Mother May I

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Gender Male
Points 5889
Reviews 111
Mother,
May I be so frank
As to say shut your mouth?

Stop talking,
Stop preaching.
I don't care what you have to say.

You are a hypocrite,
a liar,
and a spiteful human being
who holds me as the root of
all her problems.

I hate you,
everything about you,
everything you stand for.

Intolerance,
Ignorance,
and hatred are what fuel you.

Your insatiable appetite to
control consumes you.

But your desires do not control me.
Your ignorance is not my own.

Do not tell me how to run my life,
how I should live,
what my passions are.

I hate you,
truly hate you,
truly hate how you demonize me,
how you make it seem as though I am
trying to destroy you.

I've had problems.
Drink,
Drugs,
My own hatred for the world.

But I try to heal,
try to forget,
but you consistently remind
me of my past when I try to move forward.

You are my mother,
my supposed caregiver,
the one person who is supposed to
love me without condition,
but you have ruined me.

I raised myself,
alone,
without you,
even when you were there.

All you gave me was anger,
pain, and sorrow.

Mother,
may I say I hate you,
but that you will not define me.

I define me,
what I believe in,
what makes me whole.

I release you from my mind.
I do not forgive you,
but you will not consume me,
like your past consumes you.
Last edited by dante93 on Fri Oct 21, 2011 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
-Dante93




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Gender Male
Points 818
Reviews 52
Hi. This poem is alright and has the pontential to be very powerful but I think it needs a little bit of work. The flow of the poem is a bit jerky which makes it seem like more of a monologue than a poem. My personal opinion is that a poem needs to have an even flow that makes it easy to follow the story/ideas/message/emotions/etc. But if you have done that deliberately then forget all of that because it's your poem and you should decide the way it is read.
Over all this is a good poem and I love the conviction in your words especially in the last stanza:
"I release you from my mind.
I do not forgive you,
but you will not consume me,
like your past consumes you."
I hope my suggestion has helped a bit but I'm not an expert so make sure you keep the poem as true to your emotions as possible. Anyway thanks for the poem and I hope you can review some of my poetry. Keep writing.




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Gender Male
Points 5889
Reviews 111
The poem was supposed to be a bit of a monologue. I'm not going to change much in the poem, but I will look at it again. Thanks for the suggestion.
-Dante93




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Gender Male
Points 577
Reviews 198
Hey, dante.

First I want to address some technical stuff. Your style is inconsistent. At parts you capitalize the first letter of a line, and at other parts you don't. Example:

Mother,
May I be so frank
As to say shut your mouth?


as compared to:

But I try to heal,
try to forget,
but you consistently remind
me of my past when I try to move forward.


This is all over the place but easy to fix so don't worry much about it. Secondly a typo:

love m gave me without condition,


As to the poem itself, it's a rather long-winded, cathartic critique of your mother. Usually I don't review such because they are difficult to review. It's redeeming quality is an underscoring and insightful irony. There's not much else to say except that I'm glad you clarified it is a monologue. I can see this most as something a character would say.
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




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Gender Male
Points 9525
Reviews 249
This is such a powerful poem that just reached out to me from the screen and gave me a big smack on my face. I was expecting something totally different until I read the 3rd line. And that line was what set the tone for the poem. The way you express your hate is very straight - as in you don't beat around the bush - and that gave me the impression that the lines seemed very blunt and rather forced.

"I hate you,
everything about you,
everything you stand for."

"I hate you,
truly hate you,
truly hate how you demonize me,
how you make it seem as though I am
trying to destroy you."

"Mother,
may I say I hate you,"
- I just wanted to point out here that in all these lines, the words mean the same even though you're proclaiming them in different ways. I pretty much understood that your hate from the first 'hate'.

But nevertheless, this poem is original and has a deep and strong tone to it and that is what makes it unique. The poem sounds like you've poured your heart out and that provides for the emotion.
There is, however, a lot of potential for improvement in the wordings so don't feel shy to take a look at it again.

Though, I'm not a strong advocate for changing others' poems since I believe a poem is what the poet makes and that no one else should be able to alter it. So if you feel that this poem truly needs to be changed, go ahead. And don't alter it because someone told you to.

In the end, I have to say that this is a nice piece with a lot of emotion.
Keep the ink flowing!
:)
It's not about the weight of what's spoken.
It's about being heard.




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Points 1389
Reviews 28
I loved how it was well-written. It is full of expressions and strong emotions put up together and I can attach to those feelings you were trying to convey. By the way, I loved a song with the same title as yours but that's not the point. I love love this so much. <3



“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly