Sun

removed

One of my favorite I have seen all day! This is my first time ever reading a poem that tells a story like this one. The last stanza sets it off, one of my favorite things I find in poems is the imagery it sets off. I like to be in the poem and watch every detail and throughout this story I picture the sun and the earth. Keep it up, you are a very good writer.

I think josephbohnenberger said it all, but I couldn't not say anything. Its a lovely piece, I think the personification of the earth and sun, as well as the imagery really add weight to the poem, making it seem almost indulgent. Hope to read more

Only because you asked so nicely, (I'm sorry I'm so late on this)

taking the poem I know you did and looking at it in comparison. You haven't done well with the poem and in transforming it.

1. you've spent too long on this.
2. this is dull, cold, sterile. I don't have anything in me stirred through reading this.

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I know the appeal of the introducing words, they're quite powerful. But haven't harnessed that Parker, those words thrive off of blending into each other, being as natural as possible to read.

Teasing us with these metaphors so easily unwrapped isn't the way to grab interest and create a rhythm. When you don't have rhythm you must compensate with the depth and grace of ideas and imagery, but there isn't any subtlety here. You aren't presenting your ideas and works with any sort of grace or cohesion.

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What's so interesting, appeal, entertain, deep about this? You take two chopped up ideas and words and combine them together one after the other. And yes it pertains to giving your poem a driving point, but none of it is pretty easy to chew and subtle in its manner of unfolding.

Parker, be aware that to have a fully functioning poem you must considered two things - Does it have all the necessary components to keep it running (heart, breath, motion) and next, does it have enough appeal to last more then two seconds in someone's head?

I don't know what happened to the voice I knew from you originally, the really strong one with attitude and darkness that wasn't afraid to hide in the least. Don't claim on anything besides what's most natural to you, you can tweak that natural foothold but you must be aware that this foothole is probably what you do best (even though people may not like it). You can experiment, go out of your comfort zone, but keep in mind it is you who has the final say and you who's voice is being communicated, not anyone else's (even if they appeal to you more). Keep it individual or you fall into poems like these that are robotic and have fallen to people pleasing.

Kamas

Kamas, thank you.