a frozen window pane

a frozen window pane

I’m the breath scratching the surface
of a window, whose pane is frozen stiff
and though each nail digs and pry’s,
and though the voice speaks loud and clear,
no dent is made, no room to feel
as if anything makes sense anymore.

It's cold, foot deep in snow, with thoughts
and songs playing raucously in my head.
A tempered beast, who looms and mourns
the aching of a cracking heart --
and kisses soft silences with bitter words
that kill the chance of saving face.

I grasp at pins and needles, like ice
that jolt the flesh and make it bleed.
And with nothing gained, all is lost
buried in tufts of white, waiting patiently
for that window to open, if ever it should
and it never does, even if hope endures.

Until I freeze to death.

Spoiler

Angsty, but whatever. I needed an outlet. Its a little on the... raw side. Sorry about that. Not my usual stuff, that's for sure.

In any case, rip it apart.

Hi, well, this was really good! I do have a few nitpicks to make, though.

First off, it was sort of choppy in a few places. I also didn't really get the point you were trying to make. I guess I just didn't get what it was about, really. That could just be my problem, though, not yours.

a frozen window pane [If this is the title, then it should be capitalized]

I’m the breath scratching the surface
of a window, whose pane is frozen stiff
and though each nail digs and pry’s,
and though the voice speaks loud and clear,[I always thought it made it seem choppy when a sentence is cut off in one line, then continued in the next. It just seems to break the flow of the poem. This is basically just a sentence, broken into little pieces to make more lines.]
no dent is made, no room to feel
as if anything makes sense anymore. [I really liked these last two lines, though Great imagery.]

Its [This should be 'It's' which is really 'It is'. Its is like saying 'hers' or 'his] cold, foot deep in snow, with thoughts
and songs playing raucously in my head.
A tempered beast, who looms and mourns
the aching of a cracking heart --
and kisses soft silences with bitter words
that kill the chance of saving face. [I really liked these lines, they flow nicely and I like the imagery in the first of the two.]

I grasp at pins and needles, like ice
that jolt the flesh and make it bleed.
And with nothing gained, all is lost [I don't really think you need to start this line with 'And'. It seems unnecessary.]
buried in tufts of white, waiting patiently
for that window to open, if ever it should
and it never does, even if hope endures.

Until I freeze to death. [I really like this, I think it ends your poem very nicely and just sums it up very well. Great job ]

So, I really like the imagery and emotions showing through in this poem, I think you did a great job, but again, some parts seem a little choppy, and I think you could work a little on clarifying what the point of the poem is. Again, great job!

~Tayla

Good imagery, first off. You definitely did a good job setting a tone for this poem and giving us an image of a frozen winter's night, maybe a snowstorm, and the window itself.

The other reviewer already caught "its" versus "it's," so I'll leave that alone. I just have two things:

And with nothing gained, all is lost
buried in tufts of white, waiting patiently
for that window to open, if ever it should
and it never does, even if hope endures.

I agree with deleting that first "and" here, but even without it this still feels like a run-on sentence. Even though it would still be a run-on sentence this way, I suggest replacing the last "and" with a "but." It feels a little less run-on that way, and it makes a little more sense.

Until I freeze to death.

I know the other person really liked this, but I feel like it's awfully melodramatic. The rest of the poem is all good imagery, etc, etc, but this line is just - maybe it's because it stands alone. If it was the end of a stanza instead of a single line, or if it was part of another sentence, I might like it better; I'm not sure. The only thing is, without it we don't really realize the narrator is on the OUTSIDE of the window - we (or at least I) assume that the narrator was inside, until this stanza - then we realize he or she was outside in a blizzard or whatever, which is what is powerful about the line. Other than that sudden realization, though, I don't think it's that powerful...just melodramatic.

Other than that, though, good job, great imagery.

~Blue

I absolutely adored this piece! I'm speechless! Now onto the nitpicky-ness xD

Dreamwalker wrote:I’m the breath scratching the surface I think you should bring the rest of the phrase up making it "I'm the breath scratching the surface of a window,
whose pane is frozen stiff" It just makes it flow better if you have the rest of the phrase on there
of a window, whose pane is frozen stiff
and though each nail digs and pry’s, love this imagery!
and though the voice speaks loud and clear,
no dent is made, no room to feel
as if anything makes sense anymore.

Dreamwalker wrote:It's cold, foot deep in snow, with thoughts
and songs playing raucously in my head.
A tempered beast, who looms and mournsEither bring "the aching of a cracking heart" up or move " who looms and mourns" down. Just sounds better
the aching of a cracking heart --
and kisses soft silences with bitter words beautiful!
that kill the chance of saving face.

Dreamwalker wrote:I grasp at pins and needles, like ice
that jolt the flesh and make it bleed.
And with nothing gained, all is lost you need to add a semi-colon here. Just grammar
buried in tufts of white, waiting patiently bring "for that window to open" up and at a period at the end of "if it ever should"
for that window to open, if ever it should
and it never does, even if hope endures.

Dreamwalker wrote:Until I freeze to death.

Perfect! Sent chills down my spine

I really enjoyed this poem! It was beautifully written and I loved every word of it! One more thing! When you have another sentence, just capitalize the beginning word Just helps the flow! Great job. Keep writing! BRAVO