with words she knows but does not understand

with words she knows but does not understand

I see imminent reality in the turning of pages
and the sweet suppleness of a forgotten voice
whose lips spill psalms and declarations
in deep, undulating textures, like rain, like sand.
Each passionate verse turns sullen pride into
frantic paranoia, trickling through an hourglass -
for time succeeds fear, though it encumbers life
and snarling, spiting words all hopelessly wrong
yet hopelessly right, beckon me in all directions.

Love and death on the edge of each breath
mingled and tossed at the tip of a hat to provoke
and invoke all the rage and the pain that we feel
so that time can’t seem real, or be felt for what is
and what isn't; what could be and should be.
One who was but is no longer a doubtful fool
surrounded in a world of doubtful foolery.
The idle mind takes charge, takes penance
And has a purpose, if only to hold such infinity.

I am fain to fear what cannot be said, or heard
and forget that dying is times greatest achievement.
If so, I should feel the need to believe Him
or the voice of the impassioned woman, who smiles,
and cries, and condemns those who falter,
with words she knows but does not understand.
But I don’t, nor will ever, see doubt in my eyes
or hear the words of Him on each and every breathe,
whether or not such a world or such words entice me

And they entice me.

~~

Spoiler

So this piece, if you couldn't already tell for yourself, is about my religious affiliation. Its rather straight-forward, I thought, which leads me to think that I was not subtle enough. That and the imagery leaves something to be desired :/. In any case, this would be it!

I've been rather inspired by the subject since joining in on some of the discussion on this site. That being said, I kind of wanted to give reason to why I love theology and the idea of religion though I'm an Atheist.

As always, rip it apart and you have my eternal love and devotion. I will also review in return .

Hello Dreamwalker,

Lovely piece, absolutely breath-taking. The rhythm and flow are flawless - and the images here are just beautiful, particularly enjoyed the first four lines.

I see imminent reality in the turning of pages,
and the sweet suppleness of a forgotten voice

Just some picky things, please mind your grammar.

frantic paranoia, trickling through an hourglass -
for time succeeds fear, though it encumbers life One thought. Follow it with a period, comma, or dash
and snarling, spiting words all hopelessly wrong,
yet hopelessly right, beckon me in all directions.

This is one of those passages where careful punctuation would make this part absolutely stunning, and the lack of it actually inhibits reading. I had to read this several times, but I get the gist of what you're saying. I want to know...what is beckoning you in all directions? From what I see, it's the "words", yes?

If you want to say: snarling, spiting words beckon me - this should its own sentence, so remove the "and"
Unless you're trying to say that they're paranoia's words - or time's words...? If so, the verbs are in the wrong tense.

Whichever way, it calls for your grammatical attention ^_^;

Love and death is? on the edge of each breath,
mingled and tossed at the tip of a hat to provoke
and invoke all the rage and the pain that we feel,
so that time can’t seem real, or be felt for what is
and what isn't; what could be and should be.
One who was, but is no longer a doubtful fool
surrounded in a world of doubtful foolery.
The idle mind takes charge, takes penance
and has a purpose, if only to hold such infinity.

The 'a' in and shouldn't be capitalized.

I am fain to fear what cannot be said, or heard
and forget that dying is time's greatest achievement.

'Fain' is one of those words where the context and usage of it is strange. In this case, because it fits with your theme, I am not going to advise to get rid of it, but just double-check to make sure that you're using it correctly in this context. From what I've looked up, it seems to fit fine. Keep in mind, it's an adverb; I don't think you can BE fain. Correct usage would be "I fain to fear".

or hear the words of Him on each and every breathe,
whether or not such a world or such words entice me

And they entice me.

Fabulous ending. One small suggestion: if you alter the last line to "They do entice me" - it stands out a lot more than "and they..."
"And" is a weak link between the lines. The line itself can stand alone.

Now, it was only up to this point that I read your spoiler. Fascinating, I had no idea that this piece was about religion xP But, knowing the subtext of what is going on and reading it over, I would agree that it is a very straightforward piece.

I just thought this was about the experience of reading in general, with some mentions of personified abstractions. (There really is no mention or hint of religion until you get to the "Him" part--so religion really wasn't on my mind). At least, that is my own individual experience as a reader.

Perhaps you could allude more to the topic of religion by using religious terms or allusions from the beginning? For example, instead of "declarations" which is pretty general, you could say "revelations".

As far as the imagery, I thought you did a fine job. That is, each and every separate line/stanza is strong on its own. But as a collective there is no singular or strong image that stands in my mind to hold it together. Perhaps that is what you meant by the imagery is leaving something to be desired? I feel by using religious terms - references - that may be fixed.

Another thing you can do is go back to look at your personified abstractions. See if there is a better replacement. Pride for example could take the form of Lucifer? (Probably not, I'm not well versed on the bible myself, so there's probably a better example).

Anyway, these are just suggestions on how to improve. Keep writing, and keep working on it. Overall, I loved your use of language.

- As Always Audy

This is really wonderful I loved your choice of words throughout the piece, very beautiful!
"frantic paranoia, trickling through an hourglass -" <-- I really like this line.
I thought it flowed well, making it easy to read and follow. The periods helped the flow as well, though I don't usually like periods in a poem. But that's just my preference
I think this was pretty insightful on religion. I'm a Christian myself, but I haven't really been one for long...
I enjoyed this a lot! Keep writing

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Before I'm gone, I will give this a review. You have my word.