Watch Me....

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PWeezyBaby1
Gender None specified
Points 946
Reviews 3
Mon Sep 26, 2011 8:13 pm
PWeezyBaby1 says... · Mon Sep 26, 2011 8:13 pm
Alcohol/Drunk Driver

Watch Me
Watch me take the lives of a million innocent souls, floating up too golden gates to soon
Watch me cause the repeated digging of 6 foot deep rectangles
Watch me on my 5th fucking offense swerving a deadly machine across boundaries
Watch me make mothers tear, and fathers cry.
Can You See Me
Can you see me leaving trails of black lines stitching lanes together?
Can you see me through the blaze of light in your eyes soon to see another?
Can you see me easily crumple two ton monsters like paper between a giants hand?
Can you see me blur the lines between common sense and human respect?
Can You Hear Me
Can you hear me past the screeching rush of sirens?
Can you hear me through the wails and screams from an innocent family?
Can you hear me from the constant honking from someone’s forehead pressed against the wheel?
Can you hear me pleading for forgiveness, with realization of no prosecution?
Can You Feel Me
Can you feel me draining down the throat?
Can you feel me rushing though your blood?
Can you feel me fucking with your mind?
Can you feel me making the worst decision humanly possible?
Can You Stop Me
Can you stop me and pull the bottle me away from your mouth?
Can you stop me and take my keys?
Can you stop me and follow through with your promise “You drink you drive you lose”?
I am the worst creation, the worst combination of stupidity and destruction
I did not plan for this to happen, but you, humankind, caused this pain and destruction
Last edited by PWeezyBaby1 on Wed Sep 28, 2011 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Bonnie Parker
Gender Female
Points 894
Reviews 8
Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:00 pm
Bonnie Parker says... · Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:00 pm
Wow. Publish it. Really.

After:

Change "2 ton" to two ton. It's distracting.

And "little Timmy"? You can do better. There are other ways to let us know that it's a child, but the name "little Timmy" feels like you're being sarcastic toward the situation. My second reaction was to laugh...just find something else.

Then, get it out there. I love it.

P.S. Title styles are hotly debated; maybe the practicality and transparency of yours is something you really like and maybe it gives your poem the feel you want it to have. If so, keep it. However, I think you could be more creative and come up with something more heart-wrenching or inticing.
"Oh Tigger, where are your manners?"
"I don't know, but I bet they're having more fun than I am."
- A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh
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unsocialbutterfly
Gender Female
Points 381
Reviews 65
Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:24 pm
unsocialbutterfly says... · Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:24 pm
This is a great poem :) drunk drivers should really be called on their crap and you wrote about it beautifully. I did see though:

Towards the top you wrote
"to soon"
But it should be
"too soon"

And one of your can you see me lines you forgot to put a question mark.
I'm sure those were an accident but I just thought I'd point them out to you. Anyways I liked your poem :)
♥unsocialbutterfly♥
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3 posts


As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun