What ill, what hope, what?

3 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3820
Reviews 90
Dark chasm,
dark pit,
oh how you drag me toward your grip.

Never yielding
no light can touch
no hope can reach.

What ill has
brought me here?

The darkness done
an evil deed.
Ruined life,
taken lives,
no hope is left for weary head.

Last rays broken.
The earth shatters
crumbling like sand of time.

Blown,
Swept,
drifting like the last leaves of fall
across a nightly breeze.

Take captive
by souls
Torn,
shredded past.

No returning
no taking back
the end is sure for me.

A fiery chasm
where all is dark
and none can reach.

A fitting end
to terror eternal.

A just reward
for crimes now done
unchangeable.
No end,
no hope
no recompense.

I give,
I let it go.

Take me now,
I wont fight
Strength gone,
wishes spent.

Enter now
Death
The beginning.
No end for me.


Spoiler
Please forgive any (probably lots) mistakes in this. I was wound up when I wrote it but wanted another opinion anyway. Tear it apart. Please note that I realize this is likely not even poetry so much as jumbled up scribble. Write on.
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1216
Reviews 26
Hey, Young here. Don't worry, we all make mistakes! But I'll point out a few of yours for now! ;)
"The Darkness done
an evil deed." Try,
"The Darkness did
an evil deed." Okay, got it? Now this,
"Last rays broken. The earth shatters" How bout this?
"Last rays broken, the earth shatters"
"A fitting end to terror eternal." Try,
" Your fitting end,
to eternal terror."
"A just reward
for crimes now done
unchangeable." Just take out anchangeable. The last thing I'll pick on one more thing, is that you forgot to put a ' in won't. That is all!
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 899
Reviews 4
I find this cool. It made my day after a long day at school. This explains the pain in a sole that has been lost and no one seems to want it found. So dark and creepy. You have appealed to my better nature, but yeah it needs less emotion. what exactly gave you the idea to this art??? Tell me please. Good job I'll give you a ten out of ten.
Love is strong, but there is more to life then to finding the love of your life...like...like...give me a minute...oh I got nothing, but there is...what was I talking about???



If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
— - no name -