wanted to write something depressing to prove to my friend that I could, but I couldn't do it without being horribly cliche. So... this is more thoughtful and serious than depressing, really.

Umm... I don't want to explain everything, but the stanzas labeled I and II are talking to different people.

I. I am mad to unleash my throat,
to tilt my head to dusty skies and dying moons
and surrender my breath
because I have not the fear to keep it myself.

And would I not want to hand it over to you,
my searing dear? and your endless hold,
which has left me dangling from cliffs –
ankles raw and leading blood to my eyes
which can (at least) still see because of you?
Thank you?

II. All I am is black ashes
consumed in a concentrated orbit
and all I want is to stay that way,
biting for each time I have bitten and
attempting to love no matter what.

Can’t you hear the sickening pulse
and crack, of each thought-cursed splinter
of bones void of marrow? Of life?
Will you ever see that I am
neither angel nor siren? Nor beautiful, nor worthy?
I am but shattered glass, scarring all who touch me.

I. Score me in the flames, dear God!
Make me harmless and reachable!
And stain me with color – infuse me
with the Blaze that shines, from inside out.

Craft my heart of interwoven threads,
ties like red strings around two pinkie fingers,
but better – gold! to hold light and refuse all else.

Give my voice songs and not sounds,
for I have not the mind to match them
nor the words on my own.
Can’t I speak underwater? Can’t I hear?

II. Don't drown yourself, my friend,
why do you hesitate to swim? You know how,
and if you didn’t, you know the resolve to hold on.
It is not a sin to accept an extended hand, far from it!
Does that even matter to you?

I. I am mad to unleash my throat,
to tilt my head down to clear dew and crying ire,
and surrender my breath
because I have not the fear to keep it myself.

One word... WOW
keep it up mate

Ste

I loved it even though that's an understatement. What I liked most about was that it wasn't too direct. It got me thinking about the meaning of this poem and I basically made up a long list even though you already explained the mood of the poem. I like that you have two people and are they having a conversation because it looks very much like one ( I hope that wasn't a dumb question). If it is a conversation, you should look more into that because it's the first time I've seen a poem that doesn't have one speaker but two speakers. That's impressive. Good job and keep writing.

Hey! First, I would like to say I'm happy to be back here at YWS after about a two or three year hiatus. The truth is, that I miss writing. And I miss living. And I miss sharing my love and passion with other people - even if it is only online.

I would like to start off by saying that this poem really impressed me. It is very raw and rugged - there is true emotion behind it, that's obvious. Overall, there is an even and consistent flow to it as well. Though there are some points I will mention, just to help you improve. I'll do this by analyzing the specifics of the work


The Complications of Living Compelling title

I. I am mad to unleash my throat,
to tilt my head to dusty skies and dying moons
and surrender my breath
because I have not the fear to keep it myself;

and would I not want to hand it over to you,
my searing dear? and your endless hold,
which has left me dangling from cliffs –
ankles raw and leading blood to my eyes
which can (at least) still see because of you?
Thank you? At first, your use of question marks in this stanza was a little misleading and confusing. Upon rereading, however, I understood the uncertainty behind it. In particular, I liked the question mark after "Thank you" as it contains a hint of sarcasm and perhaps even a bit of anger.

II. All I am is black ashes
consumed in a concentrated orbit of starflare trail
and all I want is to stay that way,
biting for each time I have bitten and
attempting to love no matter what.
Second line is a bit much to swallow and disturbs the rhythm of the piece. This is only a suggestion, but perhaps concentrated could be replaced with another word. Again, that's just my opinion.

Can’t you hear the sickening pulse
and crack, of each thought-cursed splinter
of bones void of marrow? Of life? "bones void of marrow..." beautiful imagery
Will you ever see that I am
neither angel nor siren? Nor beautiful, nor worthy?
I am but shattered glass, scarring all who touch me.
This, just to let you know, was my favourite stanza of the piece.

I. Score me in the flames, dear God!
Make me harmless and reachable!
And stain me with color – infuse me
with the Blaze that shines, from inside out.

Craft my heart of interwoven threads,
ties like red strings around two pinkie fingers,
but better – gold! to hold light and refuse all else.

Give my voice songs and not sounds,
for I have not the mind to match them
nor the words on my own.
Can’t I speak underwater? Can’t I hear?
Two beautiful, powerful stanzas

II. Don’t drown yourself, my friend,
why don’t you swim? You know how,
and if you didn’t, you know the resolve to hold on.
It is not a sin to accept an extended hand, far from it!
Does that even matter to you?

I. I am mad to unleash my throat,
to tilt my head down to clear dew and crying ire,
and surrender my breath
because I have not the fear to keep it myself.

The ending ties into the beginning wonderfully.

Summation:
I agree with AngelKnight about the piece being very indirect. I also agree that this is a good thing and leaves a sense of wonder for the reader. I am extremely pleased to be critiquing such a fabulous piece of work on my first day back at YWS It has been a pleasure to read and I look forward to reading more of your work! Stay in touch.
- Tamara