I Could Die

Spoiler

One of my most... structured poems in a while. (It originally had a different structure; I'm just trying this out for YWS posting to see if it makes a difference.) I'm willing to think of punctuation, but as I wrote this, I wrote it as a kind of ever-flowing thing that doesn't stop except between the lines where it fit. Not all my lines have the same rhythm for the sake of cutting the pauses where they sound most natural.

And still am I chained here
To this stone cold wretched earth
Where they curse and call me honour
Upon valour upon worth

Dancing in their circles
Weaving time within their tales
They tell stories of my might before
They felled me with a nail

A nail in my head
Upon my heart upon a stone
Let me be the worthiest
And let me be the known

For their stories carry nothing
Without something to be said
And I'm worth nothing to them
If I'm anywhere near dead

I love it! I'm a new member so your poem is seemingly perfect for me.
By the way, are you by any chance reading gothics poetry?
I see dark words in your poems.
Anyway,great job! <3

Morning, Ravendear.

I’ve no doubt that your rhythms were intentional; they fit a sort of Irish ballad sort of pattern with that one break for “A nail in my head” that draws emphasis to and from the line. So yes, you did this intentionally, so let’s look into your content since you’ve disclaimed a few critiques.

Stanza one comes in as a sort of miserable Samson chained between pillars where, upon first read, I thought you were implying he was some sort of position of authority, which may be the case. But really, it comes through stronger as a sort of martyrdom narrative. I’m unsure, though, if that’s the case. In fact, a simple bit of syntax—whether you used “me honour” as “my honour” or as “me honour” makes all the difference. So it’s a bit of a culture deal that’s bugging me.

Stanza two just does what it wants to. I’m unsure how to touch it without breaking your narrative, but I’m getting a Frank Turner vibe at this point—something along the lines of a bar song from the 1600’s. I think the anachronistic feel here is what makes it inaccessible for deeper meaning. Are you experimenting with folklore? Trying to create a mythology?

Or perhaps you’re going that route to bring it into a sort of average teenage drama situation. “Girls be spreadin’ rumors” and all that jazz. It brings me back to the martyrdom possibility. A contemporary martyr is something to be praised, but it’s not something you’ll give to a teenager and get a good response.

So your stress line. “A nail in my head”. Yes, it bugs me because it breaks your horse-trotting stride, but I don’t think it’s really anything to complain about since it’s intentional. It just doesn’t seem to carry the weight you want it to.

This last stanza is my favorite because it’s the only one that really carries deeper meaning that can be applied to life. And honestly, don’t bother with punctuation. This works without it because each stanza is a sentence, unless you consider the last two one sentence together. It just works.

I hope this helps, or at least gives you food for thought. Let me know if you have any questions.

-Lumi

Yeah, Lumi, I wasn't exactly sure where I was going with this myself. I might look at the words and the repeated line again, maybe see if I can change anything (I was drawing a blank when I started with "nail" at the end of the second stanza, but the rest of the poem flowed well after that, so I guess I chose the right word >.>). I sincerely don't know what time period this would apply to simply because I didn't stop to really think about it while I was writing it. I don't often; I always look at them again later.

But thank you, both of you. <3 And yes, Lu, that's given me something of food for thought. Now I've got to jot this down again and see what I can do with editing it on paper my usual way.