Let this moment last forever

Spoiler

OK, I know this is bad but it feels good because I think I am officially over with this annoying writer's block thingy.
So, there was this picture(below) in a contest on which I had to write a poem and I thought that it could be an awesome way to get rid of the block. So here it is. Review away.

lgpp31181+summer-love-kissing-at-sunset-poster.jpg (25.72 KiB) Viewed 97 times

Let this moment last forever.
Just me and you and Mother Nature
watching over us. The serene beauty
of this sunset compliments our love here today.
Let’s make this moment count.
As we sit on this palm tree
holding our hands watching the water below
wipe away the sand into its heart and the sun
making a protective shield around us
as it settles down into the bosom of the sea
and as our lips meet to take us
into our own little wonderland.
Let’s make the most of it
I love you, my dear.

I'm a sucker for love poems and love songs. I think most people are and I think that people can make the most corniest poems ever but I think this was subtle and sweet. I like the last line where it says

and as our lips meet to take us
into our own little wonderland.
Let’s make the most of it

It just brought me somewhere. Keep writing

Hi ehte92! Heh, I do contests to get rid of writer's block too *glares at Mr WB*. Anyhow, I thought this was really good, and it matched the picture. I especially loved this part;

ehte92 wrote:and as our lips meet to take us
into our own little wonderland.
Let’s make the most of it
I love you, my dear.

It's a bit magical ^^.

On to the critique. I thought this was brilliant, but the structure needs a bit of... rejigging. As it is, it's very stop start and the middle has a very loooooong sentence . This is how I'd do it;

Let this moment last forever,
just me and you and Mother Nature,
watching over us.
The serene beauty of the sunset,
compliments our love here today,
let's make this moment count.
As we sit on this palm tree,
holding our hands, watching the water below,
while it wipes away the sand into it's heart.
And The sun makes a protective shield around us,
as it settles down,
into the bosom of the sea.
And as our lips meet to take us,
into our own little wonderland,
let's make the most of it,
I love you, my dear.

Much better .

Finally, you have 'moment' in there twice. I'd suggest finding another word for one situation. Also, I don't quite understand why it's rated sixteen, maybe if you change it you won't scare people off, heh.


Overall I really loved the poem. To me it seemed sad in a way, and wistful, as if was their last time together, which gave off strong emotion :3.


Keep up the writing!

~Tinkem