If I Love Him

(Tell me what you think. Any review is fine..)

If I love him
And he loves me
What’s in the way?
What’s keeping us apart?
Leaving me to wonder
To dream
About the way he would hold me
The way his lips would touch mine

I finally feel
As if I’ve found the one
That will listen
And understand
He’s everything I ever wanted
Perfect
But not flawless
Just the way I want it to be


My heart was healed
Him the glue I needed
To put the pieces back in place
But yet, something stressing
Leaves me disappointed
And depressed
Breaking my heart
All over again


It’s the distance
The horrid thing
That holds us so far apart
We can’t be together
Even though it’s what we want
The distance between
Is just too far to overcome
Yes, I love him
And he loves me
But we are something
That will never be able to be

Aww... this was so sad. I wonder what's keeping them apart?

I liked the rhythm of this a lot. It was a comfortable read, and I didn't have to force myself.

My favorite part was:

He’s everything I ever wanted
Perfect
But not flawless
Just the way I want it to be

I thought that was so true, and it makes this poem different from others similar to it.

Perhaps in this part you might want question marks? Maybe it's a personal preference...

What’s in the way
What’s keeping us apart

I think questions marks should probably go there.

Anyways, this was great.
Keep writing!

-Dai

Hi,

Well done! It was mostly an easy, comfortable read. I liked it. It was sad, confused, and wonderous all at the same time. Maybe that's just me. There should maybe be question marks at one point. It would connect more with readers and give it a voice.

Farewell,
A.

Thanks...i wrote this last night. When I'm upset, or have something on my mind, I write a poem. So, basically, they are all real life experiences in my life.

This is really good. I like how you capture exactly how you're feeling in the moment, and also your style of writing. I can feel everything. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and I just loved it overall. Great job!!

Thanks alot mellophone7!

Your comment means much,
-Brie

Hi there Bhay! ^^ Isha here to review.

First of all, I'm going to start by saying that this poem definitely had its ups and downs. It was sweetly written, and the emotion was obviously there. It had a few lines that managed to stand out to me, and I think that I'll start with pointing out what I mean by that:

Perfect
But not flawless
Just the way I want it to be

That line was probably one of my favorites, due to the way it flowed and the way it was written. It was obviously a bit of an oxy-moron, and I quite like those. When I first read "Perfect," I'm going to be honest and say that I thought that it was going to be a ridiculously cliche line. You changed that by adding the two lines that followed. :3 Good job there.

On the other hand, there were a lot of lines that were cliche. Though the poem definitely had a few good moments, a lot of it just seemed like it was either the afore-mentioned cheesy, or just plain dull in general. What you lacked here was the imagery factor. You had a lot of telling-- too much telling. You told us everything, and if you do that, then what need do you have for imagery? Imagery is (usually, not always, but usually) what makes a poem stand out. "Show, don't tell," is a huge rule in poetry.

We get that they love each other. We know that they want to be together and for whatever reason, they just can't be. (I'm guessing that it's a long distant relationship or forbidden love?) What bothered me was that it was so obvious. You need to sort of ease into it, use your own creative, fresh imagery to portray your message. Take the emotion and what's happening and play around with it. Prod at it and figure out creative ways to describe it and put it into words. I just hope that made sense. xD

On top of that, there were a few cliche bits and pieces in this poem that just weren't all that attractive. For example:

My heart was healed
Him the glue I needed
To put the pieces back in place

Broken hearts and love interests being glue. I'm sorry to say that it's extremely over-used. This was imagery, but it was cliche imagery. Don't use descriptions and phrases that other people have, make your own! It's what makes a poem yours.

Which leads me into my final point. This whole basic area is one that's severely over-used in poetry as a general rule. Of course, writing an original, awesome piece about this sort of thing is very doable. The problem is that the poem itself was just too generic... this could be anybody's story, it could be anybody's writing. You need to personalize it a bit, make it about you more specifically. It doesn't have to get extremely personal or anything, but it needs to be a poem that can't just be a general story. Make it so that people can relate, so that people feel what you feel, but don't make it everybody's story. I hope that makes sense.

So, all in all, this poem has its ups and downs, and definitely a lot of good potential.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Nice job! Keep writing.

I liked this poem. I think the title shouldn't have the If in it though. Its not about if she loved him, its about loving him. I find this really sad and sweet. I wonder whats keeping them separated? I think it might've been nice if you mentioned what it was. I didn't think this flowed all to well. But it was still pretty good.

I can't see any spelling or grammar mistakes, I think your really good at checking through your work! (Wishes she had that talent)

Deanie x