The Puzzle

Spoiler

I've had an intense case of writer's block for the past two months, so this may be a little rough. Feel free to tear it apart now, haha.

The pieces meld seamlessly
into a picture of a family
smiling,
laughing,
loving.
The little girl smiles back—
this puzzle is easy-peasy.

Her chubby hand darts out
eager,
impatient,
greedy,
ready to add the last piece
and seal the moment forever.

But the last piece won't fit
and the girl's smile quickly fades.
Pushing,
shoving,
wheezing,
she tries to force the piece
into a place where it doesn't belong.

Mommy snatches the piece away—
“Stop, baby, stop!”
“But Mommy,” the girl protests.
“It won’t fit. It’s the wrong piece!”
“No baby,” Mommy whispers.
“It’s just the wrong puzzle.”

Hmm....this really got me thinking so as I write this, I can't really just post an opinion about it right off the bat. I feel a lot of happiness in the beginning and than I start to feel pity. It was like a roller coaster actually. My general opinion or thought about the poem is that the girl tries to have this picture perfect family or life but turns out that life is not for her but she wants it so badly. Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong. I can't find much mistakes about this so now all I can say is to keep writing

Hello there. I love the symbolism/metaphors in this poem. It was lovely. Hope the writer's block stays away! (not here to review)

Hey sarahjane97,

This was pretty good. I think better structure is what's needed in this poem. So, having lines
that are around the same length and lines that are more lyrical. This'll create better flow and
make it more poem-sounding.

Also, please throw in heaps more emotion! I felt sadness and pity for this girl, and I feel that
this poem has much potential for richer and raw emotion, helping the audience to connect to
the little girl better and feel for her more.

Otherwise, I like the concept of it. Really great. It definitely has a deeper meaning to it, which
is pointed out in the last stanza. Oh! That's is! Be a little clearer with the conversation going
on between the mother and girl in this stanza, so the message slaps the reader in the face!

I also really liked the motif you used of a 'puzzle'. Really great and you used this idea very well.
Let me know if you've got questions or if I've left you a little confused!

Miyakko.

Hey Sarah

Hurray for the demolition of That Which Must Not be Named (that you mentioned in the spoiler.)

This piece made me smile. I agree with the others, it was a bit of a rollarcoaster, but at the same time I liked that. The twist at the end is great. I think what I like most is that it is a multi-dimensional poem. There are so many ways of looking at it, and even after reading it over a few more times I didn't tire of it. Personally I think it's great as it is, adding too much more will probably dull down the effect.

Good work! Keep it up

I loved this poem so much! Your poetry is indescribable and I look up to your writing skills! You are very, very, very talented! Now back to this poem Here are a few nitpicky things

sarahjane97 wrote:But the last piece will not fit I think you should just change "will not fit" into "won't fit" as it is a bit easier to read and makes the poem flow better
and the girl's smile quickly fades.

sarahjane97 wrote:But the last piece will not fit
and the girl's smile quickly fades.
Pushing,
shoving,
wheezing, it needs to be 'pushing, shoving, wheezing; she tries to force the piece into a place where it doesn't belong.' just a simple typo
she tries to force the piece
into a place where it doesn't belong.

that's all I could find! I really enjoyed reading this and the message was amazing! I don't think I'll ever be able to write as well as you Once again amazing story! Keep writing! BRAVO