Mommy didn't care...

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
Can anyone hear me out there
why didn't my mommy care
innocent taken at such a young age
by my daddy's drucken rage

can anyone hear my cry
why won't they just let me die
please daddy i'm only four
please daddy don't touch me any more

can't anyone see my painful tears
why didn't mommy save me from my fears
"MOMMY HELP ME!!!" I cry out
but mommy ignores my painful shout

Can anyone hear me out there
why did big brother stop and just stare
why do they hate me so much
innocent taken by my daddy's touch

being touched is what i fear
being touched year after year
no body saw my tears in the rain
please help me, i'm going insane

all i want is to be free
but can't because of the beatings they never see
daddy gets up and puts a knife under my chin
i know i will burn in hell for my daddys sin




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Gender Female
Points 1321
Reviews 11
This was very emotional and very deep. I for one loved how raw it was and how you really gave us a feel for your poor character. There were a couple things I'd like to point of though, corrections in Red:

innocent Inocence taken at such a young age,

innocent Inocence taken by my daddy's touch.


And I'd also like to point out that you're rhyming is very stressed. Almost as if you were trying to hard to make it rhyme. Not all poems have to rhyme, but if you really want to, I suggest making it more "flowy", by changing up syaballes or words, because it seems very forced at the momment.

And that's about it. Very awesome job! I'd love to see more :D
I CAN'T SPELL. I SUCK AT GRAMMER. MY SENTENCES MIGHT NOT EVEN MAKE SENSE.
BUT BABE, DO I HAVE SOME STORIES TO TELL.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 982
Reviews 15
This was a brilliant poem. It was a little hard for me to read because I can relate to some parts of it. This is a character who I can think of myselfas. I know that kind of feeling to be screaming your mind off but no one can hear you. Very nice job and I hope you post up more of your work.



We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead