Unknown Intentions

Written purely for fun... not sure when I wrote it. Found and on my computer hidden away deep in a file...
Tear it apart!

Why is the poem called Unknown Intentions? I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem to fit with the poem. And, as we all do, I have a few nitpicks.

To change my future,
and a dream to see,
only you do hold the key.

Give to me your lock,
and give me yourand chain.

The sound of trembling stones,
and breaking bonds,
pieces shattered lay lie.

A light and hope,
A whispered prayer,
an image now to behold.

Beauty shines through
the iris of my heart,
as only inspiration can.

I though this stanza was really beautiful.

Colour floods out,
upon a cold grey world
as now the sound,
of freedom rings.

You look at me
and you smile.

A terrifying shiver
races through my bones.

Oh, but to see once more
the hope
that quiet sunrise gives.

Now only darkness lay lies
in a pool of emotions raw.

The written word to find,
a dangerous play.

Beware,
the quiet shores of thought
as waves of writing flow
from the depths of heart's desire.

Overall, very good job! But, where I 'lay' has been striked out, it's because the entire poem is in present tense and when you write 'lay' it changes to past tense. Also, you could have used punctuation in some places couldn't you? Otherwise, the poem was beautiful. I think you are really good at writing. So, Keep Writing!
~HPR~

Ooh, tear it apart? I like this challenge. Stanza-by-stanza, then, as usual.

First stanza - I'm not quite sure what to do with this; though it makes little sense, it's purely dumbfounding me. I don't know where to start. First line, I don't learn towards starting a poem with "to" (though I've been known to start them with conjunctions and such before; this seems a little long for that kind of play). Perhaps "Change[or changing] the future,/a dream to see,/only you do hold the key" - cutting out the wishy-washy prepositions and conjunctions that weaken it and emphasizing that which strengthens it.

Second and third stanzas - I don't like how the second stanza's two lines were set apart from the rest; they look lonely, and it feels like they could have been incorporated into the poem in a smoother way. "[A]nd chain -/the sound of trembling stones" seems like it would be a better outcome for that. Cut out "and breaking bonds" or cut out "trembling stones/and", because one or the other has to go. Without each other, they're fine, but combined the terminology is far too heavy - it grinds the poem to a near-halt. "The sound of breaking bonds;/pieces shattered lay" looks like such a lighter phrase that it's possible to continue reading.

Fourth and fifth stanzas (I'll just combine from now on) - There's something missing after "prayer" in the fourth stanza. Either a comma or a colon; take your pick. The fifth stanza seems utterly cheesy. There's no other word for it, I'm sorry. "Beauty shines through the iris of my heart as only inspiration can" is like an overused phrase. Every time you murder a simile, a fairy dies - add that to the mixed message that the biology of the phrase is sending (the "iris of [your] heart"), and it's a little confusing. Eyes are windows to the soul and all that, but isn't there a better phrase?

Sixth and seventh stanzas. I have little problem with the sixth - perhaps a more harsh separation of the ideas, though, would be in order. "Colour floods out/upon a cold grey world:/Now the sound/of freedom rings" connects the ideas more intimately, though it's your opinion of course. The seventh stanza is simple enough, and I actually like the separation of these six words. They seem more offset from the world around them.

Eighth and ninth stanzas. I feel like you could have erased the gap between these two, or perhaps between the seventh and eighth: The eighth stanza is begging to belong to one idea. Are you shivering because the other is smiling at you, or are you shivering because you don't think you'll see the hope a quiet sunrise gives any more? The ninth is nice, but the word "that" instead of a softer word like "the" or "a" sounds too harsh - the consonant at the end separates it from "quiet" and makes the phrase itself rather loud.

Tenth and eleventh - I'm nearing the end, at least. I don't like either of these at all, though. The sentences are too separate, their ideas far too alike; darkness and danger go hand in hand, and here you are trying to force them apart. I also don't understand what you're trying to get at in the eleventh - what is "a dangerous play"? The tenth itself has only a little problem: There should be some kind of article between "in" and "pool". It's simply improper to leave it out, and makes the phrase feel incomplete. Perhaps "that" would be more appropriate here, giving emphasis as "Now only darkness lay in that pool of emotions raw."

Twelfth stanza: no comma after "Beware", please. If you're trying to say "beware the quiet shores of thought", that is; if not, please elaborate on what you are warning of. Also, "hearts" needs an apostrophe to become "heart's", since it is the heart's desire we're speaking of.

Over all, it's cutesy. Horribly cliché, awkward on the tongue, separate and emanating different emotions from one stanza to the next - so it's cutesy. It doesn't evoke any kind of true emotion in me, but with a little polishing, it might.

I really like the melancholy atmosphere of this poem. It definitely stands out because you were able to pull it off so easily. One thing I'd like to say is that even though it's free verse, the constant two-line stanzas really throws off the flow of your poem. It makes it seem very choppy, when it should flow very smoothly. Maybe you should look into that. But thanks for sharing this!