Just another random thought

just another random thought,
sitting in the silence
of my disturbed thoughts,
i refused to think about it;
i closed my eyes,
tried to shut it tight,
carried everywhere by the wind,
it seemed so real and so true;
gazing deeply into the pool of water,
i see my face staring back in
amazement and in wonder
at the emotions that i am overcome with;
drawing me closer and closer,
stirred by the depth of passion,
torn between the life that is
and the life that will be, i struggle;
trying to find a solution,
i try to claw my way out,
i try to fight the feelings
and all the emotions i have been overcome with;
sitting in the dark,
thinking of you,
wishing you were here,
realizing i am a prisoner of love,
a prisoner of your love

Ciao backwoodswriter,

My first impression--er, no pun--was curious and rather pleasant anticipation. The simplicity, and blandness even, of 'just another random thought' (placing it in silence too) set up what could have been a neat meditation. It would be an excellent baseboard to play off of, especially if you used it structurally in repetition.

But I think you rather devolved and left the beginning behind. As soon as you rhymed the same word ('thought/thought'), as well as 'random' with 'disturbed', the poem lost elasticity and voice, and began to sound rote. There's a certain type of 'poetry' that wanders around, falling into the same rut as the bilge-and-scut that went before. Bit emo.

Being emo isn't its main difficulty. It's the fact that it recycles and re-hashes drama instead of the writer's own voice, and tends to do the same violence to the language--which leaves a reader with nothing to discover, nothing to wonder about.

Taking what you have now, if you used 'random thought' as an echo, you could get a deft sort of echo, as well as a near self-satiric tone.

i try to claw my way out,
i try to fight the feelings
and all the emotions i have been overcome with;
sitting in the dark,
thinking of you,
wishing you were here,
realizing i am a prisoner of love,
a prisoner of your love

As an example, up top, you might as well be writing a video transcript--not poetry--or a running commentary on inner dialogue.

What would trying to fight the feelings looks like, in a metaphor? How would it connect to random thoughts? How could the fact that this is apparently arbitrary or random reflect on the structure, or other words you use? Er, as you can see, the 'random' struck a chord, and I know you could use it as a solid foundation if you re-worked this. ^_^ I like that first line, and its 'sitting' in silence. You might even take the thing and make it a full extended metaphor.

Anyhow, you've got material, and again, quite like the first two lines in the first stanza. Re-work it with a consistent thread, and string the rest along that one theme or tone.


Toodles,

IMP

Hi there!
I see you're new to YWS, so welcome
Onto your poem, I thought that you brought your thoughts across very clearly. It was easy to understand where you're coming from as I read this- nothing appears sketchy or foggy in your writing.

realizing i am a prisoner of love,
a prisoner of your love

-This was my favourite bit, and I thought it was an excellent way to end.

The only concern I have is that lack of capitalization... I know not everything is capitalized in poems, but at least every"i" should be capitalized.

Anyway, nicely done. Happy writing
-Briggsy