The Boy Named Suffering

Hi there,
I love this! It's so sad, but it's eloquently written, and has a certain sophistication to it. You're descriptions are dead on- the perfect amount.

Suffering doesn’t know how to speak so he keeps everything inside.

-This was my favourite line- it really displays the complexity of suffering, and it just seems to fit well to me.

Also, the last line was excellent. It leaves the reader with even hope to feel inspired.

Thanks so much for the read, and happy writing
-Briggsy

Hey there - nice poem. I loved the fact that you are soley painting a picture - it is only an image that you are making to pull at the readers emotions. They have to make their own interpretaions as to what the story is, and that is an interesting factor, for a writer to play on.
I do have a couple things to add, though. I am a very odd poet, so this may not mean anything in reality, I obsess over little details. But, I thought that the rhythm of line two did not flow like I expected it to.Do the arms and legs resemble anything else? Line three confused me, dead fallen locks... Like hair?
LIne seven speaks. I loved it.
Keep working, snickerdooly!
-IamHathor22

First of all, I like the metaphor throughout the poem. You have some good imagery, too - we get a clear picture of suffering (as a boy). I just have a couple things.

One is, you say "straw like hair," which is actually a vague phrase because of the way it's written. You could go two ways here - you could just be saying that his hair is like straw, in which case you want to hyphenate this, "straw-like hair"; or you could be going a less traditional, potentially more powerful route and say that he has straw for hair, in which case you could either add a comma after "straw" or just leave this the way it is. Either way you're getting across the same point - I just think that it's a more powerful image if you're saying his hair is SO straw-like that now you're just going to say that he has straw, not hair.

I hope that made sense.

Anyway, moving on.

This line: "He tells himself he wants to fight but his heart whispers no." Ugh. I was enjoying the imagery and everything, and then this line. It's just kind of blah, and honestly it's cliched. Whispering hearts are overused, especially hearts that whisper "no." Also, we don't know what exactly he would be fighting - aside from the suffering, I mean - we don't know WHY he is suffering. If it's something like abuse, he could potentially fight it but might be scared to, but if it's something like hunger and poverty he is rather unable to fight, in which case there's nothing he can do and he probably wouldn't even think of fighting because how do you fight hunger, except by eating? And in that case there's no reason for his heart to whisper no anyway. I say, scrap this line. If you still want this sort of message to get across, please at least rewrite it so it's less of a cliche.

Other than that, though, this was good. Like I said, nice imagery - we got a very good view of this starving, malnourished, potentially neglected or abused boy.

~Blue

This is really nice. The fact that the semantics are so complex but that I contrasted by the simplified narration just makes it really easy to read and there is a strange fulfillment after finishing. I can really tell you have talent at your tender age! It's amazing. Keep writing and don't stop until you find what you lost.

Sorry for the lame review, I just wanted to say how good I thought it was.

Hayley.

To tell you the truth, I enjoyed this piece. It brought a new light into this picture perfect world. You see, many people write about this having a happy ending, love, friendship, life. You just flipped the board around. This suffering boy is a whole new world. I like it. There's something in this that makes you believe he's actually real. Emotion. It's in there. great job.

Keep Writing!

Nike

Hello,

First things first,
I love all of the poem, honestly. I just have one issue and that's the last line. It BOMBS your poem. It's like, 'I'm so pretty and flowy. Though, I am a trickster and want to make YOU suffer by the last line." That was a little harsh, but it got my point across. The last line needs some work.

He tells himself he wants to fight but his heart whispers no.


Suffering doesn’t know how to speak so he keeps everything inside.


He hopes one day to bring joy and happiness instead of pain and misery.

See how it just kind of abruptly ends. It made it choppy. Well, I am in school, so if any questions occur within you, Pm me. Bye, and good job!

Farewell,
-A.

Hello,

First things first,
I love all of the poem, honestly. I just have one issue and that's the last line. It BOMBS your poem. It's like, 'I'm so pretty and flowy. Though, I am a trickster and want to make YOU suffer by the last line." That was a little harsh, but it got my point across. The last line needs some work.

He tells himself he wants to fight but his heart whispers no.


Suffering doesn’t know how to speak so he keeps everything inside.


He hopes one day to bring joy and happiness instead of pain and misery.

See how it just kind of abruptly ends. It made it choppy. Well, I am in school, so if any questions occur within you, Pm me. Bye, and good job!

Farewell,
-A.

I LOVE THIS!! one of my favorite stories happens to be "a child called it". this is exactly showing how terrible some lives can be. it shows we need to reach out and help those people. this is a creative poem, or whatever it is(sorry) i enjoyed picturing this story in my mind. The descriptions give a very detailed picture, and i like that. kepp up the good work, and if u have time, could you possibly go review my first poem? thnx!
~rosey