My Hero

Based on a true story of life

He was my Idol
And everything I wished to be.
Through thick and thin,
He was there.
To me, he was indestructible,
Powerful and understanding.
He was my hero.

That night was the first time I saw him cry.
The first time I saw him weak.
With his head hung low,
His confidence drained,
Unfixable,
And doubt his best friend,
My hero was destroyed.

And that night,
I asked myself a question-
If even my soldier,
Could be brought down by the weight of life,
What made me think
That I, the Queen of Weakness,
Would survive it instead?

Spoiler

The hero in this story;the soldier- known as my brother.

Because I don't know the background behind this poem, I'm sort of at a loss for words. This is obviously an emotional topic for you, and it has a halo of mystery circling around it. Was/is your brother a soldier, or was that a metaphor? It leaves me with many questions, but I like that.
I enjoyed the piece. I'm no expert on poetry, but I thought it was well written. I just want to point out a few things.
Grammar is ingreen.
Other comments are in pinkish-purple.

He was my idolno comma
And everything I wanted to be.This line is a tad awkward. It seems to lengthy for some reason. How else could word this point to make it more concise?
Through thick and thin,
He was there.
To me, he was indestructible,
Powerful and understanding.
He was my hero.Aww. :3


That nightno comma was the first time I saw him cry.This line is a little long, but I don't see any way around it. I like the repetition of "the first time," but you could get away with leaving it out in the first line. "That night, (you can keep the comma) I saw him cry.
The first timeno comma I saw him weak.This covers what you left out above. But it's your call.
With is head hung low,
His confidence vanished,"Vanished" makes me want to interpret this the wrong way. I see it vanishing in the present, instead of it already being gone, if that makes sense. Maybe "depleted, gone, diminished, drained."
Not fixable,I'm not 100% sure, but I think it should be "unfixable." Plus, a one-word line would have a nice impact here. I like it.
And stretched over the max,The wording of this sort of confused me. It could be that I'm not used to this phrase, but I don't exactly know what you mean.
My hero was destroyed.

And that night,
I asked myself a questionI would use a colon or dash instead of a semicolon
If even my soldier,
Could be brought down by the weight of life,How would you feel about taking out "by the weight of life?" It seems a little too much for the line. Maybe not.
What made me think,no comma
That I, the Queen of W?eakness,I'm not sure about "weakness," but "Queen" should probably be capitalized.
Would survive it instead?

I thought this was a nice poem, and it felt very sincere. There were a few lines that broke the flow, and I brought them up. Other than that, fine writing and great emotion once again.
I have no idea what's going on in your life, but I wish you the best.
Yours,
-Sea-

Thanks for the review

I will make changes to this piece according to your review. Of course in my favor, though.
Soldier was just a metaphor also.

I'm not expert at poetry either. This thing was just something that randomly came to my mind so I had to write it down.

Thanks for wishing me the best, too.
-Brie

I really liked this poem! Alright, my comments will be blue.

He was my Idol
And everything I wished to be.
Through thick and thin,
He was there.
To me, he was indestructible,
Powerful and understanding.
He was my hero.<- I really liked this stanza. No complaints

That night was the first time I saw him cry,
The first time I saw him weak.<- I like the repetition.
With his head hung low,
His confidence drained,
Unfixable,
And with (?) doubt his best friend,
My hero was destroyed.

And that night,
I asked myself a question-
If even my soldier, No comma
Could be brought down by the weight of life,
What made me think
That I, the Queen of Weakness,
Would survive it instead?<- Very powerful ending!

I love personal poems, and I think you mastered this. This one really touched me for some reason. I really liked it! You may have used slightly different punctuation than I would have chosen, but it wasn't at all bad. Well, there's not much to critique here. Great work; never stop writing!

