Embrace

Okay, so I hoped you liked this. I wrote it a while back and wanted to share it. It took me a while to decide which section it belonged in.
Honestly, I'd like to go on a rant, describing what inspired me and what it means, partially because I know everyone will be asking, but I'd rather just make people think.
'Cause I'm mean

Wow! As I was reading this I became more and more curious and couldn't stop! I really like the element of mystery that you used as well I love this line in particular:

hopeispeace wrote:

No rushing I thought, or the floor will cave.

Great! I'd like to see a narrative that you've written because you're a wonderful story teller!

Hello hopeispeace,

I enjoyed reading this a lot it was powerful yet still easy to understand and I like how you used simile's as an effective language feature. It was really neat and you description is great and you created lots of imagery for the reader because of your amazing language and how you used lots of subtle things to enhance your poem. I especially liked these sections here

Finally, I reached the top.
I avoided the urge to look back, even as I felt eyes on me.
No rushing I thought, or the floor will cave.
I took a shaky breath, and continued down the hall.

and this one here

I stood and stared at it, a whole lifetime I felt pass by.
I lifted my hand, by some magic force, and felt the warm pleasant touch of the doorknob.
I melted inside, and breathed a sigh of relief.

They were both really beautiful and magical and they were my favorite lines of your poem by far. the next step for you would be working on the lay out, your lines ranged in length and the next step would be to try and keep them all roughly the same length. For presentation purposes if nothing else, just give it a go and if it doesn't work out then fine, at least you gave it a shot. Great work, keep up the awesome writing.

From CuteJackRussell

When I read this poem, I really think about life. That may not be what your poem is about, but that's how I feel about it. It makes me think of long hard years, being stuck in yourself, not having a mind of your own. and when you finally get THERE you know, THERE. That destination of being yourself. When you've been walking and afraid to dig deeper and find out what life means for you. That's what your poem made me think about. the meaning of finding you. It may be a long hard battle, and you may wonder when you will fall or when you might give up. Then there's the door, and then the relief of the realizing you have found it, the end, yourself.Or as you put it:

My brain couldn’t process; could no longer tell me what to do.
Now- I was at the mercy of myself, and I knew I couldn’t fail

Okay, so this is the first poem I have read of yours so I'm going to go into my basic breakdowns and try to explain my thoughts out as clearly as possible. Now, some people believe that poetry should not be judged on structure. That Poetry is from the heart first and foremost. If that was the case, there would be no good or bad poetry, so I'm merely here to help you figure that one out for yourself.

The first thing I noticed was how straight-forward this was.

Usually, a poem takes on a certain emotion or a certain topic. Something that would make it distinct and, when it comes down to is, should play some kind of a role in explaining something or even someone. That being said, its not prose so we should not treat it without metaphor or basic poetic devices, and a strong, neat structure. In this case, I was a bit curious as to what the purpose of it all was.

You write in a manner of someone who is writing prose. You talk about walking and climbing and the heart thudding. You write as if you are explaining something that is about to happen in a certain chapter instead of a poem, which confused me for quite a while. Now poetry is often enough a form of allegory or extended metaphor. This wasn't really metaphorical for anything, and if it was, you did not end it. It merely kept on going in the same, straight-forward way until you decided to finish it without really giving any idea of what had happened after she opened the door, or what the purpose of this poem was, if any. It all seemed rather vague, and lacking substance.

The fact that the structure was wonky also took away from this, I feel. The way in which your sentences don't hold any form of equality and the lines have no real rhythm. Its as so... bland when poetry should be flowery and distinct to all of one's senses.

Now, I'm curious as to why you ended the poem with an embrace. Or rather, what that embrace entailed. You spend a lot of time merely stating actions that when you get to the interesting parts or the ones in which matter, the poem is over and we come out of it not really knowing or understanding what the purpose was. So if you could explain this for me, that would be quite lovely.

In any case, you'd make a very spirited prose writer. This is perfect for an exert, per say, or an entrance into something really interesting and neat. On its own as a poem, though, it lacks power and it lacks reason.

In any case, keep writing. You have the spirit to try and the passion to approach poetry. Its all a matter of keeping that alive.

~Walker

I think you really show the intense, panting moments leading to something great-describe the embrace more, it deserves to be powerful in words so it is worth as much as gold. You details and language flows beautiful though it isn't even it's still shows talent. I really like the story like part to it, I read it out loud and it was like music! Nice work!

The other reviewers seemed to cover it for the most part.

I will say something about clichés, though.

hopeispeace wrote:

My heart pounded.
My head throbbed.

These are both glaring clichés, even in poetry you need to take care in avoid these little annoying expressions and lines, they really do not add anything and - more so in poetry than any other form of writing - you have the license to really explore new pasture, lines that haven't been uttered or etched. I will bold the clichés throughout the rest of this.

I knew it would never be over if I didn’t end it now.
I walked up the steps, slowly, as they creaked.
This was it. I knew it was.

My flashlight lit my path, but I didn’t need it anymore.
It thudded down the steps, as I climbed above.
Narrower and narrower, this stairwell became.
I was impatient, but rush and it wouldn’t work.
So my feet slowly creaked up step(also be careful not to repeat descriptions, particularly ones so bland as 'creaking steps') after step.

Finally, I reached the top.
I avoided the urge to look back, even as I felt eyes on me.
No rushing I thought, or the floor will cave.
I took a shaky breath, and continued down the hall.

There it was, there was the door.
Behind it, I saw light. Light; the most fantastic invention of the world.
And there it was, seeping through the seams of the door; inviting me.

The hallway went on for years, and then, out of nowhere, there the handle was in front of me.
Open it! My mind screamed.
But my hand wouldn’t respond.

I stood and stared at it, a whole lifetime I felt pass by.
I lifted my hand, by some magic force, and felt the warm pleasant touch of the doorknob.
I melted inside, and breathed a sigh of relief.

My brain couldn’t process; could no longer tell me what to do.
Now- I was at the mercy of myself, and I knew I couldn’t fail.

I pulled the door beside me, and stared into it- the light.
Like a zombie, I followed my feet, my eyes not leaving the throne.

And there was born- the warm embrace.