Jelly Bean Cars (and Other Things)

Spoiler

This is a revision of a poem I did this for my multicultural lit class. We had to write a poem based on George Ella Lyon's "Where I'm From." This is my attempt. Comments please, it's due Monday!

I am from The Lion King and dreams of Africa,
from Dark Side of the Moon, Master Gardeners,
and Manhattan Transfer,
and I am from project management
and college math, retail work and bus-driving.

I am from horses ambling past the family room window
and roses the color of sunset growing in the back garden,
from Kimmy and Galway and a succession of dogs,
from black and white barn cats
who nose at the side door when they’re hungry
and the year the neighbor’s garage tumbled away in the wind.

I am from silence games and tickle fights,
Crayola crayons and The Chronicles of Narnia,
from Harry Potter, a summer of jam, realestating and Thomas L. Cooley Law School,
from winter soup and good sauce, sauerkraut and pepperoni bread,
and sky-smelling t-shirts fresh from the laundry line.
I am from the forsythia bushes growing at the front of the house,
from the pine tree so vast we could crawl beneath it and search for fallen birds’ eggs,
from candy molds, from a two-days’ drive to Florida, from every year the Atlantic Ocean
and palm trees, sands and Shutters, and nights in the Green Cabin Room,
just Daddy and me.

Before bed in the old house, he would tell us a story:
Once upon a time,
there were three little girls
who lived in a brick-and-yellow house

til we got too old for tuckings-in and bedtime stories
and rode into the rose-colored sun on the backs of horses and in jelly-bean cars,
the smell of leather under our thighs.

Really good

Ok this is really nice, wooow, truly amazing...nuff said... wink wink!!!

Well I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. My only advice is shortening the lines so it flows smoother. It was rather difficult with its flow but other than that this was nicely done. Here's an example of shortening lines:

Before bed in the old house,
he would tell us a story:
Once upon a time,
there were two little girls
who lived in a brick-and-yellow house

As you can see I split the first line at the comma so it is shorter and doesn't mess with the flow. If you shorten them it would make reading and the beauty more interesting, in my opinion. Either way I really loved this and hope this helps you or at least gives you support for this is truly well done idea and the emotions. With good luck I shall bid you farewell.
Soulkana<3

It's perhaps a little too late to help you change it before class! But I shall give you a review anyway because improvement is important and you can always show your teacher a revised version later, I'm sure they'd be very impressed to know that you continue to work on your poems after class. On and first off, thanks for sharing your inspiration with us. I'd not read that poem before and found it a really nice read

I am from The Lion King and dreams of Africa,
from Dark Side of the Moon, Master Gardeners,
and Manhattan Transfer,
and I am from project management
and college math, retail work and bus-driving. [A good start, that first line especially but perhaps aim for things that are a little bit more visual and try some alliteration like she did! That really helped link some of her items together and I think it would serve you well too.]

I am from horses ambling past the family room window [A little bit prosey! Try to be more dramatic and use some of that creative liscence.]
and roses the color of sunset growing in the back garden,
from Kimmy and Galway and a succession of dogs,
from black and white barn cats
who nose at the side door when they’re hungry
and the year the neighbor’s garage tumbled away in the wind. [Love this ending image. I think the part on the pets was a little lengthy and you could have brought in things that were more obscure and personal. Like for mine I'd probably talk about secret gardens and hollow holly bushes. What did your childhood garden have that most others wouldn't, that's yours and your family's alone?]

I am from silence games and tickle fights,
Crayola crayons and The Chronicles of Narnia,
from Harry Potter, a summer of jam, realestating and Thomas L. Cooley Law School, [Don't just throw the names! I think you're being too obvious again. Perhaps instead of Harry Potter name one of the houses? And that second line would interest me more as something like, 'Crayola drawings hanging on the lines'.]
from winter soup and good sauce, sauerkraut and pepperoni bread,
and sky-smelling t-shirts fresh from the laundry line.
I am from forsythia bushes growing at the front of the house, [This is going the other way; too much detail now! It takes the exotic touch away if you tell us where the forsythia bushes are.]
from the pine tree so vast we could crawl beneath it and search for fallen birds’ eggs,
from candy molds, from a two-days’ drive to Florida, from every year the Atlantic Ocean
and palm trees, sands and Shutters, and nights in the Green Cabin Room,
just Daddy and me. [Good use of a short line.]

Before bed in the old house, he would tell us a story:
Once upon a time,
there were two little girls
who lived in a brick-and-yellow house

til we got too old for tuckings-in and bedtime stories
and rode into the rose-colored sun on the backs of horses and in jelly-bean cars,
the smell of leather under our thighs.

The end two stanzas are my favourite part. I love how you deviated from the style to give it your own touch and there your voice really shines through. The rest is a little awkward in places but those last two stanzas are beautiful.

Overall

Okay so I really liked this! Tell your teacher from me it's an awesome idea for an exercise and I think there's a lot you can take away from this. You were a little cautious in the sense that you didn't throw in enough of what is you alone, what would be hard for others to follow but hold a special meaning for yourself. But you did good. You chose some interesting images, there was a lot of fun and it was good. Next time I'd suggest trying out a few more poetic techniques like plosives or alliteration. Just to tie the poem together a bit more and add to the atmospheres and stuff. But in general, very nicely done.

Send me a pm if you have questions and such!

Heather xxx