Pirate's journal

Please read the spoiler before you give me a review.

Spoiler

Please answer the following questions to help me improve my poetic skills
1. Did you spot some stale words in my poetry?
2. Did some of my words are sound awkward? 
3. Did my imagery words fall off or not? 
4. Is my poetry understandable? If not, state your reasons.

In the gleamless
sand of Southern
nightsky, I enthrall 
my dreams into
the pages of
Neptune's replica;
how staggering!
such streaming!
...and yet...
how appealing...
"I wish to have
 her deity!"
I hum with a sigh.

In the gleamless
sand of Northern
nightsky, I enthrall 
my hopes into the
manuscript
when my pale 
and feverish
palms discover:
my desires can become
like Venus (so warm 
and bright) if I heap 
Citrine dust and lay it
on my white desk.

As I sail forth 
to the moon horizon,
I face the feral 
waves of deep 
galaxy
whilst plunging in
the comet's belt. 
(only a sigh fills my thirst.)
whenever my lungs
inhale, I've grasped 
some ocher-puffed dust (only 
a sigh fills my thirst.) 
whenever my lungs exhale,
I've grasped some copper-
puffed dust (only a sigh
fills my thirst.) upon the 
constellation.
(only a sigh fills my thirst.)
(only a sigh fills my thirst.)

As I sail back
to the moon horizon, 
my mustache turns 
into a floatless 
cloud, my eyes turns
into a hazy road, and my feet 
turns into a steel 
anchor; I can no longer 
feel the future dawn. I opt to
latch the lavish
stones--in my memory--
until I've forgotten
how to sigh.

In the gleamless
sand of Southern
nightsky, Neptune's 
replica becomes
my own burial
how staggering!
such streaming!
...and yet...
how nostalgic.

I couldn't find any words that were really stale, but your rhythm or construction of the piece seems a little off to me. Some of it I could catch ,but the rest seemed off. I personally think the "Such staggering" should probably be "How staggering!" Don't be afraid to use differing lengths of lines in the same stanza. For example, I'll use the last stanza:

"In the gleamless sand of Southern nightsky,
Neptune's replica becomes my new homeland.
How staggering!
Such streaming!
...and yet...
How nostalgic."

Just my personal taste.

I really did enjoy your choice of words and the invented word "nightsky." [This might have to do with the poem I wrote called Nightrise, but that can be up for speculation...] But I must say you have a very good idea here, it just needs a little bit of tweaking... Well writ.

I read it, and thought it strangely satisfying. Somehow, you managed to create a meaningful jumble of words, which I could never do.

As for all your spoiled questions, I honestly don't feel like thinking them through.

I thought your prose was elegant, and didn't need much work. It instilled a bit of quiet peace; and yet, all the imagery it conjured for me was the color white, and a faceless girl... weird.

Keep Writing!

I don't like being told how to review

the word deity seems to be misused? Either that or I didn't understand the line. Also I am unfamiliar with that use of enthrall.

You're at your best when you're comparing the frontier of the sea to the frontier of space in the third stanza. Also, there is no need to repeat strong lines like (only a sigh fills my thirst). If you repeat them they lose their strength. I didn't like ocher puffed and copper puffed. Seems arbitrary? Meaningless? Or maybe I just didn't get it, but if I didn't then its because its impenetrable. "Feral waves" Is awesome though.

The fourth stanza is the most impressive, and the most consistent. My mustache turns to a floatless cloud. VERY interesting, but I can seem to get anything from it.

Cut the last stanza. Or put it elsewhere, the fourth stanza has the strongest ending.

I guess in terms of improving, I'd try to get rid of some of the sing-songy language and try and put everything in plain terms. Keep in mind you don't have to modify EVERY noun, some of them are stronger on their own. (steel anchor) Most people's schema of an anchor is a steel anchor. So unless the anchor is NOT steel, then there's not really a need to specify.

I also didn't get the whole dust thing. Maybe expand on it? Or maybe I just missed it. Either way it needs something else. It's too occult... I feel locked out from it.

Cool. This is pretty awesome. Really nice mood and feeling you have created. The narrator has a sort of dramatic flair that I like, a real nice sense of personality shining though your words, I believe it was the clever use of brackets and other punctuation things that did this.

Enjambement was used well In some instance but perhaps over done, don't do it unless you have a legitimate reason. The repertition was nice I loved the

how staggering!
such streaming!

. But only when used as a device. I felt like you you where talking constantly about the same things, which I'm not sure is good or not. On the other hand it gave your poem a nice circular tide like feel. Almost as if everything was fading into it's self. I'm not sure what you meant to do but that;s what I get from your poem.
But I felt that the stanza's didn't flow on to each other, I had to read twice to really get it going.

1. Stale words. You repeat and use the same adjectives, I beleive this is on purpose but try to mix it up. Gleamless, is used three times, its strange because I kind of imagine your poem to be gleaming. But over all good use of words, everything is nicely paced and the worlds are rather aptly 'quite' and 'slow'.

2.Pretty much the same question as question one.

3. The imagery is good, if not a bit ambiguous, I didn't really get what was going on sometimes but that's not a bad thing.

4. Yes but pleasantly so, mainly because of the changing subject matter. You seem to skip from writing in the journal to being on the sea,then back to the journal and then back again. I also don't get the references to the dust and the copper but that's just me.