It is Quiet Here

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It is quiet here,
the asphalt mottled with shades of the achromatic;
remnants of early morning rain,
the slightly acidic smell permeating the air.
If green was a smell
then this would smell emerald.
The only noise is the whir of bike wheels
and the grind of rusty gears.
As if in contradiction to the weatherman
the sun is attempting to poke
its long bright fingers through the clouds.
The first soul of the day passes
but he does not see me, though I him
for I am of the ether
and he of the mundane.
The traffic light does not bother me,
for what are mankind’s rules
without mankind?

I will never return to this place of grieving
but travel on to regions unknown
and cities unmapped.
Heading nowhere
but going everywhere.
Last edited by sarebear on Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:38 am, edited 2 times in total.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.




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Awesome. Totally get the feeling through it.

Only:

The traffic light does not bother me,


Great work!




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I really like the free flow of the poem. It is a very mature, surrealistic poem, and I have to admit I was a bit surprised by your age. The poem brings a solemn feeling to the idea of every day life, at least to me, and you seem to have quite the impressive outlook.

Only one problem:
If green was a smell
then this would smell emerald.


That phrase is repeating itself, without providing a point. What would make it smell emerald? What did emerald smell like to you? What would I smell if I smelt emerald? Trying to create A bridge between two senses can be very complicated, but not impossible :) help me sense it.
if you were to die today, would you be able to tell yourself that you did everything you wanted and everything you could?
* * *
life is a puzzle. want to put it together with me?




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This is really good. Very atmospheric. I have only one thing to say that hasn't already been said.

remnants of early morning rain,
the slightly acidic smell permeating the air.


Does it have to be slightly? If the air can't just smell acidic, can it be something other than slightly? Slightly just sounds so non-committal. I think when you're writing, things should be exaggerated most of the time (not all the time). A yell is never just a yell, it's a howl or a yelp or a really loud sound, you know what I'm saying?

The first soul of the day passes
but he does not see me, though I him
for I am of the ether
and he of the mundane.


I think after 'though I him' you need a full stop or a comma. The end of the line doesn't make punctuation and without some punctuation this sentence doesn't make sense. Although it is awesome.

This is really good, I had a really clear picture in my head of what I thought you were writing about and I love you for that.



A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau