The Black and White Rose

Spoiler

This poem I got inspired to do while reading Looking for Alibrandi Please don't bother correcting punctuation

The world around me changes
People with dreams to aspire
Their true colours burning bright,
For the whole world to see.
The sky, rich blue,
filled with singing birds.
But why am I black and white?
Nothing matters,
I try hard to make it into something,
It's still nothing
In the end
I'm still alone
In the end
I am the black and white rose.

Summerlovee! Your name makes me think of that song from Grease that everyone sings at Karaoke bars. Anyway, I hope you’re having a good night so far because I am, and this poem actually helped make it better. I said that in a recent review, but it very rarely happens. It’s strange.

Now, I read this poem twice. Once in the average mental context that would you’d have in a textbook or book of poetry, and it didn’t do much for me. But, as I do every poem, I read it a second time aloud to see if the words had a feel on the tongue, and they do…in a way. Now, there are places where this can be fine-tuned, and that’s what I want to focus on. But let’s talk about audible poetry for a minute.

It takes a gift to make poetry that is geared as slam poetry sound just as good on paper and pixels. Now, while this felt good on my tongue and flowed quite well when I read it intentionally, the way it’s written doesn’t really impress me, if that makes sense, as a normal poem. I think one poet who has taken a brilliant foothold in putting spoken word into text is Richard Siken, who will never disappoint as far as flow goes. His words are so rich and fragrant…and fluid, almost.

And that’s what I want to measure this against. Now, that’s an unfair comparison. He’s established and published and all that jazz, and we’re not. So how can I expect you to measure up?

With potential.

But that’s enough talk about poetry that isn’t yours. I want to deconstruct a bit and see what you think. Hopefully we’ll both learn something; I love that—when I learn something while reviewing poetry. I have a good feeling about this one. Let’s hit it.

“The world around me changes—pause here while an unspoken image hits the reader or listener—People with the colours of the rainbow(.)”

That first line is simplistically brilliant. It’s nothing flashy, nothing eloquent, but it’s a solid foundation for what I like about this poem. A comparison, I suppose, between yourself and the world. The second line, however, disappoints me quite a bit. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think it’s the blatancy of the phrase: people with the colours of the rainbow.

I think it’s me wanting you to make this a bit more poetic, in a way. Give me a comparison other than a rainbow for color—we see rainbows for color all the time. Show me something fresh that will meld this piece together even further. So let that be our first note.

1. Fresh images make stronger poems.

“The sky, rich blue(,) filled with singing birds(.)” And here’s where I almost feel a gasp of wind between this line and the one following. “But why am I black and white?” It’s the deconstruction of beautiful reality you have here: something that’s often done, but not done as well. This is how we flip a cliché well. Praise for you for that.

But then.

The next two lines are really my pet peeves in this poem, summer. “Nothing matters, I try hard to make it into something,”. This completely unravels the subtlety of your images and statement. It rather beats the reader over the head with your meaning, I think. And that’ll be our second note.

2. Subtlety is the best policy.

My final comment happens to be regarding the very last word of the poem. “Rose”. Where does the floral image come from? And why? I know roses are pretty, and that they’re used in poetry often, but it doesn’t carry any relevant symbolism with it at the moment, so it just seems to be empty decoration. And there’s no room for that in this piece, I think. So let that be my last note for you to read into further.

3. Write intentionally.

That last one’s heavy. I know I’m still applying it to my poetry with symbolism and deeper meaning, but I want you to catch onto it as well. I hope this helps, if only a little.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumi

okay, i read your poem a couple of times until i began feeling the emotion of it.now not very powerful but yet has a great understanding/meaning. it also gives visualization which is a major plus.your last sentence really closed it up in my perspective so i really liked it.nice poem:)

Thought it was great although I think it do with another verse

Thanks guys so much for taking your time and reviewing this, I will fix my poem ASAP