Black Love

What more can I ask form you?
when you've given me the last poison,
that shall eternally remain.
Those beautiful wicked eyes of yours,
enthrall me the first we met.
The warm and gentle touch
of your hands,
scratched my very own skin.
A smell of your radiance buried me into
hollow dreams.
Perhaps I could ask you one last thing,
a death kiss would do.

What more can I ask from you?
when you've given me the last poison,
that shall eternally remain.

Slight typo. Just pointing it out. (I also think that What more can I ask of you? works slightly better).

Those beautiful wicked eyes of yours,

Those beautiful , wicked eyes of yours,

or

Those beautifully wicked eyes of yours

enthrall me the first we met.

enthralled me when first we met.

A smell of your radiance

[/quote]

Makes more sense to put the smell, but I guess that's actually up to you.

Now, a disappointing start due to the few fairly simple mistakes you made here, demonstrating a real lack of care.

However, I'll let you off and pretend like you're tired and just wanted to get something out.

But, I'll be honest, although the idea has become cliche and has been done a thousand times, I quite liked this little poem. The accusative rhetorical question at first is a brilliant way to start any poem, and it's quickly balanced with the gentle one-sided display of thoughts. The way the poem reads in my head is also very pleasant, and some of the more subtle and meaningful ideas really do make the reader think, although I don't personally relate to this poem very much.

Overall, I'll say you have skill, and can write. But next time I implore you to re-read again and again until you've corrected all errors and things that might not quite work.

~JCK

Thank you. You have pointed out my errors and I'll try my best to improve.

I liked this poem. Although it was short, it was a very deep and interesting poem. I loved the first verse. You had such great description going on there. It really helped me to understand the poem. And your use of words is amazing! You are really talented. I loved the verse so much and it was a great opening to the poem. It made me intrigued.

The second verse was just as strong but I think the first one stood out for some reason.

I cannot see any grammatical mistakes, except for the one mentioned already. Overall, amazing poem!

Deanie x

I really like this poem. Great job, yes there were a couple typos here and there but over all it was a great and short read.
After reading this I notice that I can some what relate to what I feel like you are saying.