Skeleton Sailor

Sea flows in, washes out,
leaving foam behind.
Smoothing sand, caressing beach,
it sweeps away the marks.

Empty eyes staring up,
hollow caves where orbs once glowed.
Ivory teeth, bleak and bare,
held in an eternal grin.

Lying limply on the shore,
its wraithlike hands grasping nothing,
its body clad in rags of clothes,
shoddy wardrobe eaten by the sea.

Skeleton sailor, all alone,
you used to sail the ocean wide.
You were a man, proud and strong,
daring the depths to overtake you.

You ne'er made it through the storm
that crashed o'er your long lost decks.
You plummeted over the ship's keel
and they never found you again.

Now you lay smiling on the beach,
the water streaming through your fingers.
The sea cared not for your thin frame,
so it spat you out for the world to see.

I read it, and I thought it was sentimental in a bland sort of way. But, the blandness was very good- it accentuated your theme. Keep it up!

Hey There! =)

You've conjured up a really great piece here. I'm no poet but I love to reading it and this is creepy yet so lovely.

Empty eyes staring up,
hollow caves where orbs once glowed.
Ivory teeth, bleak and bare,
held in an eternal grin.

SO creepy yet SO lovely! The imagery is captivating. As a whole, your poem captures the scene extremely well, but this section totally excites me. =)

shoddy wardrobe eaten by the sea.

I find this to be powerful, because, it's one of those lines that tells a story on its own. When I read it, The Skeleton Sailor's entire experience in that storm that 'ate' him flashed in my mind, up to where he lay here.

the water streaming through your fingers.

I Love! LoL

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Sea flows in, washes out,
leaving foam behind. Smoothing sand, caressing beach,
it sweeps away the marks.

This is what stumps me. A few words throw off the flow...maybe, treading foam instead of leaving foam behind? =) It's up to you, though, because swapping those words would change the rhythm slightly.

The word caressing, something about it doesn't fit to me and I’m not sure what I could offer as an alternative phrase. I’m just not completely sure about it.

---

I’m really glad I read this, it’s absolutely lovely! =)

Write on!

~Ceely

Heya creativityrules! It's review day, so let's get to this:

Rhythm

I absolutely love your opening stanza and there's a very specific reason why.

Sea flows in, washes out,
leaving foam behind.
Smoothing sand, caressing beach,
it sweeps away the marks.

You're using a technique called caesura in lines 1 and 3 that breaks each line into two groups of three syllables. Well almost, if you ignore "caressing beach". I think this is a really powerful technique, especially with regard to the sea, because waves are rhythmic and solid and strong -- if you try to continue this rhythmic device through the rest of the poem then I think it will make it a lot more powerful.

You may even want to consider choosing a rhythm (or a set number of syllables at least) for each line in the stanza. With that as your pattern it would make the poem flow and if the reader feels like they're being swept along by your words then that's exactly the effect you're going for, right?

See if you can strengthen this. I think you'll be pleased with the result.

Rhyme

I probably shouldn't write a whole paragraph about this, but I think it's something that needs mentioning.

Ivory teeth, bleak and bare,
held in an eternal grin.

I reckon if you swap around "bleak" and "bare" then that will strengthen the internal rhyme even more! Again, with respect to the sea, patterns and rhythm can be accented with rhyme with much the same effect.

I see you haven't chosen a strict rhyme scheme for this poem, and I'm glad you haven't. But, in my opinion, you should definitely seize the opportunity for the occasional half-rhyme (like "teeth" and "bleak").

Last line

The sea cared not for your thin frame,
so it spat you out for the world to see.

Now I liked the poem as a whole -- you've got a good choice of words and some of the rhythms were really nice when I read it aloud -- but I've got to say that the last line fell terribly flat. There's none of the strong rhythmic feel I talked about earlier, or any rhyming, or assonance, and I can't help but think that this was a poor ending for what should be a great poem!

Have you noticed that your line lengths get longer as the poem goes on? It's a shame because the stanzas get no better -- you're just using more words, and that's something I think you need to avoid. See if you can slim down the last few stanzas to make them about the same weight as the earlier ones. And, ideally, if you can go back to the initial rhythm in the last stanza (at the very least!) then I'm sure that would help your ending.

Conclusion

I haven't talked about subject matter in this critique, instead I've spoken more about poetic devices. That's mainly because, really, there's nothing for me to suggest about the subject -- it's spooky, it's eerie, and it's great to read about! I think you've got the bones of a great poem here -- if you can flesh them out with a bit more structured rhythm and maybe some more half-rhymes then I'd definitely like to come back and reread it!


Charlie