Undone - Part I

Note : I sometimes post poems as notes on my facebook account under the alias "Pseudonymous Rex". I just wanted to make it clear so that if someone stumbles across this there, he/she should know that this isn't plagiarised material.

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Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood
A fell vision out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood


An outcast, an exile was he to all
A freak, an abomination ever was he called
For all his flaws, he had but one
In his mind he knew, he was the beast he was called

Sin’s son, rage’s spawn was his twin
Naught but a vessel was he, for his real self within
Biding his time
Revealing but a wraith of the true demon within


Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood
A fell vision out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood


He gave his mind to naught but his wrath
Fuel was their mirth for what he wrought
For born from womb of darkness was he
Consumed with blood-rage, blood was what he always sought.

Alone was he ever, love he had for none
Nor would he give any, for never was naught but mirth returned
Truly forlorn in this realm of men
Stood he with a heart of stone or even heartless to some


Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood
A fell vision out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood


Seasons passed by, the moon waxed and waned
Sophisticated in speech but in heart still a beast untamed
Yet ever an outcast
For all his craft, in essence a demon, forever doomed to be the same

Ever unchanged yet never was the same was he of late
Fire coursed in him still but not now all of hatred
Cracked was the heart of stone that was never there
And his doom seemed nigh, from within him arose a hunger that couldn’t be sated.


Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood
A fell vision out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood

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wow this is very moving but I didn't get what it was about. I'm very confused on were he is and who he is and what's happening. I know poetry can be like this sometimes but could you explain it to me? Thanks!

~Neonwriter <3

wow this is very moving but I didn't get what it was about. I'm very confused on were he is and who he is and what's happening. I know poetry can be like this sometimes but could you explain it to me? Thanks!

~Neonwriter <3

Thanks
It's really hard to explain it all in a few words since there's so much background to this. But to explain it in a few or one word I'd say - Anger. It is the one thing he understands; it is the one thing that governs him; it is the one that defines him. ; He, in essence, is the physical manifestation of anger itself.

I liked this, although I thought it went on a bit. The rhyming and rhythm were good. It sounded like you were writing a poem based on a book, but because you didn't I guess that's a good thing, because you've given a lot of depth to the poem.
-Anna

Hi there!

My comments/corrections are in violet below:

BaronFlame wrote:--


Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood Good repetition.
A fell vision Hm, what's a fell vision? I've never heard of that before. out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood
Just out of curiosity, why did you bold this stanza? Is it a different point of view? Or a different story? I think it would've been okay if you kept it in regular print.

An outcast, an exile was he to all
A freak, an abomination ever was he called These first two lines really flow well together.
For all his flaws, he had but one
In his mind he knew, he was the beast he was called I think you should say 'he was the beast they called him' or something like that. Because right now it sounds like he was the beast, he was called. Make sense? It doesn't seem like a whole sentence.

Sin’s son, rage’s spawn was his twin
Naught but a vessel was he, for his real self within
Biding his time
Revealing but a wraith of the true demon within
Very powerful stanza. You used great words and emotion in this to make it so powerful.

Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood
A fell vision out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood
Good repetition of the opening stanza. I guess this should be bolded because it's like a constant reminder? I don't know.

He gave his mind to naught but his wrath
Fuel was their mirth for what he wrought
For born from the womb of darkness was he
Consumed with blood-rage, blood was what he always sought.

Alone was he ever, love he had for none
Nor would he give any, for never was naught but mirth returned
Truly forlorn in this realm of men
Stood he with a heart of stone or even heartless to some
Now, I'm going to sound stupid saying this, but I really don't know what half of the words you've used mean. Like wrought, forlorn, mirth and other words like that. Maybe I just have such a crappy vocabulary. But my suggestion would be limit the high vocabulary words and use words that will help the everyday reader really understand what's going on. The words you used work fine, it's just that some people really won't know what you're saying.

Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood
A fell vision out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood


Seasons passed by, the moon waxed and waned I like the last part of this line. It's better than saying 'the moon passed by' or something like that.
Sophisticated in speech but in heart still a beast untamed
Yet Ever an outcast
For all his craft, in essence a demon, forever doomed to be the same

Ever unchanged yet never was the same was he of late
Fire coursed in him still but not now all of hatred
Cracked was the heart of stone that was never there
And his doom seemed nigh, from within him arose a hunger that couldn’t be sated.


Amid the roaring waves he stood
Amid the raging storm he stood
A fell vision out of men’s forgotten lore
Amid the burning world he stood

--

Overall I enjoyed reading this. It's great how you took one person and described their life through them and the people seeing them. You stated how he was viewed by society and then you told us how he viewed himself. The flow was good and your rhythm is good as well. I really couldn't find any grammer mistakes so you're good there.

Happy Review Day! Keep writing!

Hii you! In the spirit of review-day I've come to inflict my opinion on your piece!

So, I shall begin with saying that I really enjoyed reading this poem. You've got some great, powerful lines and I like the way you wrote it - describing the person both from his own persepective and that from his surroundings.

"Sin’s son, rage’s spawn was his twin
Naught but a vessel was he, for his real self within
Biding his time
Revealing but a wraith of the true demon within" - This was my favorite stanza, and I loved the first line espacially much. It's not very descriptive and doesn't say much but I still found myself stunned after reading it. So good job there!

Your imagery is overall quite good too and I like the story you're telling. To say something helpful or improvable I'd suggest you add some punctuation to help ease the flow and let the reader breath. Also; I think the bolded stanzas got a little to repetative. It would've been okay if you repeated the same stanza over and over if it tied the piece together somehow but I felt like it was just inserted a little here and there and the fact that you end three our of four lines in a stanza that keeps repeating becomes a little too much.

Part from that though, I have nothing to say but this; VERY WELL DONE! This was awesome!

Oh, and I brought spiders, here's 4/5 icky sticky spiders for you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness