Graves

The rubble settled
after the storm of ash.

Then the screams began;
first high and peircing, disbelieving.

More frightful words came.

Then gravity brought it all crashing down to earth.
The screams grew louder

Just names.

Frantically digging
finding nothing.

Just more ash.

That night was silent
and the world was in shock.

Lights went out,
but the the minds were there.

The next morning no one talked.

When they saw someone coming
they put their heads down.

More digging.

Tears,
wetting the still ash.

Someone found a bone.

More tears.

The rubble was unstable,
they couldn't dig any longer.

A baby cried.

Then came the steady clean up.
No one ever moved on
but is stayed out of their minds on occasion

But they still heard the screams,
the desperate quiet.

They saw the graves of the fallen.

Good evening, thestorygirl!

Okay, getting right down to business, the first thing that strikes me about this poem is the amount and frequency of line breaks. While they’re basically what make poetry distinguishable to early readers, I think you’ve reached a place here where you’ve abused the amount and frequency of line breaks. Try to condense some stanzas; try to help out your flow by doing so. If you can read this aloud without stumbling, then you know you’re onto something good.

Now, moving on to your imagery, I really need to give you praise. You’ve gotten a good grasp on the cliché idea of “show; don’t tell”. Now, while you’ve done this fantastically, making the reader feel and see everything happening, I feel that there’s a distinct lack of deeper meaning behind it. Yes, it’s about the twin towers and it has that emotional connection with the undertones of graves and pain and tears, but there seems to be something very distinct missing from your composition, and I think it’s another layer that you may want to consider adding.

Given that, I really want to give you more praise for taking an idea that’s so abused and cliché this time of year and giving it a fresh and relieving perspective. Now, brush this piece up and condense some things, and you’ll have a very shiny piece of poetry that I’m certain you’ll be proud of.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumi

Hello there! Although Lumi, as mangaged to give you some tips on almost all the elements of the poem, I felt compelled to share my opinions with you. Here we go.
The poem was a good one. Your word choices and diction were simple and understandable which is what every writer intends. Due to this reason, the voice in this piece was raw and strong. Truly, you have managed to tell the story of the disaster in a different perspective. Although the imagery was flawless, I felt there should be more which would mean more words. Also,the frequent break in the lines (pointed out by Lumi) causes interruptions when the reader is trying to conjure images with your words. I would like to point out that the title Grave is a great symbol of the message you are trying to pass across.
All in all, this was a great piece and a remarkable one as well. Keep on writing and I'd love to see more of your works strorygirl.

Hey Thestorygirl,

First off one spelling mistake.

Then the screams began;
first high and peircing,Also I think this should be a semicolon. disbelieving.

piercing

Then gravity brought it all crashing down to earth. This line a bit long, and messed up the flow.
The screams grew louder

Frantically digging Semicolon here.
finding nothing.

That night was silent comma
and the world was in shock

Nice job!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo