A Love to Last Forever

Spoiler

This is the first ever poem I've ever made in my entire existence. I know i'm not pro but I wrote this with all my heart. It's for the man I've always loved and praised, God. (I'm christian)

A Love To Last Forever


There is no greater love than this
A love that I only feel in the arms of his
An exemplary sweet smile I can feel on my lips
Whenever I hear the powerful name of his

Whichever way I choose to go
I promise it will always be behind you
Because I know i'll be happy on whatever I do
When I follow and do it with you

I am certain with what I'll say
That to your side I'll always stay
The pleasure I get whenever I talk to you
I can't even explain how my heart's unto you

People say there is no such thing as forever
But I know a thing, and it's never odd
A love to last forever
I found it on you, my Savior, my God

Hello Saccharin,

I'll tell you why I liked it so much -because it's short and it has a bigger meaning. I'm the kind of girl who likes poems like these (I'm religious). Your ryhming was excellent, and your words spoke all of what you wanted to say. However, I'm not just here to give praise, it won't help you all that much, now will it???

No matter how much I LOVE a short lieterary work, I've got to say -it was TOO short! I had a hard time finding an imagery here. A poem should speak to more than just the ears and heart; it should also open the eyes and make the reader 'see' what you're trying to 'show'. A poem with both feelings and images will get a total thumbs up!

Keep writing more of these stuffs...

---IdEa

Hi! I hope you're having a nice day because I believe I might ruin that now.

I am not a Christian, honestly, but I do feel this way about my god. It's very interesting how people can feel the same way even if you don't worship that particular one. I found it very inspirational and I am very proud that you could write about a subject like this even though it was your first poem.

For a first poem, it wasn't too shabby. It should've been a lot worse for a first poem. This is really really good though and that's why you MUST write more of these.

Now, on to my critique.

The lines rhymed sometimes, then they didn't. Then they were questionable. Then you repeated yourself. Yeah, that's not good. You should either come up with a rhyme scheme, or don't rhyme at all. It's as simple as that. You should also NEVER repeat the same word at the end of a line. That's just...wrong in my opinion, unless you're doing it throughout the whole poem.

Also, please go through and check your capitalization. I know you forgot to capitalize an I'll in there, but I'm not sure what else.

This poem should not be extended. I think there is enough imagery as it is. I think it is really wonderful so please write again my dear.

Ciao!

Saccharine,

I thought this was really good for a first poem! Let's look at it closely...

Because I know i'll be happy on whatever I do

Remember to capitalize the "I" in "I'll"

I can't even explain how my heart's untosp? you

This line seems a bit forced here. "Unto" should be onto, and I don't even like the usage here. Maybe it will help if you get rid of "even" as that doesn't add anything. By getting rid of that useless word, you're able to use a stronger verb where it's needed. Here's a suggestion: ...I can't explain how my heart latches onto you

Maybe? I dunno. It's 3am, my brain's fried, but I'm sure you can come up with something xD

People say there is no such thing as forever
But I know a thing, and it's never odd

The play with "no such thing" "know a thing" ...I'm not quite sure I like it. Sure it's cute, but it caused me to do a double take because at first I wasn't sure what "thing" you were talking about.

That being said, overall, I felt you did a great job with this. It flowed pretty well for your first piece. The ending was great and you did a decent job building up to it. One thing I would suggest is using metaphors and images - this poem was more about your singular relationship with God, which is fine. But you're limiting the scope of this to just one person and one perspective. By broadening it, you can open this poem up to a lot of audiences, you just need to make use of images Read poetry! Read, read, read! Slowly, but surely, you'll come to learn more. I know I have.

Keep writing,

~ As always, Audy

Hi Saccharine!

I don't normally review poems, but since today is Review Day I'll do my best. So let's get down to the facts, shall we?

Okay. Basically, I didn't read the spoiler back up there at first, so I thought it was a poem about a serious sort of devotion to someone rather than a poem to God. But then I went back and saw the spoiler, and sort of clicked on it, and I saw the poem in a different light. So let me think.

I loved the theme, especially since it's in a religious context. Frankly, I think I'd like to have devotion that serious. The poem is clear-cut, and I couldn't detect a lot of cliches in it. However--however, the rhythm kept tripping me up a lot. An example is this:

An exemplary sweet smile I can feel on my lips

It's a pretty line, but it messes up the rhythm of the rest of the verse for me. Try using a different word rather than 'exemplary', since that's quite a mouthful and has a lot of syllables in it. The next line also suffers from 'powerful', so either shorten the line or change the word.

This is probably a typo but I'll point it out anyway:

Because I know i'll be happy on whatever I do

The next stanza suffers because of the word 'whenever'. 'When' would've been a better choice:

The pleasure I get whenever I talk to you

And that's pretty much all I've got to criticize--the rest of it seems okay to me. Keep up the good work!

Noir.