Hummingbird

6 posts
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DevanEWilliams
Gender Female
Points 6512
Reviews 56
Tue Sep 27, 2011 3:38 am
DevanEWilliams says... · Tue Sep 27, 2011 3:38 am
Spoiler
I was just writing without a real purpose and this is what came of it. I might fix it later if it's got problems, but this is what I have for now. Also, just to let you know, if you are going to comment (please do!), all capitalization/punctuation is intended to be the way it is. They are not mistakes ;) Please press Like if you like it! Thanks!


Unceasing motion-
An impossibly urgent heartbeat
compares only to the
frantic beats
that defy gravity
with swift movements.

Displays of gems
dance with sunlight-
Diamonds and
Rubies and
Emeralds.

You cease to exist, save being
a blur-
leaf-snow-fire
Dashing to
ever-changing destinations
that provide life
to sword-mouth, snake-tongue.

Have you an identity,
flying so fast?
Are you an animal,
or simply a beautiful,
fleeting moment
failed to be caught
by human eyes?
Stay away from limbo bears.
And always have extra marshmallows on hand in case of emergencies.

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HausOfDay
Gender Male
Points 919
Reviews 13
Tue Sep 27, 2011 9:01 am
HausOfDay says... · Tue Sep 27, 2011 9:01 am
I enjoy the detail that you go into, and the comparison between the bird and gems is wonderful, more so because it is an oxymoron, such a thing is impossible, but even so, here we see it. Lovely :)
My favourite line is :

that provide life
to sword-mouth, snake-tongue.

Both the imagery and language is effective here, but perhaps consider this: You are presenting a wonderful image of the humming-bird, however liken it's mouth and tongue to things that are quite lethal and nasty, is that the effect you want to make? If not maybe create a metaphor that suits the image better :) If not, keep it exactly as it is, I don't know this humming-bird after all, he/she may well be the pet of Satan himself! Haha.

Over all, very enjoyable.
Ofcourse it is in your head, but why does that mean that it is not real? - Wisest man I've ever known, Albus Dumbledore.
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Miyakko
Gender Male
Points 4908
Reviews 165
Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:51 pm
Miyakko says... · Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:51 pm
Hey DevanEWilliams,

This was a really good poem, I really enjoyed the simplicity of it all. But even though 'Hummingbird'
was the poem's title, I think there needs to be a little more clarity in what this poem is actually about.
Some of your descriptions left me puzzled and you need to be clear and more up-front in what you're
actually trying to say. These lines in particluar...

An impossibly urgent heartbeat
compares only to the
frantic beats
that defy gravity


Not entirely sure what the 'frantic beats that defy gravity' actually are?

Displays of gems
dance with sunlight-
Diamonds and
Rubies and
Emeralds.


Not sure why you've included gems...

But, I must say, your use of language was fantastic. You were creatively descriptive and it was
fresh and lively, and captured the energy of a hummingbird very nicely. Awesome stuff.

Miyakko.
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DukeofWonderland
Gender Female
Points 668
Reviews 131
Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:55 pm
DukeofWonderland says... · Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:55 pm
DevanEWilliams wrote:Unceasing motion-
An impossibly urgent heartbeat
compares only to the
frantic beats
that defy gravity
with swift movements.I am going to asssume this is a blank verse, good flow :D

.....You cease to exist, save being
a blur-
leaf-snow-fire
Dashing to
ever-changing destinations
that provide life
to sword-mouth, snake-tongue.Ah, yes- this is what you said about before right? well, I lost concentration- looking forward to explanation :D

failed to be caught
by human eyes?I think I now got it- and I like this portion.

Your topic was nice sth that has the oppurtunity to live forever- Poetry as it should be is what I say. good work and btw, thanx a lot for your review to Music and memory- hope my, well- I know it's not as helpful as ur review- but I TRIED :D
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Wyrd Sisters"
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Cole
Gender Male
Points 0
Reviews 56
Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:01 pm
Cole says... · Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:01 pm
Unceasing motion-
An impossibly urgent heartbeat
compares only to the
frantic beats
that defy gravity
with swift movements.

Displays of gems
dance with sunlight-
Diamonds and
Rubies and
Emeralds.

You cease to exist, save being
a blur-
leaf-snow-fire
Dashing to
ever-changing destinations
that provide life
to sword-mouth, snake-tongue.

Have you an identity,
flying so fast?
Are you an animal,
or simply a beautiful,
fleeting moment
failed to be caught
by human eyes?



Descriptive words that went through my mind as I read (in no particular order):

Fleeting, quick, simple, piercing, sharp, creative, innovative, imaginative, original, inspired, bright, sensitive, artistic, elegant, urgent, contemporary, light, soft, penetrating, perceptive, charming, passionate, delicate, endearing, smart, restrained, thoughtful, observant, melancholy, insightful, reflective, extraordinary, philosophical, melodious natural, powerful, potent, strong, beautiful, glorious, graceful, sweet, sensitive, engaging, and lovely.

I thought this was genius. I've never seen a poem about a hummingbird before. I enjoyed it very much.

Great piece. Write more!

H.
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theotherone
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:07 pm
theotherone says... · Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:07 pm
Hello there, I'm here as requested.

Sorry for the wait, I'm just busy these days. So here we go with the review. :)

First off, the flow was good, even though I though the punctuation was a little bit weird. You say it was intended, so I'll just ignore it.

The imagery was also good, with the use of specific words and the phrasing. The only thing that I did not like was the second verse. It was tiny compared to the others, and didn't quite have that much substance to it, again in comparison to the other three.

That said, I really liked the poem, and I think you did a good job overall.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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6 posts


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