Cain and Abel

This was born from listening to Children of Eden soundtrack and reading Harry Potter fan-fiction (specifically of the Sirius and Regulus Black verity). Though not at the same time. And yes, I am slightly allegory-obsessed and write too much metaphorical stuff that makes very little sense to people who are not me. But I hope you like my poem anyway
(The title is metaphorical, by the way)

You never meant to hurt him.
He never mean to hurt you, either.
You were brothers, you loved each other.
But you were too different to be friends.
(At least, that’s what you tell yourself)

He’s the good one,
Mother’s favorite little boy.
You’re the rebel,
Reckless to the last.
How were you to know you were supposed to protect him?
(But he’s your baby brother, wasn’t it obvious?)

You used to do everything together.
But you moved on,
He didn’t.
You wanted your freedom,
And he tied you down.
When you pushed him away, you thought he would bounce back.
He didn’t.
(And you never even noticed)

You never expected it to get so bad,
You couldn’t talk to him without starting a fight
(But of course you always won)
Until you never spoke at all.

Now, you think you could have saved him.
If you had been there to protect him,
To steer him away from the darkness.
But you weren’t,
You were too wrapped up in your oh-so-dramatic life.
(And now he’s gone)

I really enjoyed this. I did get some of the metephors, and some I did not. But all in all it was great and I would love to read more of your work. It was deep but it also made sence if you read it literally which I like. I like it when you can read something simply and it makes sence and then read it and then dig deep into it and it still make sences. Great job. 5 owls out of 5.

I love this. I truly love this!
As I don't really have any complaints, let me tell you how I liked it, and why.

The title:
Going down the list I always look for titles that interest me... this one certainly did, although it's a bit obvious, it certainly drew me in!

The brackets:
I love this - absolutely beautiful, almost like song lyrics, you can almost hear a choir whispering this in the background, and I think that it makes the whole piece very lyrical, while the stanzas were quite plain (which I liked) the bracketed parts really tied it back together.

I think it's a bit hard to say exactly why I liked it, but it's a very good piece of writing!
Carry on writing!

Hi Sar-sar.

Well, I don't really have time to review this, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love it. (Like, a lot.)

I've said this before, but I'm gonna say it again, I really like your style, but I think you're also limiting yourself. (Take your last 3 poems, I forgot their names. Look at them all together. They're really similar.) Which isn't bad, it's just getting repetitive....

Also, love Love LOOOOOOVE the last line. <3

Just suggested her teammates read your piece and I'm gad she did. I enjoyed the poetry very much, you wrote a splendid piece! I don't really have any nit-picks or complaints, I mean the words in parenthesis messed with the flow of the poem a little but they did add your voice! It was awesome, keep writing! (Oh and sorry the review is so short, you didn't give me anything to pick apart,-like a scab (sorry, now I'm being plain disgusting) mwahahahaha!)
~Dakota Knight

Sierra wrote:(The title is metaphorical, by the way)

You never meant to hurt him.
He never mean to hurt you, either.
You were brothers, you loved each other.
But you were too different to be friends.
(At least, that’s what you tell yourself)

Hmm, I don't like this intro, it's almost like the entire poem is over here. (If that makes sense.) You pretty much cover it all I'm not sure what to expect from here.

He’s the good one,
Mother’s favorite little boy.
You’re the rebel,
Reckless to the last.
How were you to know you were supposed to protect him?
(But he’s your baby brother, wasn’t it obvious?)

Oh I see, still this doesn't read like dramatic poetry. It needs to be a little more emotive. Fingers crossed it's coming to a glorious and bloody denouement.

You used to do everything together.
But you moved on,
He didn’t.
You wanted your freedom,
And he tied you down.
When you pushed him away, you thought he would bounce back.
He didn’t.
(And you never even noticed)

Ah and more of the same. There really isn't enough timber in here, you need to strengthen this middle bit. I know you want to tell a story, but this is the wrong medium, this is poetry. It's all so literal and clear, I really can't see anything other than exactly what you want me to see - that is to say, you are too precise with your wordy and you don't paint much of an image.

Now, you think you could have saved him.
If you had been there to protect him,
To steer him away from the darkness.
But you weren’t,
You were too wrapped up in your oh-so-dramatic life.
(And now he’s gone)

That's it? you end it like that? the parenthesis seems unnecessary through out but no more so than here. You Also need to make this close stronger, drive home the regret, the anguish.

JP