Mother of the Year

There are times when I really do my best.
You don't even turn and say, "good job." Just like you used to.
I feel so hurt when you act this way to them.

There are times where I just look into the past to find the comfort.
The time when you held me so close and make the dark go away.
I miss the feeling when I do something good or anything you would be proud of me.

Now that I see you, you don't even care.
You say you do, but you just toss me aside.
Even as a child I felt it, that you were using me to live your lost dream.


There are times when you drive me to the edge on destroying you and myself!
Where I go into my mind to find some peace in mind.
Then I think where did it all go wrong.

Was it my friends?
Was it I wasn't trying harder?
Was it I was not the child you thought I was?

I always stray away from you and them.
Sometimes I think I don't belong.
There are times, I just go in the world I've created inside my head.

There are times where I go mad.
Just to think those happy moments, those moments where we were just.
You always shield me from those bad things.

Now its got me and you won't even try to reach for me!
WHY!!
You said you were going to be there!

Your lying.
You were always lying.
You left me there so I can rot!!

I hate you...
Even though others think its just a ruse.
No..I hate you...

You left me for death...I hate you...

This poem is obviously expressing some very powerful emotions. I'm going to bring up my archnemises "show vs. tell",because this poem is comprised almost entirly of the latter. This might not actually be a bad thing. Telling intentionally can have an impact. If this is the case though, there are still some lines that need work.

I feel so hurt when you act this way to them.

It's not clear what the them refers to. I think you mean "those times" but you might want to make it more obvious what you are tryng to say.

to find the comfort

"the" is not neccesary. DO you have an internal rythem that I'm missing. Since I can't tell, you might want to tweak things so the sound better regardles of what the scheme is supposed to be.

The time when

Should this be 'times'?

There are times when you drive me to the edge on destroying you and myself!

I think you meant of not on. Typo. Alsu "us both" might sound better than you and myself, but I don
t want to pt words in your mouth.

Where I go into my mind to find some peace in mind.
Then I think where did it all go wrong.

It should possibly be 'When' not 'where' and the repition of 'mind' is awkward.
Also the second line shold have punctuation "Then I think,where did it all go wrong?

Was it my friends?
Was it I wasn't trying harder?
Was it I was not the child you thought I was?

I think this is my favourite stanza, but it has issues too. the second and third lines take a minute to make sense, again I don't want to muck with your style but it might sound better like this:
"Was it my friends?
Was it that I wasn't trying harder?
Was it that I wasn't the child you thought I was?" Only a couple words changed, but the sense is hopefully clearer.

go in the world

into the world

where I go mad

when I go mad, similar to above

those moments where we were just.

Just what???

You always shield me from those bad things.

would always

WHY!!

question mark?

Your lying.

You're lying

so I can rot

might sound better to rot

its just a ruse

it's just a ruse

I feel bad for picking at something that seems more personal, but I think fixing these things will make it better. This is a very powerful piece, thank you for sharing.

Personally, I did not like this poem. I wrote a piece somewhat similar to this a few days ago about how much i hate this mother, but to me this poem did not have the aspects of emotion this subject needs. As the above reviewer already stated, the show vs. tell aspect plays a big role in why I did not like this poem.

There are times when I really do my best.
You don't even turn and say, "good job." Just like you used to.
I feel so hurt when you act this way to them.

There are times where I just look into the past to find the comfort.
The time when you held me so close and make the dark go away.
I miss the feeling when I do something good or anything you would be proud of me.

This is simply telling. Both stanzas have no real imagery, and no real emotion. The second stanza should have a lot more emotion than it does. The part highlighted in red is something I would personally expand on. Why is that feeling so important? And why do you need it so much? How has it affected you?

Those are questions you should ask yourself throughout this poem.

There are times when you drive me to the edge on destroying you and myself!
Where I go into my mind to find some peace in mind.
Then I think where did it all go wrong.

Was it my friends?
Was it I wasn't trying harder?
Was it I was not the child you thought I was?

These two stanzas are pretty much worthless in this poem. The second one in this couple especially. The first could be expanded, or changed, but effort for emotion failed. That, highlighted in red, makes no sense. I understand the driving to edge, but destroying her, and you. How? And the next line:

Where I go into my mind to find some peace in mind.

is a bit weird considering the first line in that stanza is a complete sentence, and the second is supposed to be a continuation of the first.

The second stanza in this couple is useless because is really tells us nothing. I see you trying to question the cause of the tension, but that is not done effectively.

Overall, this poem was simply okay. You have to invoke more emotion, and explain things by showing them. Imagery is extremely important in creating a great piece of poetry.

Regards,
dante93