Dance

DANCE

Dance was my thank-you
For music
My leap into
The sky
It was love making
With the voice of John Legend
The pulsating energy
Of a thousand and one suns
Swallowed whole
The song I never sang
The voice I never heard
Dance was the love of my life
It used me
Hurt and confused me
But it loved me still
More than I loved being pretty
More than peacocks loved themselves
More than birds loved their song
And I loved it back
Twice more
Over and Over again
It was the pages
Of my diary
My story written in a thousand
Invisible scribble
Across a cold wooden floor
Dance was my gift
To the beat
My I love you
To the night
And hello
To opportunity
It was the
Fluttering of pearly white
Butterflies among newly blossomed flowers
It was the
Wing rushing through
A field of dandelions
The constant beating of the shore
By the waves
Like an angry husband
The intense heat melting
The world but me
The big band
9/11
The holocaust and me
Dance was my dreams
Lain over me
Like a thousand
Heavy rain clouds
It was forbidden kisses
From a sexy tune
It was the
Salsa
Jazz
Ballet
The Hip-hop
That stopped the loneliness
From creeping up on me
It was a threesome
The beat
The moves
And me
A love triangle
A mural
Painted on the floor
A round trip on a spaceship
To the ends of the universe
And back
Dance
Was to dance
Was to dance
Was to dance

Hi I am here to comment on your amazing poem and give what I hope will be helpful advice.
I loved it. Beautiful. The overall image I got from the poem was beautiful, I saw a dancer
I saw romance I saw passion and so I loved it. So well written!
But obviously I cannot just compliment I should critique...so minor details,

"A thousand and one suns" is maybe a bit cliche? Dont get me wrong I lved the suns idea and
the being swallowed whole gave it a new twist but maybe find another way to word "a lot of suns"?
and....
"It used me
Hurt and confused me" --- maybe trying too hard to rhyme and a bit predictable? It ruins the amazing unpredictability of the rest of the poem..
"But it loved me still
More than I loved being pretty
More than peacocks loved themselves --- seems a bit out of context suddenly talking about birds although the peacock image is stunning...
More than birds loved their song"

LOVED
"My story written in a thousand
Invisible scribble
Across a cold wooden floor" --- amazing and beautiful and so personal. Gave me shivers

Also "Dance was my gift
To the beat
My I love you
To the night" --- just stunning imagery and emotion

"The big band" ---maybe you meant the big bang??

"The constant beating of the shore
By the waves
Like an angry husband ---- loved this metaphor!
The intense heat melting
The world but me
The big band
9/11 ------ and the bringing in world tragediess made it mean more
The holocaust and me"

I just seem to keep reminding myself why I love your poem.....
Oh and I loved everything from there on so I probably shouldn't quote it all.
Keep writing, this poem is stunning. and dont forget everything I say is simply my point of view and
it looks like I know far less than you so feel free to ignore.
T x

Thanks Tranquility for the reveille...appreciate it!!
Michie Oh

I loved this poem. I could see four things that bothered me a bit about this piece. One:

MichieOh wrote:My I love you

This is a really little one, but I think the I love you should be in apostrophes so we know it is a phrase, not part of the poem completely.

MichieOh wrote:It was the
Wing rushing through

Don't you mean here it was the wind rushing through? That would make more sense, so I am just assuming it was a typo.

The third thing is, I like poems better when they are separated into verse. It helps make it easier to read and a little less confusing too. But with the amount of short sentences you have, maybe this layout is the better choice. I don't know?

And the fourth thing is, why is the same line repeated thrice at the end? If I were you, I would erase those three lines completely. It ruined the feel of the poem right at the end in my opinion. It also kind of messed up the flow. But this is what I think, maybe it isn't for the best?!

Hope this comment helps!

Deanie x

I loved it! I'm a dancer and it truly made me think about how much I love dancing.
It transmits the magic that happens when dance and love get together.
The only thing that confused me a little is the fact that the verses are really short so sometimes, the words got lost and I didn't find the meaning you were trying to transmit.
Anyways, I found it brilliant.
Keep on writing!
Teresa