Hi! I just wanted to say that I love this. It really makes me think, which doesn't happen often when I read things. Honestly, this really means something to me. I don't know where you got this idea from but I love it personally, and since I'e never been good at grammar i have nothing else to say. :3
i like your story but it was hard to follow at times. some parts of it rhymed and others didnt and that made my reading it kinda get thrown off. i thought it was a good start and that you can greatly improve once you have a little more practice. i like the parts where it is describing the scene a little and on you spoiler i like where the body is removeed and all that is left is the chalk outline.
Do you really know the difference between Love and Hurt?
Audy, dear, you know I adore you. Really, I do. You're an absolute doll. Because of this, I'm sure you know what I'm going to say.
This poem was a whole lot of short with not a whole lot of substance. And I mean this in only the sincerest manner, of course, only because I know you are capable of better feats than this. What I see here is the outlining. The start. Its not really complete, though. Not really close to in, in actuality.
The only bit I feel is worth saving would be those last four lines. Up till that point, it was a whole lot of simply telling people what happened and what it all looked like. So very prosey, in that manner, and lacking what could make this interesting. Such as metaphor or simile. Stating this all so blatantly does not really appear to help this in the least, and I want it to be helped. Its such an interesting, exquisitely tragic ideology worth pursuing if given the time and the effort. After all, the gears had to have been turning if you could come up with those last four lines, which were marvelous to say the least. Absolute gems.
I only tell you this because I fancy you'll be a fantastic poet one day. Because I have hopes that you'll work harder to create stronger poetry rather than these weak intro'd things.
You've got the shine, kid. You really do. I wouldn't be pushing so hard and being so... well, outright with you if I didn't see it.
~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