Another really powerful poem. I think your really good at bringing across emotions. I find this poem is really deep. I guess its all about life and surviving and all. I liked the flow of it. Although it was shortish the poem itself was good. I liked the first verse, it instantly made me want to read more. But I think the last verse was the best. It summed it all up really well. When you finsihed off the poem with a question it was really great as well. I loved this piece too bits. It's one of those poems that made me think, ah I wished I wrote that!

Overall I really great poem and I see no mistakes!

Deanie x

Hey there, Bhayden71297. Scarlett here to review you poem.

Wow, quite a powerful poem you have here. It pretty well and had a great rhythm. Wonderful imagery, too. It felt like I was watching my brother fall apart. And I do have a brother, which is slightly disturbing since I kind of already am watching him fall apart. Anyway, the poem. It's wonderful, bittersweet and powerful. Amazing.

Nitpicks. I only have a couple that bother me and those are in this stanza;

"That night was the first time I saw him cry.
The first time I saw him weak.
With his head hung low,
His confidence drained, (Here, I would put a full stop, otherwise it feels very awkward when you go on to the next part)
Unfixable, (I would remove the comma here. The next word is an 'and' so the comma is unnecessary)
And doubt his best friend,
My hero was destroyed."

And this one;

"And that night,
I asked myself a question- (I would change the - to maybe a ; here. Seems to fit better, right?
If even my soldier, (The comma here is also unnecessary. Don't you continue this sentence on the next line? A comma normally indicates a slight pause. Pausing here, in the middle of a sentence, kind of ruins the flow)
Could be brought down by the weight of life,
What made me think
That I, the Queen of Weakness,
Would survive it instead?"

Other than that, everything else is fine. Overall, this is a brilliant and wonderfully imaginative little poem. It's bittersweet and almost depressing, but it has just the right amount of it. And I do like it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and beautifully bittersweet poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!

~Scar.

Hii Bhayden!

Review-day is rolling towards its end but I've got a few more reviews in me so here you go;

I'll begin with saying... Gooosh, This is soo emotionally powerful! I loved it.
It's quite clear that there's a strong bond between you and your hero and even I got a little sad when reading how the hero fell from grace... You've written this piece in a very vivid and imaginative way which is very good because you could really picture every step of the poem down to the part where "you" stood wondering what to do next.

The structur was fine, good flow there were a few punctuation-errors but all of those have been pointed out I see so no point in mentioning that.

This stanza is my favorite one, I like how in the first stanza you describe your admiration for your hero and all the good things about him and then beautifully write down his break-down in the second one and finally how that affects you in the third.

"That night was the first time I saw him cry.
The first time I saw him weak.
With his head hung low,
His confidence drained,
Unfixable,
And doubt his best friend,
My hero was destroyed."

"That I, the Queen of Weakness," - Also I love this line... I'm not sure why though cause it's not that good that you reffer to yourself as weak but... well I liked it

Finally! The spideraward! You get... wait for it... 4½/5 icky, sticky spiders served on a chocolate-plate!


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Well, you have already gotten a bunch of reviews, so I hope I'm not just repeating everything they said. Just in case, I will start out with my opinion, since that can't be copied, unless some of the above reviewers all have the same opinions as me, which would be a little bit weird.
Anyway, I loved it. this was so simple and honest. You didn't try to write a big confusing poem in which people would have to read the poem five times to be able to get any meaning out of it. And I really liked the simplicity of this piece. It really felt so filled with emotion. You talked about your hero, and made him sound invincible. You give this idea of a superhero, and almost make me want to turn him into my own hero just because you say how great he is. I think you could go even further with your first stanza. Really let us know who this hero is, and why he is your hero.
then, it's just sad. Heartbreaking actually. But I like how you seem to have this underlying theme of how not even the greatest hero can be strong always. Like Frost's poem "Nothing gold can stay." Even the greavest of us fall.
then, you ending wonderfully by tying it back to yourself and how it relates. You make it even more personal.
I guess this review wasn't all that helpful, but hopefully it's encouraging?